Treading Water
by YlvaBorealis
Summary: Sheldon embarks on an emotional journey, to finally find out why he can't be physical with Amy. He resorts to methods that might be effective, and may or may not change his and Amy's relationship for the better, but it might also change the way he views himself. Shamy.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: I have had this story in my head for a while, and a few days ago I decided to write it down. This story is set somewhere after the Christmas episode in season 8, but that's as specific as I'm going to be. I will update it as often as possible (damn you finals!), please bear with me! For those of you who feel that Sheldon would simply scoff at this sort of thing and call it 'hokum' - I believe he would too (and in my story, he does). But I also believe he loves Amy enough to do it anyway :-)**

**Disclaimer: I own nothing, I'm just taking the characters out for a little spin... I promise to return them after I'm done.**

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Treading Water

By YlvaBorealis

Some people find the sound of raindrops smattering against a window soothing. Memories of evenings spent wrapped in an afghan, curled up on the couch with a good book and a cup of tea invokes feelings of comfort and warmth. Others associate it with grey skies, ruined suede shoes, and yet another reminder that summer was over.

Dr. Sheldon Cooper, however, thought of it as a symphony of information.

The number of raindrops hitting the window, the pitch of the smattering sound itself, the chemical compound of the water, meteorological data such as air pressure and temperature, calculations, equations, numbers – yes, the maestro that was his brain orchestrated the mathematical instruments with a precision that could give Johann Sebastian Bach a run for his money.

Most people spent their entire lives thinking of raindrops simply as raindrops. Dr. Sheldon Cooper was not most people.

Being unlike most people was the reason he had found his way to a large leather couch situated in the middle of an office that reminded him of a 19th century smoking lounge. Large, wooden bookshelves covered the walls almost entirely, the desk underneath one of the windows looked like something out of the Antiques Roadshow, and the coffee table in front of him was spotless, as if no teacups or magazines or remote controls had ever dared come near it. The room smelled of money and despair.

He raked his fingers through his dark brown, neatly combed hair, and then lifted his other hand to look at his wristwatch. 3.01 p.m. Immediately, he felt his heart skip a beat, and a familiar itch spread like wildfire across his skin. Sheldon was a firm believer in punctuality – tardiness made him nervous. Clasping his hands in his lap, he started reciting the digits of pi, to calm himself. Numbers brought order to the chaos that was everyday life.

Suddenly, someone pulled down the handle on the door in front of him, effectively snapping him out of his reverie. A woman, approximately 50 years of age, entered the room, her dark hair pinned up in an austere bun and a clipboard firmly clasped to her chest.

"Mr. Cooper?" she asked, shooting off a lopsided smile.

"Doctor", Sheldon replied.

"I beg your pardon?"

"It's 'Dr.' Cooper. But you may call me Sheldon", he repeated, already feeling slightly annoyed with the woman in front of him.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean to be rude. I'm Dr. Janet Edelstein" the woman said, and held her hand out as she approached him.

Sheldon glanced at her hand and shook his head.

"Forgive me but I don't engage in social conventions such as hand shaking. I find the practice unnecessary, not to mention unhygienic" he informed her, keeping his own hands firmly clasped in his lap. Dr. Edelstein just kept smiling, and took a seat in the armchair directly opposed to him.

"That's perfectly fine, I don't mind. Why don't we get started on why you have come here today?"

"Seeing as you were exactly 2 minutes and 43 seconds late that would be the logical course of action" Sheldon agreed, his back straight as a board and his blue eyes slightly accusing.

Dr. Edelstein blinked, and scribbled something on the paper on her clipboard. Sheldon cocked his head to the side.

"What are you writing?" he asked suspiciously.

Dr. Edelstein looked up, and shot him a reassuring smile.

"Just some personal notes, nothing serious. And you are right: I was late. I apologize for that. Now, why don't you start by telling me a little about yourself?"

Sheldon took a deep breath.

"My name is Dr. Sheldon Lee Cooper, PhD. I have an IQ of 187, and an eidetic memory. I work as a theoretical physicist at CalTech: a trajectory leading to my inevitable future as a Nobel laureate with cities and monuments named after me and my achievements" he staccato-ed, the words rolling off his tongue effortlessly, as if coming off a record.

Dr. Edelstein hummed to herself, once again taking notes, which earned her a disapproving stare from Sheldon. Of course, he always encouraged people to take notes whenever he was speaking, but there was something about the way Dr. Edelstein crossed her legs and nodded to herself that made him feel… uneasy.

Finally, she looked up, once again smiling. That smile made him even more nervous: he had always had trouble reading facial expressions and wasn't sure if she was genuinely interested or just condescending.

"That's all very impressive Sheldon" she praised, further fuelling his suspicion that she was pitying him, although he couldn't for the life of him figure out why. "Now that we've got that covered…. Why don't you tell me why you are here? What exactly made you pick up the phone, dial my number, and make the appointment?" she queried, still keeping a firm grip on the clipboard and pencil.

Sheldon felt a lump in his throat. This was it. Now was the time: either he rose from the couch and walked out of the office, or he stayed. The sound of the raindrops against the window grew to deafening proportions in his ears, and the hands in his lap were soaking wet. Maybe this had been a bad idea. He didn't believe in this sort of thing. As far as he was concerned, the humanities were the least useful field of study, next to what his revered acquaintance Howard Wolowitz did. He was going to leave. This was pointless.

Suddenly, the image of a pair of emerald green eyes flashed in front of him. He recalled the sensation of soft lips pressed against his own, and a low voice murmuring sweet nothings against his chest during a slow dance at the rooftop of his apartment building.

As if someone had lowered the volume on a stereo, the sound of the raindrops against the window went back to normal, and the memories drifted away to where they came from. He cleared his throat, trying to get rid of that infernal lump.

"I…I suppose one could say I have…issues" he stammered, suddenly finding himself unable to look the dark haired woman in the eyes.

Dr. Edelstein cocked her head to the side.

"Issues?" she repeated. "Would you care to elaborate?"

Sheldon thanked the deity he didn't believe in that he had opted for his black t-shirt with the vintage Batman-logo print today: now he was sweating all over.

"Yes…issues…with….intimacy" he continued, once again feeling his heart rate increase.

"How do these issues with intimacy manifest themselves? Why did you feel the need to come here today and ask for my assistance?" Dr. Edelstein urged on, uncrossing her leg, and crossing it over the other one.

"You should know that I find this topic extremely uncomfortable" Sheldon warned, finally looking up at the therapist.

"You are not alone in feeling that way. Most people would feel uncomfortable opening up to a complete stranger" Dr. Edelstein assured him, still retaining that lopsided smile that he couldn't decipher.

"I am not 'most people'" Sheldon corrected her.

"So I have noticed."

The room seemed unnaturally quiet. It occurred to Sheldon that it had stopped raining.

"All my life, I have been uncomfortable with physical contact" he began, dead set on following through with his decision. "It never came naturally to me. Hugs, handshakes, kisses… All forms of unnecessary physical contact are….repellant to me. I find it very difficult to see why I should submit myself to other people's bacteria, just because it's a non-optional social convention. I am quite happy not being touched" he rambled, not caring if she took notes or not.

"If you are happy not being touched…why are you here?" Dr. Edelstein shot back at him.

Touché.

"Four years ago, I met a…woman. We started off as girl/friend/boy/ friend but as the thought of her pursuing a relationship with someone other than myself was simply unacceptable, I decided to alter the paradigm of our relationship. We are currently, as it's colloquially known, 'going out'. In the beginning, everything was perfectly clear and mapped out, but lately, things have been….changing" he continued, feeling as though the room was shrinking. He was reminded of the scene in Star Wars Episode IV, where Luke Skywalker and the others were nearly crushed in a garbage disposal.

"Changing how?" the woman insisted, looking up from her clipboard.

"Changing in that she wants to move forward…physically, whereas I have always been perfectly happy with things as they are…until now" Sheldon replied. "I find myself unable to process this situation by myself, hence why I came here today. Although I am starting to regret that decision, seeing that it's already been 20 minutes and we are nowhere near a solution to my problem" he snorted, shaking his head to himself. Humanities.

"Well Sheldon, to be honest… You haven't exactly told me what it is you want me to do here" the dark haired therapist pointed out.

"For 150 dollars an hour, I think you ought to know what it is I want you to do".

"Humor me."

He sighed.

"For the sake of argument, let's assume I also want to….pursue a physical relationship. Let's also assume that my so called 'issues' are making that impossible. How would I go about getting….rid of these issues?" Dear Lord, was she really that thick?

"And is it safe for me to assume that by 'physical relationship' you mean sex, right?" the doctor inquired. Sheldon shuddered. That word alone made him cringe.

"You would be…correct" he admitted, not quite believing he'd just said that out loud.

Janet Edelstein regarded him silently, measuring him up as he fiddled with his hands where he was sitting opposed to her. Her eyes saw a man in his mid-thirties, her heart saw someone who had just turned 12, emotionally. He was thin, with narrow shoulders and smooth features. Not exactly what you'd call an "imposing figure" although his brutal honesty and lack of social skills had probably scared off both friend and foe. There was definitely something very intriguing about this man-child.

"I take it you are familiar with cognitive behavioral therapy?" she asked the gifted physicist.

"I enjoy the humor pages in the newspaper like everybody else" Sheldon confirmed.

"…Right. Anyway, I think you would greatly benefit from gradual exposure to physical stimuli. But it's important that we get to the root of your problem. From what I've gathered so far, your problems run deeper than just a mere fear of human contact. If this is going to work, you will have to open up to me, and be prepared to deal with feelings and topics that might make you uncomfortable. I would like you to think long and hard on what it is you hope to achieve here Sheldon. You said that you had been perfectly happy with the way things were between you and your girlfriend, yet suddenly you've found that you're not. What changed?" Janet pressed on, and the walls crept closer with every word, threatening to consume him.

"What changed is…I…I…" God, why was this so difficult? Numbers and equations formed flowing patterns in his mind, swirling together in a perfectly choreographed ballet. Emotions made him feel as if he were swimming with his clothes on. He felt heavy, out of his element, clumsy even. Any second now, he would be drained, unable to keep treading water. He would sink to the bottom of the ocean, cold and forgotten. He fought against these thoughts, forced them into a dark corner of his mind.

"…everything changed" he finished weakly. No, that wouldn't do. He had to try again.

"What I mean is… I always operated under the assumption that I wasn't afflicted with these urges that enslave you and the rest of humanity. I am above such things: a Homo Novus if you will. I have never had any interest in being intimate with anyone. And I had no interest in being intimate with Amy Farrah Fowler either, until… until this year's Valentine's Day when I kissed her" Sheldon continued, surprised that he hadn't collapsed yet.

"Tell me about that. Why did you do that? And how did that make you feel?" Dr. Edelstein asked softly, ignoring his condescending demeanor.

"We were arguing. I was furious with her, always trying to impose her romantic nonsense on me… what am I, a hippie? Anyway… I needed to prove a point. And I don't know, but suddenly we were kissing. And it was like…like mathematics".

Janet Edelstein arched one of her perfectly plucked eyebrows.

"Mathematics?"

"Yes. Unlike in the _humanities_ (here, Dr. Edelstein couldn't help but let out an offended snort), there's only one answer in mathematics. Either you're right or you're wrong. And everything about that kiss, and Amy…feels right." Really, what had become of him? Goodbye Homo Novus, hello slave-to-baser-urges.

"That's a very eloquent way of describing your feelings Sheldon" the therapist commended him.

"Well, you're a woman, you like all kinds of hippy-dippy things" Sheldon huffed.

"As I was _saying_… Very well put. In essence, you kissed Amy and experienced a sexual awakening, if you will. And now you are unsure what to make of these new, unfamiliar feelings. Have you experienced sexual arousal before?"

Sheldon blinked.

"Have I what?" he asked innocently, as if the concept was completely alien to him.

"You said you just recently changed your mind about taking your relationship with Amy to the next level. Was this the first time you experienced sexual arousal?" Janet clarified, her eyes revealing nothing. No judgment, no pity, no nothing.

Sheldon squirmed in his seat. He thought of an adolescence spent in fear of his own body. He thought of Amy's lips that tasted of chocolate and alcohol. He felt the cold tiles of his bathroom wall underneath his left hand. That endless, aching need that built up within him sometimes, that tight knot at the small of his back that slowly turned into something primeval, something so wrong that felt so deliciously right. The swell of Amy's breasts against his chest as she embraced him, the low timbre of her voice. Faster, faster, he'd urge himself on, his breath stuck in his chest and his thoughts swirling. That deep, guttural sound that escaped him every single time, that_ heat. _

"No…" he whispered, his voice barely audible.

Dr. Edelstein's features softened.

"We should probably wrap this up, the time's almost up. You have been very good today Sheldon, you should be very proud of yourself."

Sheldon nodded, his eyes glazed over.

"Now, I think it would be a good idea for us to meet every Tuesday at 3 p.m, at least for the next few weeks. Until next time, I want you to think about what it is that keeps you from being intimate with Amy, and I will draw up a plan for your treatment" the dark haired woman continued, while rising from her seat to escort Sheldon to the door. Sheldon also rose from his seat, eyes still glazed over, and Dr. Edelstein was surprised to learn that he was very tall. Despite his larger-than-life personality, he had come off as very small and fragile, when in reality he was almost 10 inches taller than her.

She opened the door to let him out.

"I'll see you next Tuesday Sheldon" she said, regarding him as he made his way out.

"Yes…next Tuesday" he mumbled, grabbing onto the messenger bag he had brought with him as if it were a life preserver. He felt her gaze boring into his neck as he stumbled out of the building.

Janet Edelstein watched one of the most peculiar men she'd ever met leave her office. Dr. Sheldon Cooper was nothing short of a roller coaster, and this would be one hell of a ride.

"What have I gotten myself into?" she mused, as she shut the door to her office.

"What have I gotten myself into?" Sheldon Cooper asked himself as he got on the bus back to 1311 Los Robles Avenue.


	2. Chapter 2

As Sheldon inserted the key in the lock to his apartment, he could think of nothing he'd rather do than to just crawl under the covers in his bed and wither away for the rest of eternity. As he entered the apartment and dropped the keys in the bowl on the dresser, he quickly realized he'd have to postpone his plans of slowly dying. Seven pairs of eyes met his blue gaze, each one of them taking in his worn features and slumped shoulders.

"Hey buddy, how was the lecture?" his bespectacled roommate, Leonard Hofstadter, called out from his seat in one of the armchairs. His lap was currently occupied by a twenty-something chipper looking blonde with a pixie cut, who casually waved her hand at him.

Sheldon eyed them disapprovingly.

"It was…thought provoking" he finally let out, dumping his messenger bag on top of the dresser, making his way to his designated spot on the couch. Sheldon's spot was the center of his universe: the one place in the world where the planets aligned and the mind-blowing noise of the world outside was kept to a minimum. He desperately needed his spot right now, even more than he needed his privacy.

Leonard frowned but didn't say anything. Sheldon being quiet was never a good thing but then again…Sheldon being quiet was a good thing.

Sheldon made his way past Raj Koothrappali and his girlfriend Emily, Howard Wolowitz and his wife Bernadette, before finally slumping down next to his own girlfriend Amy.

Amy.

She was curiously eyeing him where he sat, gaze a million miles away, and then picked up a white Styrofoam container.

"I know that Tuesday night is hamburger night, and that you usually have dinner at the Cheesecake Factory, but you were at the lecture and nobody felt like going out tonight" she began, her husky voice sounding slightly apologetic.

Sheldon nodded absently. Great. The world was already falling apart, no reason to stop disrupting his carefully constructed order.

She gently nudged the Styrofoam container in his direction.

"I know how you hate disruptions in your routine so I drove by the Cheesecake Factory to pick up your Barbeque Bacon Cheeseburger" Amy continued, an ever so slight worried frown grazing her dark features.

Slowly, he turned his head to look at her. Her eyes, emerald green behind dark rimmed glasses, kept searching his own blue orbs for a clue as to what might be troubling him. Many people who had met Amy would describe her as "quirky", at best. Her hair was long, dark and straight, her dress practical and conservative. She was on the short side, the top of her head barely reaching up to his chin, and her demeanor could best be described as "frank". There was no denying that she was brilliant though, what with her sharp intellect that matched that of his own, and her PhD in neurobiology. Of course, biology was all about yucky, squishy things, but still.

"Barbeque sauce, bacon and cheese on the side?" he asked, more out of habit than anything.

"Of course" Amy smiled.

"…Thank you."

He accepted the container, more grateful than he'd ever dare admit to her. She was the reason he'd put himself through such misery this afternoon. She was the reason he would return, even though the better part of him was still firmly convinced therapy was complete hokum.

He bit into the burger, suddenly aware of how hungry he was. His friends were casually chatting around him, as if everything hadn't changed. Amy's hip and thigh were softly pressing into his own, the warmth of her body slowly seeping through him. Yes, everything had changed indeed.

"How was work today?" Amy asked, determined to find out what had rendered her normally so chatty boyfriend silent. She allowed herself to let her eyes roam across his face and body, and she sighed contently. Delving into the depths of his intellect was the greatest adventure of her life, feeling the two of them growing closer each day was a silvery bliss for which she was ever grateful. When she looked at him, she was sure she could feel her heart grow in her chest. She would give him the world if he would only let her.

"Fine…it was fine" he managed to get out between mouthfuls, desperately trying to come up with a plausible explanation for his behavior. If Amy found out what he'd been doing that afternoon, everything would be ruined. Sheldon prided himself on not giving a damn what people thought of him (really, what was not to like though?), but he did care what Amy thought. If she knew… No, no that was unacceptable.

He swallowed the food he'd been chewing, carefully selecting his words.

"When I arrived at my office this morning, someone had messed with my whiteboard, in essence, ruining yesterday's work for me. Naturally, I keep all my calculations in my head, but I found the errors on the board disturbing and it took me over an hour to redo the math. Apparently, whoever did this thought it would be amusing. To make matters worse, today was supposed to be chicken salad day in the cafeteria but they were out of chicken. I think you know where I'm going with this."

"Today wasn't chicken salad day?" Amy offered.

"No, today wasn't chicken salad day. And even though the complimentary chocolate pudding cup somewhat made up for it not being chicken salad day, Barry Kripke still managed to ruin it when he posted a ridiculous meme of me on 9Gag".

"Wait, Sheldon is on 9Gag? Why didn't I hear this?" Wolowitz quipped, immediately pulling out his phone, which earned him a force ten death glare from Sheldon.

"Dude, you should have seen it, it was hilarious. I don't even know how he managed to snap a picture of you in that position!" Raj laughed, ignoring the death glare Sheldon sent his way. Trying to stare ominously at both men at the same time nearly rendered him cross-eyed, and he shook his head to restore his vision to normal.

Amy felt her heart swell.

"Oh Sheldon, that sounds terrible. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better… perhaps a soothing pat on the back would ease some of the pain?"

Sheldon half considered telling her off. Her touching him was why he was miserable in the first place. What with all her romantic mumbo jumbo and hand holding and kissing – he was a scientist, first and foremost, not someone's snuggle bunny! He was just lucky he had managed to divert her attention from the supposed "lecture" he'd been to, without having to actually lie. Lying was not Sheldon's best feat – he found it difficult and morally reprehensible. Not to mention tic-inducing.

"It couldn't hurt, could it?" he shrugged, carefully avoiding her glance. Immediately, he felt her petite hand against his shoulder blade, slowly moving in figure eights. Even through two layers of fabric, he could feel the heat emanating from her soft skin. He slowly shut his eyes and gave in to the sensation. He relaxed into her, allowing himself to forget that they weren't alone. This happened more and more frequently, especially when she did something thoughtful, like bringing him his favorite burger so he wouldn't have to change his routine. She knew that made him terribly anxious, and she often went out of her way to accommodate him, just because she cared.

Amy allowed herself to enjoy the moment too. She tenderly caressed his shoulder, feeling the swell of the muscle underneath her fingers. Quietly, she regarded the freckles at the nape of his neck, contemplating whether he'd had them since birth of if they were the result of sun exposure. Knowing her Sheldon, it was probably not the latter.

Their friends watched the unusually tender scene unfold in front of them. Amy and Sheldon rarely touched, at least not in public. They were each struck with the feeling that they were interrupting something very intimate, and they all diverted their eyes, slightly flustered.

"I'm not sure if I'm supposed to go 'aww' or 'ewww'" Penny whispered into Leonard's ear.

"I'm leaning towards 'aww' and that in itself is making me go 'ewww'" Leonard muttered, not really sure what to make of himself.

Sheldon was perfectly aware of the whispering and gossiping: there was no fooling his Vulcan hearing. He decided to ignore it though, and sat up straight to look at Amy.

"I've been meaning to ask you, Amy…" he began, nervously fiddling with his hands. He seemed to be doing that a lot lately.

"Yes?" she said, gently cocking her head to the side.

"Well… I was wondering… for our Date Night next Thursday… if perhaps you wouldn't mind me suggesting something… different this week." he babbled on, sounding as stupid as he felt.

"No, I wouldn't mind at all" Amy replied, trying not to grin. "What are you suggesting?"

"I was thinking we could meet here, and perhaps bake some of those cookies you made me for Christmas? And then watch a documentary… maybe something on Neuroscience?"

Amy blinked. She knew her boyfriend didn't care much for her work and it usually took her hours of coaxing and threatening to get him to do something _she _would enjoy. Whatever was in that meme Barry Kripke posted, it had to be good.

"That sounds lovely Sheldon. I'd very much enjoy that" she smiled, deciding she didn't care what brought this change on.

Sheldon returned her smile, but felt the ground slowly crumble beneath his feet. He almost had to make sure he was still seated on the couch, the sensation was that strong. He could not allow himself to fall: whatever happened, he had to stay above ground, keep his head above water, keep treading, keep staying conscious.

The whispering and gossiping sounded like they came from far away. For the second time that day, Sheldon felt as if someone had altered the volume on a stereo. It was almost surreal how far into his mind he had drifted.

Later that night, after everyone had left and Leonard had bid him goodnight and sauntered off to Penny's apartment to enjoy those baser urges Sheldon fought so hard to ignore, he finally crawled into bed. He resisted the urge to moan out loud when he felt himself sink into the mattress, allowing his aches and pains to sink into it as well.

He found it difficult to organize his thoughts. There were no calculations for what he felt, no numbers to show him the way when he doubted which path to take with Amy, no equations that could tell him if therapy was the answer to his problems.

Feeling the sweat starting to build up at the small of his back, he angrily threw off his covers. Thinking of Amy brought up disturbing thoughts. He could still feel the fiery trail her hand had left across his shoulder: it was as if he'd been burned. Memories of other burning sensations flooded through him. 'No, not this again, I don't want this' he thought, trying to fend off the images, fighting off the need that was building up within him. Pearly droplets formed at his hairline, trickling down over his temple. He pictured Amy in her prom dress with its sweetheart neckline, remembering how the mere sight of the swell of her décolletage had almost made him faint that day. Oh, there it was, that tightening at the small of his back again. His eyes were tightly shut and the back of his head drilled into the pillow. That white hot heat was slowly coursing through him, and he started panting, feeling how it slowly concentrated itself into one tight burning knot deep within him. His hands, where were his hands? Oh…This…this was not right but it felt so…sooo good…If only…Amy….Just a little –y-yes…

"Oooohh" Sheldon groaned as stars exploded in front of his eyes, causing him to sit up straight, finally opening his eyes.

For a minute or two he remained sitting, clutching the covers to his chest. As his breathing returned to normal, he slumped back into the pillow, feeling the familiar pangs of shame.

"I can't do this" he mumbled, despair surging through him.


	3. Chapter 3

Dr. Edelstein's office may have looked like a 19th century smoking lounge, but the waiting room was surprisingly contemporary in style. The cheap wood, plastic plants, aluminium, and mass-produced floral prints on the walls were reminiscent of any dentist's office anywhere. Even the glossy magazines on the table that looked to be from 2007 were identical to those found in hospitals and libraries all over the world.

The girl behind the admit desk was probably attractive, Sheldon thought, if one was into the young, brunette, busty type. The name tag on her chest said "Eden". Sheldon huffed. The kind of hippy-dippy name that lead to teenage pregnancies and failed acting careers. No wonder Penny refused to allow people to call her 'Penelope'.

"Excuse me, I'm Dr. Cooper" he told the girl. "I'm here to see Dr. Edelstein".

Eden looked up, revealing a pair of deep brown, perfectly made up eyes.

"She will be with you shortly" she said politely, professionalism practically emanating through her non-existing pores, "in the meantime: why don't you help yourself to a magazine?"

Sheldon eyed the glossy magazines suspiciously.

"Thank you but I didn't bring my reading gloves, and seeing as there is no way to know who's been touching those magazines, it would be best to refrain from doing so" he informed her, and turned on his heel to take a seat in one of the chairs.

Eden shot him a funny look, but thankfully he already had his back to her. She regarded him out of the corner of her eye, feeling oddly intrigued. He was handsome, in a tall, lanky kind of way, with youthful skin and large blue eyes framed by long, black, almost feminine lashes. If it weren't for his manners, and that curious windbreaker and superhero t-shirt, she could have asked him out. Oh, and there was the fact that he was in a therapist's office.

Eden shrugged, and returned to her duties.

Sheldon once again found himself waiting for Dr. Edelstein. If this were to be a regular occurrence, he would have to discuss the matter of her hourly wage. The woman couldn't charge him 150 dollars an hour and not be punctual.

Finally, the heavy wooden door opened, and the dark haired therapist stepped out, hair still pinned in its austere bun, and clipboard still firmly clasped to chest. 'I guess she is consistent after all' Sheldon mused. 'Consistently neat, and consistently late'.

"Sheldon?" Dr. Edelstein called, that lopsided smile remaining an enigma to him. He rose from his seat to greet her, and shook his head as she held out her hand.

"Maybe next time" she smiled, ushering him into her office. Sheldon hoped that Eden wasn't looking at him.

She was.

He took a seat on the brown leather couch, enjoying the familiarity. At his first appointment, he had declared the far left corner of this couch his designated spot in Dr. Edelstein's office, thus placing it in a state of eternal dibs.

Dr. Edelstein took her seat in the chair in front of him, placing her clipboard on top of her crossed legs. The scene was set.

"So, Sheldon…" the woman began, looking up at him over the rim of her glasses, "how have you been?"

"Is that really the sort of question you should be asking me, considering you hourly wage of 150 dollars? Whatever happened to 'solving the mysteries of the human mind'?" Sheldon snorted, not in the mood for small talk.

"I was just asking a question Sheldon".

"So was I".

Janet Edelstein resisted the urge to roll her eyes, choosing instead to scribble something on her omnipresent paper. Sheldon, however, didn't resist any such urges and rolled his eyes exaggeratedly at the good doctor.

"I suppose your question was legitimate. I can get straight to work if that's what you prefer. How has your CBT been working out for you? Do you get along well with the group?" the therapist continued, keeping her eyes locked on the physicist.

"There's an awful lot of touching. I don't understand why I need to do this with five other people. Complete strangers, if I may! Lord knows where they've been…" Sheldon complained, anxiously rubbing his hands together.

"There wouldn't be much point in desensitizing you to physical contact if there is no actual physical contact" Dr. Edelstein gently reminded Sheldon, still taking notes as she was speaking.

"Hmmph, well, they could at least have the decency to provide me with charts of their personal hygienic routines…" Sheldon muttered, not at all convinced.

Janet shot him a reprimanding look, which he chose to ignore.

The first time he'd been here, it had been raining. The smattering against the window had occupied his mind with calculations of air pressure and velocity, but today was a clear, sunny day, and there were no raindrops there to comfort him. He looked around the room, taking in the heavy furniture and old fashioned smell of polish. It struck him as odd that a small, feminine woman would chose to work in such a large, masculine office.

"Have you always been mysophobic?" the woman in question asked, once again cutting off his trail of thoughts. He shook his head defensively.

"I'm not crazy, my mother had me tested".

"I didn't say you were crazy Sheldon, I simply asked if you have always been mysophobic" Dr. Edelstein smiled. Again with that smile. What purpose did it serve? It was probably meant to be soothing, but to him it was downright irritating.

"I recall answering that question the first time we met but since I realize most people aren't gifted with an eidetic memory, I will repeat my answer: yes, I have been uncomfortable with physical contact since childhood" Sheldon sighed, feeling his money go down the toilet.

"Mysophobia is the fear of bacteria, not the fear of touch" Janet corrected him, earning her yet another of Sheldon's force ten glares. She had a feeling she'd be collecting those.

"Very well. Yes, for most of my life I've avoided contact with the sick and unhealthy" the lanky physicist replied, wishing for the rain to return.

Images of himself as a child playing in the backyard flashed before his eyes. His sister was busy trying to catch insects while he was building a tiny fortress out of dirt and grass. He had always been scared of germs…hadn't he?

Suddenly, the room felt very cramped, and he had a strong urge to open the windows. He tugged at the neck of his t-shirt, wishing it weren't so tight.

"Do you feel this is what stops you from pursuing an intimate relationship with Amy?" the therapist asked, yet again busy with her pen and paper.

"I…I don't know" Sheldon answered truthfully. Finally, Dr. Edelstein put down the clipboard and looked straight at him.

"Sheldon, at our first appointment I asked you to think long and hard about why you have decided that you want to take your relationship with Amy to the next level. You told me that you had experienced a form of sexual awakening after having kissed her. Has there been any change, physically, between the two of you since that first encounter?" she queried, her brown eyes challenging him, urging him to open up.

"Yes… we hold hands, and sometimes I let her hug me or pat my back. We kiss" Sheldon admitted, feeling the familiar stirring within him as he thought of kissing Amy. He desperately tried to think of other things, such as the odd stain in the far left corner of the ceiling that had bothered him during his entire previous appointment.

"And do you enjoy kissing and touching Amy?" the therapist followed up, once again making him squirm in his seat.

"Yes…" he murmured, not looking her in the eyes.

"Okay then. Now Sheldon, we are going to do a little exercise. I want you to try to imagine yourself in a room where you are completely safe. It can be anywhere you like, as long as it's somewhere that's safe and calm. Now, are you picturing yourself in your safe spot?" Janet asked, carefully instructing him. "If it helps, you can close your eyes" she offered.

Sheldon suppressed what must have been his tenth snort that afternoon, but quietly obeyed. Immediately, he found himself transported back to his own living room, and his spot on the couch. His 0-0-0-0. His single point of consistency.

Sheldon smiled to himself, and looked around the living room. Everything was in order, just the way he liked it. Eidetic memories were fun: people didn't know what they were missing.

"If you have found your safe spot, allow yourself to wallow in its harmony. If you're cold, try picturing a blanket. Now, try picturing Amy there with you" Dr. Edelstein encouraged, painting the picture for him.

He looked to his right, and there she was. Her skirt, hairclip, glasses: it was all the same.

"Hi Sheldon" imaginary-Amy said, shooting off a smile at him. He could feel the timbre of her voice resonating against him.

"Is she there with you? Is it still safe?" the therapist asked, her voice sounding oddly far-off, just as the rain had sounded strange last week, and just as the whispers of his friends had later that same evening.

"She is with me. I'm still safe" he confirmed, keeping his eyes firmly shut.

"Good. Now, this might make you feel uncomfortable, and as soon as you feel the need to stop, we stop. Try to do your best. I want you to picture yourself in an intimate situation with Amy, or at least something that might be the beginning of an intimate situation. Try to describe how it's making you feel, and try to tell me what it is that's stopping you from moving forward" Janet instructed, her voice low and warm.

"I…I can't do that in front of you" Sheldon shuddered, feeling that infernal pang of shame in the pit of his stomach.

"I promise I won't laugh, or judge. Just try".

Taking a deep breath, Sheldon mentally returned to his spot in the living room. Amy was still sitting next to him, her hands clasped in her lap.

"I've been waiting for you Sheldon" Amy husked, slowly lifting her hand to stroke his cheek.

"Since I've conjured you, logic dictates I'm the one who's been waiting for you".

"Well, that's all in the eye of the beholder, isn't it?"

He nodded, knowing full well Amy could hold her own in a debate against him anytime, anywhere.

Slowly, he moved closer to her, and she rose to meet him halfway. He softly brushed his lips against hers, and she tilted her head to allow him access. Her hair smelled like cherries. He liked cherries.

Her breath was hot against his mouth, and before he knew it, the kiss deepened, and he felt her arms graze his neck and pull him closer to her. He knew for a fact that they had never done this in real life but in this fantasy – yes, fantasy – they were kissing frantically, tongues meeting and hands fondling various desirable parts of each other's bodies.

Amy moaned into his mouth, tugging at his shoulders to pull him down with her, and it was so easy to let himself follow. The feeling of her beneath him as they continued kissing was so unlike anything he'd ever experienced before. Suddenly, he felt that tightening at the small of his back, and that heat coursing through him, and just like that his throat clamped shut. He pulled away from her, feeling the panic start at his diaphragm and working its way up to his head.

"Stop! I need to stop!" Sheldon cried out, feeling the sweat breaking out and his pulse going up. For a second, he was scared he was going to vomit.

"Relax Sheldon, it's a panic attack. It's not dangerous but it can be extremely unsettling. Try lying down for a second" Dr. Edelstein eased him, helping him pull up his feet and went to get him a glass of water.

"Tell me, what happened? How did it make you feel?" she urged him on, once he'd settled down.

"I did as you told me" Sheldon muttered, "but I couldn't go through with it".

"What stopped you? Asides from my being here. What was it about this situation that was so frightening?"

"I… I wanted to. Everything about it felt right. But once I felt that…that heat at the pit of my stomach, I panicked. Every time I get that feeling I lose control and just…blank out. And it's awful" Sheldon rambled, still shaken from the experience, and slightly embarrassed to be admitting this to this woman, someone he barely knew. He hadn't even told his best friend Leonard about these sensations.

"Heat? You mean, when you feel like you might orgasm?" Janet arched her eyebrow, looking slightly puzzled.

If Dr. Edelstein hadn't been the experienced, and expensive, therapist that she was, she might have burst out laughing at the sheer size of Sheldon Cooper's eyes in that moment. Fortunately for Sheldon, she did no such thing. At least not on the outside.

For a second, time and space seemed to be standing still. For the first time in his life, he was speechless.

Suddenly, an alarm started chirping.

"Oh dear, it's already 4pm. Time's up!" Janet announced, hasting out of her chair, and smoothing the hem of her grey skirt. "Until next time, I want you to try to grow more comfortable with your body. I also want you to try doing the same exercise again, by yourself this time. If you want, you can have Amy help you with some of these exercises" Dr. Edelstein instructed, hustling him out of her office as she was expecting another client.

'Amy?' Sheldon thought as he made his way past Eden and out through the glass doors. 'Amy will never know of any of this'.


	4. Chapter 4

"You do realize I will not go through with this without some sort of division of tasks?" Sheldon stated.

"Sheldon, what tasks are there to divide? You knead, I stir, you give it a few poundings, and then we heat it up? Seriously, I did this all by myself and I was fine. Why don't we just 'wing it'?" Amy suggested, motioning her hand at her obsessive compulsive boyfriend.

"'Wing it'? Did Albert Einstein 'wing it' when he calculated the formula for his theory of relativity? Oh no little lady, if we are going to do this, we are doing it by the book" Sheldon countered, refusing to budge.

"I hardly think this is comparable to the theory of relativity."

"Did you actually _try _my Meemaw's Christmas cookies?"

Amy sighed.

"I suppose you're right. Alright, do you think you can handle licking the bowl while watching me bake the cookies?"

Sheldon's face lit up.

"That's _exactly _how Meemaw and I did it!"

Amy could do nothing but roll her eyes as Sheldon positioned himself on one of the stools in his kitchen, his chin resting in his hands and his elbows on the counter, his eyes glowing with expectation. Not that it wasn't better this way: her boyfriend excelled at many things, including baking, but despite their shared aversion to disorder, she was happy to have him 'out of her hair' so to speak. Even she needed to be able to improvise from time to time, which was close to impossible if Sheldon were to be in charge.

Amy carefully measured up ingredients, spreading flour on the counter to prepare it for the kneading, and began working on the cookie dough. She had always enjoyed working with her hands (she did cut up brains for a living after all), and found that performing physical tasks had a soothing effect on her. The batter was soft, following the commands of her fingers as she worked the air out of it, and reminded her of the times in her childhood when she had played with dough and mud. Perhaps not the most hygienic thing to come to mind as one was preparing food, but still.

Sheldon watched her work her way around the kitchen. Her hair was pulled back in a ponytail, and the sleeves on her floral blouse were tucked in above her elbows. Little flecks of flour were spattered across her apron, cheeks, and the tip of her nose. How lovely she was, this girlfriend of his, with her scrunched eyebrows and pursed lips.

Lips. He had kissed those lips. When he kissed her on a weekend morning as she came to pick him up to go to the zoo or an exhibition, they tasted of Listerine and toothpaste. The Date Night kisses tasted of her home cooking, perhaps tomatoes from the pasta sauce, a hint of white wine and basil… Her drunken kisses tasted of shame and intoxication, and something else, something musky and raw. If he had been more experienced he would have called it 'desire'. He found himself wondering what they'd taste like if he kissed her right now?

He swallowed, trying to ignore that damned surge in his stomach. Here she was, making his _grandmother's _Christmas cookies, and he was ogling her as if she were a stripper at a Tijuana sex show. He felt like he was watching himself from a distance. It was him: he recognized his features, his blue Superman t-shirt, his khaki pants… and yet it was someone else. Someone entirely different.

"Sheldon?" a voice called from the other side of the universe.

"Hmm?" he replied, slowly feeling himself return to the real world. There he found Amy, holding a bowl and a dough-scraper, one of her dark eyebrows arched in confusion.

"I'm done with the batter. Do you want to scrape off the rest of the dough from the bowl?" she asked, silently wondering which zone her boyfriend was in today.

He blinked, feeling a slight tingling in his limbs. Had he really been gone that long? It felt like seconds to him, but judging from the way Amy stared at him, it must have been closer to ten minutes.

He stretched his hand out to grab the bowl and scraper.

"Yes, the dough. Thank you" he mumbled, freeing his bewildered girlfriend from the kitchen utensils.

He scraped the dough from the bottom of the bowl, absent-mindedly nipping it off the scraper. The sugary batter was crunchy and soft at the same time, slowly melting on his tongue. The likeness to this and his Meemaw's cookie dough was astonishing.

Amy regarded him out of the corner of her eye, while she began work on cutting out the cookies. There was something very child-like and serene about this entire scene: her making the cookies, and his dreamy features as he licked the bowl. At the same time, she couldn't help but feel that something was troubling him. Ever since last Tuesday, he had acted strangely: he was more reclusive than ever, often zoning out and shutting her off. At the same time, he had begun casually touching her, occasionally putting his hand on her shoulder, and grazing her fingers with his own when they were sitting next to each other on the couch.

She had no idea what to make of it. She was grateful for some of the positive changes, but she was no fool. When it came to Sheldon and changes, they often came with a prize. She wondered what it would cost her this time.

Amy cleared her throat.

"Sheldon? If you're done, you can come and help me garnish the cookies?" she offered, holding up a paper cone filled with green icing.

"Oh, that was always my favorite part!" Sheldon called out excitedly, immediately jumping off the stool and joining her on the other side of the counter.

Amy couldn't help but laugh at his enthusiasm, and she gently nudged him with her shoulder.

"Put on your apron first! You wouldn't want icing on your Superman t-shirt" she reminded him, pointing at a white apron hanging on the wall next to the refrigerator.

"Of course not. Thank you for reminding me Amy" Sheldon nodded courtly, proceeding with putting on his apron, tying it at the small of his back.

They took turns garnishing the cookies. Sheldon made big business of the task, lining the cookies at a painfully slow pace, neatly tracing the edges. Amy watched him amusedly, chuckling to herself as the corner of his left eye started twitching when some of the icing ended up on the counter.

Sheldon looked up from the cookies, his face flushed and his expression that of a frustrated man.

"What are you laughing at?"

"I just think you're cute."

"Oh, here we go with the romantic nonsense. Why do you have to ruin a perfectly good baking session?" Sheldon sighed, shaking his head at his, in his mind, overly attached girlfriend.

"Need I remind you that this was _your _idea?"

"My idea was to have you bake me cookies, not to listen to your girly tittle-tattle" Sheldon muttered under his breath.

Amy stifled a groan, and returned to her batch. There were days when she was convinced she would spend the rest of her life fighting this battle, that there was no end to this constant bickering. She enjoyed it from time to time, appreciating the fact that there was more to their relationship than just mutual adoration. They were equals, two odd souls who held on to each other for dear life in a vast sea of normality in which none of them knew how to swim. She adored him – but there were times when she just wanted to leave him in that sea and let him figure out how to tread water on his own.

"We'll need to get these in the oven if they're to be done before seven o'clock" she informed him, choosing to ignore his condescending complaint. She carefully balanced the trays, while motioning her head in the direction of the oven door to get him to open it.

Soon, the rich smell of ginger and cardamom wafted through the apartment, gently teasing them as they quietly waited by the counter, none of them speaking. Normally they both enjoyed the silence but today it was heavy, pregnant with unspoken frustration and suspicion. Amy was sure Sheldon was keeping something from her, and Sheldon knew he was.

"Amy" Sheldon began, feeling his mouth go dry and the sweat build up at his temple, "Do you…that is, am I right in assuming… I mean…" he paused, distracted by the bespectacled brunette's bewildered facial expression. He never rambled. But then again, he never spoke of these things. Correction – he spoke of them, but he was never the one initiating the conversation.

"Does it bother you that we are not in a physical relationship?" he finally let out, the shame rippling through his body like a tidal wave. It was strange, he knew it. He had often scoffed at other people's embarrassment, deeming it irrational and a result of social codes he didn't adhere to anyway, but this… this embarrassed him.

Amy briefly considered calling the police… or Leonard. This was obviously not Sheldon – this was an impostor, a stranger, a con artist. What could possibly have brought this on?

She watched him where he was sitting in his white apron, hands clasped tightly in his lap, hair slightly muzzled. He looked like he tried to make himself smaller. What a punishment to be tall when all you want is for people not to look at you, she mused, deciding to answer his question, carefully but honestly.

"I first and foremost consider our relationship to be one of mutual respect and admiration. I enjoy spending time with you, and I find great pleasure in our conversations and shared interests. I feel very happy and fulfilled" she began, seeking his gaze and finding it. "I understand if we can't be intimate, and I'm perfectly fine with that. That doesn't mean I don't wish for intimacy, and that I'm not hoping that one day we'll be able to take our relationship to the next level. Au contraire – I'm always hoping" Amy continued, determined not to forget herself in this conversation. Her needs mattered – that much she was sure of. They were two in this relationship.

Sheldon nodded, biting his lower lip, chiding himself for being so stupid. He had known all of this, she had told him before. Why had he felt the need to ask her a question he already knew the answer to?

"Does it bother you?" Amy countered.

Sheldon's head snapped up, reminding Amy of a deer caught in the headlights.

"W-what?" he stammered, once again feeling as if he were outside of his body.

Oh. Perhaps that was why.

Amy scolded herself mentally, angrily chastising herself for asking such a thing. Sheldon was still a flight risk! There was no way he'd let her watch that documentary on neuroscience now, she'd be forced to sit through one of his Star Wars Trek thingies for sure. But there was a part of her that needed to know.

"I said… does it bother you?" she repeated softly, challenging him with those emerald green eyes. They were undisputedly her most attractive feature, with their swirls of amber and green and that black rim around the irises. He tried not to get lost in those deep pools but it was hard.

"I…I haven't decided yet" he admitted, his voice barely a whisper. He pictured his sanity, how it taunted him from the other side of the room, threatening to jump out the window. A doctor had once told his worried-sick mother that there was nothing wrong with him, but people who weren't insane didn't imagine their sanity sticking its tongue out at them.

Slowly, as if he were afraid he'd be burned, he stretched his hand out towards her, feeling his entire arm tingle as his right index finger made contact with her soft, warm skin. Amy's eyelids fluttered shut as he gently traced her jaw line, not daring to question this sudden act of intimacy, afraid that she'd break the spell.

Softly, he brushed his lips against hers in the gentlest of kisses, noting to himself that she tasted of ginger and cardamom. 'She must have tried the cookie dough' he mused as he broke away from her.

"Why did you do that?" Amy queried, knowing that he usually kissed her by the end of their date.

"Because I'm not crazy."

"I never thought you were."

Sheldon looked around the room, noticing the clock on the wall.

"I think the cookies are done" he declared, finally feeling himself return to reality.

"So it seems" Amy agreed, still lightheaded from the unexpected kiss.

"Well? What are you waiting for? The trays aren't gonna take themselves out little lady" Sheldon lectured, ushering her off her stool, acting his normal pompous self.

This time Amy did groan.

* * *

**A/N: So this is what you get when you write fanfiction while watching a documentary on The Doors... space cookies. *Drum roll* Oh, well, I hope you enjoyed the update! I will try to post the next chapter later tonight if I manage to finish it, otherwise, I'll update as soon as possible! Thank you so much for all the reviews, you guys rock! I'm glad so many of us dig the Shamy :-D**


	5. Chapter 5

**A/N: Yaaay, I did manage to finish the chapter! For those of you following this story (thanks btw!): I uploaded two new chapters tonight, so before you read this, you should read chapter 4. As always: thank you for reading and reviewing, you guys are the best! Okay I should stop rambling now... Long live the Shamy!**

* * *

"Good afternoon Dr. Cooper" the attractive receptionist greeted Sheldon as he stepped into the waiting room outside Dr. Edelstein's office.

"Good afternoon Eden" Sheldon reciprocated, a sense of weariness washing over him. There was something very disturbing about the fact that the receptionist at his therapist's office recognized him. He wasn't even sure that it was appropriate for a receptionist in this sort of establishment to familiarize herself with the clientele. He sighed. It was the Olive Garden all over again.

"You can go right in Dr. Cooper, Dr. Edelstein is expecting you" Eden informed him, motioning a manicured hand at the dark, wooden door.

"'Go right in'?" Sheldon repeated, letting out an offended snort. "Eden, Eden, Eden" he tuted, shaking his head as he walked up to the door. There should be some sort of law against these hippy-dippy names: having your parents name you Peaches or Heaven was a malady for which there was no cure. Poor Eden: he did appreciate her professionalism and impeccable attire. It was a cruel world indeed.

Eden was dumbstruck but that went right by Sheldon, as he had already raised his fist to knock on the door.

_Knock, knock, knock!_

"Dr. Edelstein?"

_Knock, knock, knock!_

"Dr. Edelstein?"

_Knock, knock, knock!_

"Dr. Edelstein?"

The door opened, revealing a grinning Janet Edelstein, all decked out in uniform. He found himself wondering if she only owned one two-piece, or if her wardrobe was filled with grey blazers and pencil skirts, neatly arranged from Monday to Friday. He liked that thought: it reminded him of himself. And Batman.

"Why good afternoon Sheldon, I was just about to call you in. Come inside, please" she said, making an inviting gesture with her left hand.

"Thank you" Sheldon nodded politely as he stepped inside. "I'm pleased to see you didn't keep me waiting today" he commended her as he took a seat in his usual spot on the couch.

"It may come as a surprise to you but I am a firm believer in order and organization" Dr. Edelstein enlightened him as she took her seat, "But unfortunately, life – as well as the human mind – works in mysterious ways, and I get thrown off schedule" she chuckled, crossing her legs in her usual fashion.

Sheldon nodded in recognition. "A battle I have fought all my life" he sighed despairingly.

"Ah, speaking of which – we will return to that topic later" the therapist informed him, straightening her back and shifting into professional mode. "But I thought we might start where we left off the last time you were here. I had you imagine a scenario in which you were initiating an intimate session with your girlfriend. You found yourself unable to go through with the task, remember?"

"I have an eidetic memory: I remember every single day of my entire life. Surely you must know that by now."

"I was just making sure. Now, you told me that feeling a certain 'heat' at the pit of your stomach causes you to panic. Would you mind telling me more about that?"

"I most certainly would."

"Why is that?"

"It's awfully personal".

"I know it is Sheldon."

"Then why do you ask?"

"Because you asked for my help."

He squirmed in his seat, avoiding her gaze and her lop-sided smile that taunted him with its enigmatic pull. Didn't she realize what she was asking of him? Didn't she know just how much willpower he had to muster up just to get himself to attend these sessions?

He looked out the window, once again noting that today was a sunny day. How could the world be filled with such light, such beauty, when he was in here filled with misery and despair?

"When I….climax" he pressed out through gritted teeth, "I lose the numbers and the equations. The rows turn into spirals. It's all jumbled up into one big…sea of disorder" he told her, still looking out the window.

The therapist arched an eyebrow, scribbling something on that infernal paper.

"What numbers and equations? What is so bad about losing them?" she inquired curiously.

He turned to her angrily, offended that she would even ask him such a thing.

"Really? I know that you are just a common Homo Sapiens, but you just told me how much you value order" he scolded her. "There are numbers everywhere: mathematics truly is the language of the Universe. I need to sort them, organize them. Otherwise…" he paused, realizing what he was about to say.

"Otherwise…?" Janet repeated, urging him to tell her what was going on inside that brain of his.

"Otherwise I can't function" Sheldon finished weakly, feeling ashamed. Was it really that bad?

Dr. Edelstein nodded, not taking her eyes off her clipboard. Sheldon felt as if he was desperately holding on to the edge of a cliff, at the mercy of the lactic acid that was building up in his arms, slowly rendering him too weak to hold on.

"When you were a child Sheldon, not much was known about Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. Things are different now: there are things you can do to manage it" the brunette therapist told him, shooting an encouraging smile at him. Not that he could tell.

"I do _not _have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder!"

"Yes you do."

Sheldon was about to chew her head off, but stopped himself, admitting defeat.

"I know" he confessed, his voice soft and childlike. He'd known for a long time.

Dr. Edelstein put down her clipboard and reached behind her head to pin back a strand of hair that had escaped her austere bun. There was something strangely rebellious about that dark strand of hair: a youthful playfulness that reminded him that beneath that shell of professionalism was a caring human being. A simple Homo Sapiens of course, but human nonetheless.

"As I said: there are ways for you to manage it. We will return to that later" she continued as she put the final hand to her hair, having restored her perfect exterior. "Now, I know how you feel about this topic but I do believe that it's essential that we get to the bottom of this, if you are to accomplish your goal. You said that you lose control when you orgasm, and this makes you feel uneasy. Do you masturbate regularly?"

Sheldon whimpered, wishing the hour could be over soon.

"I…suppose" he admitted, desperately trying to ignore the sweat that was trickling down his back, looking everywhere but at the woman in front of him. 'The stain, focus on the stain' he commanded himself, finding comfort in the irritation that the stain in the ceiling brought on.

Dr. Edelstein was relentless.

"So you do engage in some sort of sexual activity. How do you feel about that?" she queried, working that pencil like some sort of magic wand, scribbling like there was no tomorrow.

He was going to do it. He was going to leave. He couldn't take this anymore: she had broken him, and all that was left for him to do was pick up the pieces and leave while he still could. He wanted out.

Just as he was about to get up and stomp out of her office forever, something came to him. A memory.

He found himself standing in the corridor outside of his room, in a similar position as he was in now. Amy had threatened to leave him to spend the night alone in his room, while she enjoyed a reenactment of a high school prom along with their friends. Then, as now, he had panicked at the thought of them engaging in physical intimacy.

But as she was leaving, he had burst out of his room, desperately admitting to her that he did find her pretty. He had asked her if she had hoped they would spend the night together, and she had replied that she was always hoping, but that she did understand why he couldn't do it. She had said the exact same thing during their baking session.

Because she loved him.

"I love you too" he had told her, interrupting her before she had the chance to tell him.

Because he already knew.

He drew a deep breath, and at last he met Janet's gaze and she met his, knowing that something, if not everything, had changed.

"Physically, I find it…pleasurable" he whispered, and she had to lean forward to hear what he was saying. "Mentally… it's exhausting" he exhaled, still trying to regain his composure.

"What comes to mind when you do this? What is it that makes it so difficult?" Dr Edelstein asked, her gaze soft and comforting. This time he could tell.

"I feel ashamed… I feel like I should be able to control myself. And the sensation of my organizational system dissolving is… disturbing. I have spent my entire life working out a system: creating order where there is none. Sex is… chaotic" he explained, speaking up this time. Ranting about the inexplicable mess that was human emotion was oddly soothing. At least spitting out his distaste for it was.

"You said that you need this system in order to function, yet you continuously seek sexual gratification: something that essentially annihilates this carefully constructed order. If you feel bad about doing it, why don't you just stop?" Janet questioned, stating the obvious.

Yeah. Why didn't he? It was the logical course of action.

"Most of the time, I am in control of my baser urges. But sometimes I just can't… resist. Not even I am infallible" Sheldon reluctantly admitted.

"I am glad to hear that there are times you allow yourself to walk among the rest of us as a common man" Dr. Edelstein snickered.

"I do feel the need to 'take my cape off' at times".

"Even Superman goes to bed at night."

"Are we having a discussion about Comic Books? Because in that case, that hourly wage of 150 dollars is starting to make sense to me."

"It may seem as if I'm 'robbing you blind' but I assure you, I am one of the good guys".

Sheldon stared at her, and then did something in between a snort and a snicker; a funny noise that she assumed was his version of laughter. She found herself smiling back.

"Well, I think what we need to focus on is reducing your anxiety and giving you the mental tools to manage your compulsions" she stated, once again shifting into professional mode. "The fact that you do self-gratify is a step in the right direction. What I need you to do is try to get more comfortable with your own body, as I believe I told you last week. The fear that something bad will happen if you allow yourself to lose control is an irrational one. If you can, try to increase your… sessions. When you do climax, try to stay in that state of mind. Tell yourself that nothing bad is going to happen. The key to managing your problem is to think logically, and something tells me you excel at that" the good doctor smiled.

"Of course" Sheldon nodded. Now she spoke his language.

"Good. I also want you to try some of the exercises we spoke of last week. Have you had any luck with that?"

An image flashed in front of Sheldon's eyes.

"I kissed Amy on Date Night, once when she was about to leave as I am bound to do by our Relationship Agreement, and once while we were baking cookies" he confided, feeling oddly proud.

Dr. Edelstein smiled.

"Good. Maybe, as you grow more comfortable, you can let Amy help you with your…sessions, if you're both willing" she suggested, once again shocking Sheldon to the core.

"Help me? Do you hear yourself woman? I can barely watch myself do it, let alone have her see me like that. I must say Dr. Edelstein, that I find your continuous suggestions that Amy should… gratify me… insulting" he berated her, angrily scrunching his face. She had some nerve.

The brunette therapist glanced at her wristwatch, putting down her pencil and uncrossing her legs.

"That's something we'll have to discuss next time Sheldon" she exhaled, and got up from her seat. "But I have faith in you. Just try to keep in mind that . . " she stated, dead serious.

Sheldon didn't reply, but made a mental note to himself to at least consider her advice.

Just as he was about to walk out the door, a thought struck him.

"You didn't offer to shake my hand when I arrived. Why?" he questioned, fearing that perhaps she was already starting to give up on him.

Janet smiled, glancing down at her feet and then looking up.

"I thought I'd leave it up to you to take the first step" she told him, shooting off that patented smile that he was slowly growing accustomed to.

He looked at her, then down at her hand that was hanging loosely at her side.

"Very well then" he said, and left to catch the bus back home.


	6. Chapter 6

**A/N: Hey guys, guess who's back? =) I'm sure you've figured out by now that the chapter order is Dr-shamy-dr-shamy so naturally, this is a Shamy chapter! Hopefully I'll be able to finish the next dr chapter tonight but if not - please enjoy this! Also, I should probably mention that I know nothing of physics, mathematics, therapy, or PS4 (or gaming). Anything I know, I know from either experience or Google. One is allowed a little artistic license eh? =) Long live the Shamy!**

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"I'm not doing it".

"Sheldon, you already agreed to it! According to the Relationship Agreement, section 5, §21, if both parties vote in favor, the decision should be considered valid. In short terms: you can't bail out of this.

"You got me to agree to it under false pretense! This was not what I had in mind when you suggested a 'night of gaming'!"

"Well, to be honest Sheldon… you didn't actually ask what game we'd play."

"'Just Dance', Amy? Really? In what universe does playing 'Just Dance' qualify as a 'night of gaming'?"

"I thought you were a String Theorist. You believe in an infinite number of universes."

The dark haired physicist opened his mouth to spit out a venomous comeback, thought of none, and then closed it again sheepishly. Amy shot a smug grin at him, knowing already that she'd won. That woman… That cunning, frustrating, infuriating, _fascinating _woman was going to be the death of him.

Muttering something unintelligible under his breath, Sheldon snatched the disc from her and began work on setting up the game. Amy's grin grew into a beaming smile, and she sat down in one of the armchairs, enjoying the opportunity to watch her boyfriend without him scolding her for it.

"Alright, we're all set" Sheldon sighed, looking like a man awaiting his execution. "Now that you've so cunningly tricked me into this evening of twisted ankles and shameful pelvic gyration, I suppose the only thing left for you to do is tell me what the rules are…. Not that I expect there to be any" he snorted, shaking his head disapprovingly. Girl games.

"Sheldon, quit sulking. This will be fun! You pick a song, and then you just follow the instructions on the screen. The camera will register our motions, and the avatars will mimic them. Frankly, I thought you'd be happy that I suggested we do something _you _like this time" Amy told him, cocking her head to the side. Oh, she knew he wouldn't approve of this game, but she desperately wanted them to do something fun for once.

The past few weeks had been a roller coaster: she never knew what to expect. There were days when she actually believed they might be getting somewhere in terms of physical contact. Other days he was reclusive, withdrawn, anxious, and would snap at her if she even dared ask for a good night kiss. She was constantly walking on eggshells around him, becoming increasingly paranoid. Was it her? Was it him? Didn't he love her anymore? Was this how things were going to be forever? Maybe this was as far as Sheldon was willing to go with her. She swallowed a lump in her throat at that thought, refusing to let it swallow her up. She couldn't believe that. She _didn't _believe that.

"You're just afraid I'm going to beat you" she teased, coyly raising her eyebrow.

Sheldon raised both his eyebrows in return, feeling his competitive side awaken.

"It's on, little lady" he deadpanned, grabbing the remote control from the coffee table as if it were a dagger, hitting 'play' without taking his eyes off her. Amy stared back, rising up to the challenge.

The challenge came to a quick halt however as they were trying to decide which song they should start with.

"This is ridiculous" Sheldon muttered, furiously browsing and finding himself back where he started, "I don't know any of these songs. Who is Nicki Minaj and why is she singing about an anaconda?" he questioned, staring disbelievingly at the screen where a half-naked woman was crawling on all fours, bobbing her posterior up and down as she was staring seductively into the camera. The connection to semi-aquatic gargantuan tropical reptiles was entirely lost on him.

"I have no idea Sheldon, just pick a song" Amy groaned, starting to wonder if this really had been such a good idea.

"I sure as bleep ain't dancing to no Anaconda-song" Sheldon muttered in response, browsing past the disturbing image of the half-naked woman who was still bobbing her posterior up and down. There was something about it that made him extremely uncomfortable, especially as he was standing next to Amy.

"Here. 'Timber' by Ke$ha" he said, pressing 'play' before any of them could protest. "Though I have a feeling it will have nothing to do with forestry" he added under his breath, still annoyed that Amy was forcing him to make a fool of himself.

"It'll do Sheldon. Come on, it's starting" Amy told him, tugging at his sleeve to get him to pay attention to the screen.

None of them had the time to feel embarrassed as they were both too concentrated on the instructions on the screen to care what the other was doing. Sheldon, being a proficient dancer thanks to his mother forcing him to take lessons as a child, fared slightly better than Amy who couldn't coordinate her arms and legs properly.

After a while, they started to get the hang of it, and Sheldon called out instructions to Amy, more to keep her from constantly bumping into his side than anything.

"Sheldon, you're doing really well" Amy gasped, slightly out of breath from the exercise, as she grabbed his hand to let him twirl her around.

"There's a system" Sheldon puffed, as he stretched his arms out to do perfect jazz hands, "every three turns there's a twirl, and every four turns you do the John Travolta" he continued, grabbing his girlfriend by the hip and shoulder to dip her as the song came to an end, which almost caused Amy to faint from excitement.

"J-John Travolta?" she stammered, as she tried to regain her composure. Whew, was it hot in there?

Sheldon, feeling slightly flustered himself, found himself staring at her. Her cheeks were glowing, and little droplets of sweat were glistening at her hairline. She looked positively radiant: the dancing session had been incredibly fun. Not that he'd admit that to her.

"It's when you… put one leg in front of the other and gyrate your hips" he mumbled, finding himself staring at the floor.

"Oh, that" Amy replied, suddenly feeling self-conscious. She didn't feel like dancing anymore.

"I think I need to sit down and have a drink of water, I'm exhausted" she told Sheldon, making a beeline for the refrigerator.

Sheldon nodded, and went to sit down in his spot.

Amy returned with two bottles of water, taking her place in her usual spot next to him. Sheldon quietly accepted it, and put it to his mouth to let the cool liquid replenish his systems, hydrate him, calm him. It slid down his throat and landed in his stomach, like a cold lump of ice. He wondered if that was what drowning felt like: a bag of ice deep inside that slowly spread its chill through the veins into his heart, his lungs, his brain. Liquid in his mouth, his throat, his belly. He felt so heavy, as if the ice had spread to his arms and legs. Would he be able to keep treading water?

"I know that there's something you're not telling me" Amy declared, her voice laced with sadness and something else…was it defeat?

Sheldon slowly turned to her, struck with the realization that he didn't have to wonder: he _knew _what drowning felt like.

"There are lots of things I'm not telling you. For example, did you know that the Vinland map was once thought to be solid proof that the Norse sailed all the way to…"

"Sheldon!"

"Really Amy, what makes you so sure of that?"

"I just know".

"Well, that's just pure, un-scientific hokum."

Amy rubbed her temple, feeling a massive headache growing behind her right eye. He showed all his tell-tale signs of lying: the corner of his left eye was twitching like there was no tomorrow, he kept clutching and unclutching his hands, and his replies were evasive, at best. Why wouldn't he tell her what was wrong?

Sheldon thought he was going to die there and then. He had never been good at lying, especially not to Amy, and he didn't know how much longer he could keep things up. In between therapy sessions he also had his CBT-groups he needed to attend once a week, and he found it increasingly difficult to come up with excuses for where he went every Tuesday and Friday night.

He licked his lips, feeling his mouth go dry. Amy was still looking at him, refusing to let him off the hook. He couldn't tell her, not yet. But he could reassure her.

"It's just… it's something I've been working on these past few weeks. It's kept me a little occupied and quite frankly, quite stressed out" he explained, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. Well, it wasn't a complete lie: he _had _been working on a project lately.

Amy blinked.

"Why haven't you told me?" she asked, a confused and slightly hurt expression grazing her features.

Oh, how he hated doing this to her. He absolutely detested seeing her so dejected, and he felt an overwhelming urge to embrace her.

"I-I'm not at liberty to say" he stammered, hoping she'd fall for it.

She didn't. But she decided to give him the benefit of the doubt.

"I'm sorry if I came off a little rough on you Sheldon. I didn't mean to interrogate you" she mumbled softly, gently covering his hand with hers, tenderly moving her thumb in figure eights in a comforting gesture.

He looked down at her petite hand, quietly mapping it with his eyes. Her fingers were long and thin, like those of a piano player. As if on cue, his chest tightened and a familiar heat rose in his stomach, effectively melting the ice that had previously occupied the premises. He remembered what Dr. Edelstein had said, about the exercises. That Amy could help him.

He shuddered, feeling ashamed that he'd think of this now. He had just lied to his girlfriend, the woman he supposedly loved.

"If… If I ask you to… to do something" he rambled, unable to stop himself, "would you be willing to… I mean… Would you do it?" he exhaled, feeling his entire body tremble. He couldn't – he absolutely couldn't!

Amy eyed him curiously, wondering what on Earth could have gotten into him now. One moment they were arguing, next thing she knew he was asking her a favor. She couldn't help but feel a little suspicious: she'd known Sheldon long enough to know that one didn't just agree to do things for him. One tended to regret doing so afterwards.

"I suppose that depends on what it is you want to do" she began, scanning him from top to bottom for some sort of clue as to what was going on, "but you know I would do anything for you" she declared sweetly, unable to stay mad at him for long. He was quite adorable when he was nervous.

Sheldon looked at her, at her dark hair, green eyes, soft skin. Looking so innocent with her hair clip and dark rimmed glasses. He couldn't possibly ask her to do this. He wasn't even sure he _wanted _her to, not at the moment at least. Maybe they could start with something a little less… panic inducing.

"Would you… would you come closer?" he asked, earning him another bewildered look from Amy, but she obeyed him nonetheless, leaning in towards him. He hesitated for a second, before stretching out his hands to grab her glasses. Slowly, he took them off and sat them down on the coffee table. Amy said nothing, but he could tell from the way her chest was heaving that she was just as excited as he was.

"I've always admired the way your eye color changes depending on the light" Sheldon mumbled, tracing one of her dark eyebrows with his right index finger.

Before he knew it, Amy had closed the distance between them entirely, pressing her soft lips against his. For a second, he debated with himself whether he'd end the kiss and let it remain chaste, or deepen it. He opted for the latter, wrapping his arms around her and tilting his head to the side to pull her in even closer.

It was nothing like he'd imagined it in Dr. Edelstein's office. Amy was warmer, softer, and sweeter than he could ever have hoped, and kissing her this way was scarier than anything he'd ever done in his entire life. He could hear her moan in the background, instantly feeling that knot tightening at the small of his back. His breath was ragged, and his heart was threatening to burst out of his chest but he was unable to stop this, unable to break away from her.

"I need… I need…" he panted into her mouth, starting to feel dizzy.

"What do you need?" Amy whispered, raking her fingers through his hair as she nibbled at his bottom lip.

He knew what he needed. Amy knew what he needed. He knew that Amy knew what he needed. Hell, if anyone had walked into that room at that very moment they'd be able to tell what he needed.

"I need….I need to stop" he finished weakly, finally breaking away from her.

"Okay" Amy nodded, and pulled him into her, cradling him in her arms. She gently stroked his hair, and he let her, wallowing in her warmth and care. She looked down at him, watching him as his breathing slowly returned to normal.

Now she definitely knew there was something he wasn't telling her.


	7. Chapter 7

**A/N: I briefly considered waiting until tomorrow to post this chapter, but you guys have been so sweet what with all your reviews and following - I couldn't resist! Now, this is Another double update so Before Reading this, you should read chapter 6. I apologize to any Texans in advance: I'm just trying to keep Sheldon in character! =) I hope you guys enjoy!**

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The clock on the wall was ticking ominously, as if counting down the hours until the arrival of a malicious being. In this case, it was counting down the hours, or to be precise: the_ hour, _until Sheldon Cooper was stepping out of this office once and for all, and by doing that, proving to himself that he just wasn't the man Amy Farrah Fowler wanted him to be.

Never had he been happier that he had elected not to tell her about the therapy sessions: that way, she'd never know that he'd failed.

"Don't feel like talking today, huh?" Dr. Edelstein softly inquired, quietly regarding him from across the coffee table.

"There is no point in my talking. Clearly, we have reached an impasse and thus it is completely pointless for me to continue with these sessions".

"If you feel that way, why did you show up for your session today?"

"I've already paid you the 150 dollars, I couldn't stay at home" Sheldon huffed. What did she think – that he'd shown up hoping she'd miraculously talk him into continuing with their sessions? Please.

The good doctor shot him one of her patented smiles, and Sheldon rolled his eyes in return.

"It's not uncommon for people to plateau at one point or the other Sheldon – to feel like there is nothing else that can be done. One expects a quick fix and a solution to one's problems when in reality, it can take months to overcome your problems and barriers" she gently explained, coaxing him to reveal just what had gone so horribly wrong since they'd last met.

"Sheldon Cooper doesn't plateau".

"Sheldon Cooper just did."

Sheldon stared at her furiously, trying to will her to stop psychoanalyzing him. Just who did this woman think she was?

"I did as you told me to!" he spat out, feeling his face go red, "I tried to do everything you wanted me to do but I _couldn't_!"

He closed his eyes, trying to use the Vulcan practice of Kolinahr to stop his body from trembling. Why wouldn't that infernal woman stop _smiling _at him?! Here he was, telling her that what she was doing was useless, that he had no intention of continuing to let her work with him, that he was _miserable_, and yet all she did was smile and ask him how he felt. He felt like he'd have a brain aneurysm.

"Tell me what happened Sheldon" Janet insisted, allowing him his outburst, "Tell me why you feel this isn't worth fighting for any longer."

He swallowed, trying to gather his composure. What difference did it make? He was already there. He might as well tell her.

"I haven't….told Amy I'm seeing you" he confessed, surprised to discover he felt much better getting that off his chest.

Dr. Edelstein said nothing, but her eyes urged him to continue.

"I'm still trying to implement some of the exercises you've given me into our Date Nights and meetings. I've been… improving in terms of my tolerance for physical contact. A few nights ago as I was spending time with Amy, I felt… that is, I came to think of what you said before… about her helping me. You know…with…and I asked her if she was willing to do something for me, should I ask for it" he babbled, speaking quickly and purposefully avoiding looking into her eyes.

"And how did it go?" the brunette therapist queried, having picked up her clipboard and pencil as soon as he'd decided to start talking.

"I couldn't ask her to do that to me! Lord knows what she'd think of me if I asked her to do that!" Sheldon cried out, his voice hoarse and its pitch rising by the minute.

"Sheldon, last time I told you I wanted to discuss this matter with you. Why do you think Amy would be insulted if you asked her to touch you intimately? Has she not expressed a desire to pursue a physical relationship?" Dr. Edelstein asked, her voice as soft as ever, her deep brown eyes soothing as they searched his gaze over the rim of her glasses.

"Yes she has. Continuously" Sheldon mumbled, feeling slightly ashamed about raising his voice to the woman. His mother wouldn't have approved of that.

"Then what makes you think she'd think less of you for pursuing one with her?"

Sheldon squirmed. He didn't know how to talk about these things. He was a man of science, a theoretical physicist, a firm believer in do's and don't's. He couldn't climb this mountain: it was too high, the wind was too strong, the chill too numbing, the shelter too sparse. There was nothing to eat, nothing to breathe.

"She knows I'm hiding something from her" he quietly admitted, once again feeling strangely relieved to be able to share this with someone.

"That is to be expected, assuming the two of you have been together for quite some time" Janet told him, scribbling something on her paper. 'What could she possibly be writing now?' Sheldon mused, feeling the beginnings of a stomach ache inside of him.

He rubbed his hands together, trying to find the words to describe what was going on inside his head, what it was that terrified him so.

"I'm afraid that… if I ask her to do something, she might actually… do it" he began, feeling the embarrassment creep up along his spine. The clock was yet ticking, teasing his senses where he was sitting, letting him know that soon, the hour would be over.

"And I worry that… if she does, I'll want more. And she'll agree to that too. And we'll do it and then…" he paused, feeling as if something was sitting on his chest, trying to choke him. He couldn't swallow the lump in his throat no matter how hard he tried.

"And then…?" Dr. Edelstein coaxed.

"And then… things will change between us. She'll discover it wasn't all she made it up to be and she'll… think less of me" Sheldon whispered, feeling himself getting sucked into a black hole of shame, of anxiety, of unsatisfied urges that constantly taunted him, lured him in, only to leave him feeling dirty and confused.

Dr. Edelstein didn't answer immediately. She continued writing for a few minutes, further fuelling his suspicion that he was indeed going insane – no matter what that doctor had told his mama all those years ago.

Finally, she spoke, her tone analytical and her aura stern, as if she was telling him to pay attention not just in words, but in body.

"In essence: you are afraid that once you and your girlfriend decide to become intimate, she will be disappointed and leave you. It's not uncommon to fear that changing the paradigm of a relationship into one of a sexual nature will essentially ruin the relationship altogether. You are right: sex does complicate things. I will not tell you otherwise Sheldon" she half-told, half-lectured.

"But there is also something more, something that frightens you, makes you feel ashamed. I would credit your OCD and mysophobia for some of it, since you have difficulties allowing yourself to lose control, but I am convinced that there is something more to this. How was your upbringing? Did your parents talk to you about sex? Were they religious?"

"I'm from east Texas: there are plenty of religious nuts to go around there" Sheldon muttered, not entirely comfortable with the way she managed to snake into his head. It was almost eerie at times.

"Is that so?" Dr. Edelstein asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sheldon nodded, feeling himself drift off. He looked down at his hands but they looked different, smaller, almost like those of a child. Furthermore: he was wearing jeans. Somewhere in the background, a familiar tune was playing. What was that? Stand... Stand by your Man by Tammy Wynette? Yes, that was it. His nostrils picked up the scent of cheap bourbon.

He looked to his left and there was his father, driving their old pickup truck, a hat pulled down over his dark hair. He was wearing that blue flannel shirt that smelled like laundry soap and chewing tobacco and Old Spice, and Sheldon could tell he was slim beneath that shirt and jeans jacket. That meant Sheldon himself must be around six or seven years old.

"Where are we goin' Daddy? 'Tis past mah bed time" Sheldon asked, watching his father as he sang along with the song on the radio.

"We're goin' someplace fun, you'll see. But ya can't tell Mama 'bout it, ya hear that sport?" his father replied, never taking his eyes off the road.

Sheldon nodded, already familiar with the drill. 'We can't tell mom. We can't tell dad. We can't tell anyone anything' the young boy thought to himself as they were making their way down the highway.

They pulled up in front of something Sheldon could only assume was a bar. A blonde woman in a short black dress and high heels came out to greet them.

"George! You made it! Oh I see ya brought lil' Shelly with ya!" she exclaimed as they made it out of the truck. "I'm your Daddy's friend Bobbie Jean" she introduced herself, lowering herself to Sheldon's height. He couldn't help but stare at her ample bosom: any second, it would spill out of her dress.

"Mary's in church with the other kids but Shelly wouldn't go" George excused himself, motioning his hand at his young son. "Gotta take yer time with this one" he continued, his voice softening.

"Oh, it's quite alright! Look Shelly, I got something for ya!" Bobbie Jean smiled, and held out something that Sheldon thought was supposed to pass for an action figure. He grabbed it, eyeing it suspiciously.

George jabbed his shoulder with his palm, almost causing Sheldon to fall.

"Uh… thank you ma'am" Sheldon coughed out, not sure what to say.

"You're welcome honey!" Bobbie Jean said, still smiling.

"Son, you wait here out on the porch. This ain't no place for children" his father told him. "You wait out here 'til I come to get you, ya hear?" he continued, clasping his shoulder firmly.

"Yes sir" Sheldon nodded, and went to sit out on the stairs while his father and Bobbie Jean went inside. Lucky for him, it was a warm, Texan summer night, and he even tried his hands at playing with the stupid action figure. He was a quirky child who didn't enjoy company and was glad not to have to go inside with all the drunk grownups.

He was hoping Daddy wouldn't have too many beers though: if he got drunk, he'd forget Sheldon and stay until closing hours, and they'd have to sleep in the car. In fact, he was hoping Daddy would be back soon because he needed to use the bathroom and there was no way he was using the facilities in this establishment.

After two hours, Sheldon decided it was make or break. Break in that he had to break his rule about public bathrooms, and make because… he really needed to make peepee now.

He opened the heavy doors and stepped inside the scruffy bar. Inside were men and women, some young, some old. Most men were wearing hats and most women were wearing short dresses. It smelled of cigarettes and liquor. Quietly, hoping his father wouldn't spot him, he made his way to the bathroom. The music was too loud for him to pick up the funny noises coming from the men's room.

As he opened the door, he felt himself freeze on the spot. There was his Daddy, doing something to that woman Bobbie Jean, but he couldn't understand what. Daddy had her pinned up against the wall, her legs wrapped around his hips and her arms cradling his shoulders. They were both breathing heavy, and Bobbie Jean was whimpering.

"Daddy, are you hurting Bobbie Jean?" he heard himself ask, still frozen on the spot.

It had been a mess. His mother had found out of course, and with that followed crying and cursing and praying, and endless days in church. Sheldon didn't say thanks for dinner: mama hit him in the head with a Bible. Sheldon forgot to put away his science kit: mama hit him in the head with a Bible. Sheldon tried asking his Daddy what had happened between him and Bobbie Jean and was it Sheldon's fault that mommy was crying? – Daddy slapped him at the back of his head and told him to mind his own business. Sheldon heard from Missy that Daddy and Bobbie Jean had been _sinning. _Not being your average child, Sheldon went to get the Encyclopedia and finally figured out exactly what his father and Bobbie Jean had been doing.

"My mother called it 'sinning'" Sheldon told his therapist as he felt himself return to the present. "My father enjoyed burying himself in dumb blondes and bourbon. I caught him once with one of his lovers. After my mother broke down and turned to religion for comfort, my father told me that I should stay away from romantic relationships. 'Women ain't nothing but trouble' he said" he mumbled, trying hard to erase the picture of his father and the blonde barkeep from his retina.

The clock was ticking, reminding him that their session was almost over. Their last session.

"Do you want to end this here?" Dr. Edelstein asked, putting down her pencil. "Or do you think this is something we should continue to explore next Tuesday?"

Sheldon blinked. He had arrived today intending to give up. But now that he was slowly beginning to understand what may lie behind his…issues…he couldn't bring himself to end this. His parents' marriage had imploded. He wasn't ready to give up on his chances of finally being able to give himself to Amy completely.

"I… suppose we could schedule another session" he mumbled, rising from his seat as the clock struck 4.

Dr. Edelstein rose too, her omnipresent smile widening.

"Then I'll see you next week Sheldon" she said, escorting him out of her office.

Sheldon walked out of there, swearing he could still feel the scent of cheap bourbon.


	8. Chapter 8

**A/N: First of all, I want to thank you for the overwhelming amount of PM's and positive reviews that have been flowing in during the night, I woke up and had to answer heaps of fan mail (didn't expect that), and got so many requests for the 'erased' chapters I half considered posting them as a separate story. I was told there was talk of my story at a tbbt taping which felt slightly surreal, but my cold Scandinavian heart was positively burning at the thought of that. I now present to you chapter 8, revised. I realized that there was no 'right' way to do this: some will prefer the 'original' chapter, some will prefer this, but I can tell you all as much: I don't regret my decision to take off chapter 9 and 10. Those were written in haste and were not in line with my original vision of this story. I simply wrote them because I thought I had to "fix" chapter 8. Let's just forget that ever happened, okay? I was sad that my story was so horribly misinterpreted, but that will NOT keep me from continuing this story. The chapters that follow will be in line with my original vision, and I will write them however I damn please. Now off to the story and LONG LIVE THE SHAMY! **

**\- YlvaBorealis**

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California isn't exactly famous for its cold winters, but this afternoon was an unusually chilly one, and Amy Farrah Fowler shivered as she made her way down one of the streets of Pasadena. The tall, lanky man by her side wasn't faring better, as he only had an unlined windbreaker between him and the nippy air.

To any strangers passing by, they looked like a normal couple in their mid thirties. Sheldon had Amy's hand firmly clasped in his own, and Amy kept shooting him reassuring smiles. 'Young love', a passer-by might have sighed to themselves, perhaps longingly, perhaps thinking back to a time when summer was all about drunken kisses and skinny dipping and Ringo Starr and revolution. Some might have been jealous, wishing they had someone to protect them from the cold. Others thought "so _that's _how nerds reproduce".

None of them could have guessed the only reason Sheldon Cooper had such a tight grip on Amy Farrah Fowler's hand was that he was scared to death.

"Amy" he whined as they hurried down the street, "I really don't understand why you insist on dragging me out here today. Leonard and I had planned to stay inside and play giant Jenga".

"Sheldon, you are a 35-year old man who relies on his roommate to drive him to work every morning. It's time you learn how to drive" Amy sighed, wondering to herself whose great idea it had been to teach Sheldon how to drive a car. Oh wait, it was hers. Damnit. Well, at least Sheldon was treating her to a really good hand-holding session. Anyone who met them would assume they were a couple, and Sheldon's hand was big and soft, covering hers completely. She decided to savor this rare moment of normalcy.

"I know how to drive. I just choose not to" Sheldon mumbled, annoyed that he was forced out in this biting cold for the sake of facing certain death. Not to mention having to reschedule his Giant Jenga fun time.

Amy shook her head at her neurotic boyfriend, opting not to point out that the only time Sheldon had actually been behind the wheel, he had ended up in court. Of course, it had all been Penny's fault, but still. She gave his hand a little squeeze, and felt her heart skip a beat when he squeezed back.

As it was Saturday and most people were out shopping or at the movies or wherever people went to spend their hard-earned money, the parking lot was almost completely empty. Amy pulled out the car keys from her purse and pressed a button, and was rewarded with a "beep beep" from one of the vehicles.

"Ah, I love that sound. You know it's coming and it's still so satisfying" Sheldon giggled, forgetting for a second why he was there in the first place.

"See, you're excited already!" Amy exclaimed, and dangled the keys in front of him. "Here you go" she urged on, a wicked smile adorning her lips. Sheldon felt the blood drain from his face, and almost turned on his heel to run back to Amy's apartment. Closing his eyes for a few seconds to calculate the probability of Amy running after him to drag him back to the car, he gritted his teeth and balled his fists, feeling his knuckles go white. Slowly, he let out a deep sigh, and stretched his hand out to grab the keys from her. That woman.

Amy's grin knew no end as she opened the door to get in the passenger seat. Not even Sheldon's force ten death glare could wipe that smile off her face. The lanky physicist tore up the door to get in the driver's seat, slamming it shut behind him. "Careful Sheldon" Amy cried out, earning her another death glare from Sheldon, but he wisely kept his mouth shut when Amy shot him a glare of her own. Quietly, he adjusted the seat to accommodate his tall frame, having been forced to fold his legs to the side as he got in.

"Now, as you probably know, you need to adjust the mirrors and the neck cushion to suit your height" Amy instructed, pointing at varying flicks and switches as she spoke.

"What is the recommended angle for the side view mirrors?" Sheldon asked, demanding a specific number.

"Sheldon, there is no recommended angle, just make sure you can see the back of the car and the ticket machine behind it" Amy said, already knowing this would be one long afternoon.

"Amy, we are scientists, not hippies. Do you really expect me to drive in traffic without properly adjusted side view mirrors? You must have a death wish" Sheldon lectured, raising his eyebrows reproachfully at his girlfriend.

"I'm starting to think you're right" Amy muttered under her breath.

"Of course I'm right Amy, I really thought we were over this already" Sheldon said, the sarcasm going completely over his head. Amy rolled her eyes, deciding to ignore his condescending comment.

"Just adjust your mirrors already" she told him, rubbing her temple as she watched him obey her command, albeit reluctantly.

Finally, after a heated debate and one sharp reprimand from Amy, Sheldon finished adjusting the mirrors, and reached behind him to grab the seatbelt. Amy buckled up too, not taking any chances.

"Okay Sheldon, let's go through the basics. There are three pedals: the one to the far left is called the clutch, the one in the middle is the brake, and the one to the right is the accelerator. I know that you've already read the manual and that you're familiar with all the lights and the indicators so we'll skip that class today. The first thing I want you to do is to feel the gear shift. Grab it and wiggle it a little. Does it feel loose?"

Sheldon grabbed the gear shift and did as she instructed.

"Yes, it feels loose".

"Good, that means it's in neutral. Now, put the key in the ignition and start the car" Amy told him.

Sheldon put the key in the ignition and turned it, and all the lights on the dashboard lit up. The car hummed loudly, softly trembling beneath them. Sheldon was grateful for that: that way, Amy wouldn't notice how he was shaking.

"Great! Now, as long as the car is in neutral, there is no need to push down the clutch. As soon as the car is in gear and you're standing still, you need to push it down. You also need to push it down in order to shift gears. Since the ground isn't sloping here, there is no need to push down the brakes, but remember to do that before you pull down the handbrake if you're not standing on a flat surface" Amy continued, feeling herself go into teaching mode.

Sheldon nodded, silently admiring her as she was instructing him. She was brilliant, his girlfriend, absolutely brilliant. He always pretended that her defiance was infuriating, but in reality it excited him. Other people bent to his will and of course that was only right, given that he was the glue that held their social group together, but she constantly challenged him, refusing to let him get his way. There were times when she worshipped him and that did work in her favor, but those times when she took charge and fought his arguments off with logic were positively _thrilling. _

The first time he realized he liked it when she outsmarted him he was sure he'd contracted some sort of brain parasite. Surely there must be something wrong with him: he had spent his entire life carefully constructing a system and breaking in roommates and sending out charts of his personal hygienic routines to friends and co-workers. Then along came this woman and just _refused to do as she was told. _It should drive him insane. It _did _drive him insane. And yet he felt as if he couldn't get enough: sometimes he deliberately provoked her just for the pleasure of losing a debate against her. It had taken weeks of drawing charts and excluding various factors such as schizophrenia and tapeworm to figure out what his problem was, but he finally had the answer. He was surprised to find how comfortable he was with it: there had been a time when he thought himself above such things. He was in love, like a common Homo Sapiens, and he was okay with it. Fascinating.

Amy, unaware of his silent reverie, was busy explaining the mechanics of the gears. Sheldon shook his head, returning his attention back to her.

"Okay, let's try driving around the parking lot. Pull down the handbrake and push down the clutch all the way to the floor. Push down the brakes too in case you accidentally touch the accelerator. Grab the gear shift and put it in one" she said, her voice soft and slightly monotone. Sheldon followed her instructions, and then turned his head to await her next command.

"Now, this part might be a little tricky. Let up the clutch slowly while softly pushing down the accelerator. Adjust the speed with those two pedals only. If you brake in traffic, push down the clutch and the brakes simultaneously. Now, let it up, slowly, slowly" she coaxed, watching him as he carefully let up the clutch. All of a sudden, the car shook violently and all the lights went out, eliciting a high pitched shriek from Sheldon.

"Dear Lord, what happened?! Did I kill it?" he yelled, waving his hands in the air.

Amy laughed so hard she was crying. Her boyfriend was breathing heavily, clutching his t-shirt over his heart as if afraid it would burst out of his chest.

"I fail to see what's so funny" Sheldon deadpanned, staring disapprovingly at his girlfriend, who was still laughing. She opened the glove compartment to take out a box of Kleenex, dabbing her eyes with it as she slowly gathered her composure.

"Sheldon, the car isn't dead, it just stalled" she soothed him, reaching over to pat his hand.

"Well you could have just told me that" Sheldon muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

"Come on, stop pouting. You just pulled the clutch up too quickly. Put the gear back in neutral and start the car. We'll try again" Amy said, shooting him a reassuring smile.

It took several attempts and more than one effeminate shriek from Sheldon but finally, they were making their way around the parking lot. Sheldon almost fainted when Amy got out of the car to instruct him from the outside, but with her assistance he neatly parked the car, beaming with pride as she got back in to help him with the final steps.

She too was grinning as Sheldon pulled out the keys from the ignition and handed them over to her.

"You did great Sheldon! You'll be driving yourself to the model train store in no time" Amy praised, feeling good about herself for teaching him something he didn't know.

"I always knew I would excel at driving: I haven't spent 678 hours playing Grand Theft Auto for nothing" Sheldon proudly declared, feeling extraordinarily chipper. Imagine him, the first Homo Novus, driving. Watch out, streets of Pasadena.

Amy kept smiling, feeling a wave of warmth washing over her. Suddenly, the car went dark. She had lit the lights as they were parking, and they usually stayed on for a minute or so after the keys were out of the ignition, but now they went out and they both gasped, having been taken by surprise.

"I didn't realize it was so late already. We must have been here for hours" Amy reflected, staring out the window at the empty parking lot.

Sheldon looked at his wristwatch, whose numbers were glowing green. "It's almost 7.30" he said, wondering how the hours could have gone by so quickly without him noticing.

They remained seated, enjoying the comfortable silence between them, the only sound being that of Sheldon's wristwatch and their breathing.

"You know, I have never gone parking with a boy before" Amy softly let out, breaking the silence.

"What do you mean? You've parked the car plenty of times with me in it, and I am male. By definition, you have 'gone parking' with a boy lots of times before" Sheldon said confusedly.

"Sheldon, to 'go parking' is a euphemism for making out in the backseat of a car" Amy giggled, amused at how clueless he was.

"Oh" Sheldon said flatly, not entirely sure how to process that.

"When I went to school, all the pretty girls in my class went parking with boys. I was always hoping someone would ask me to go parking with them, but it never happened. Not even after prom" Amy continued, her tone emotionless but her voice trembling.

"I've never 'gone parking' either" Sheldon offered, hoping it was the right thing to say.

"I know" Amy let out softly.

Once again, the car was filled with silence. Sheldon pondered Amy's words, trying to decipher the meaning behind them. Had it hurt her when no boy wanted to take her out? Had she been longing for it, watching her classmates go off on dates while she was left behind? He was not terribly proficient at reading facial expressions, and the car was almost completely dark so he couldn't see her at all, but something within him told him that Amy had confessed something truly personal to him, that whatever this 'parking' thing was it had hurt her tremendously when no one had wanted to do it with her.

"Amy…" he began, feeling his hands tremble in his lap. "Do you… do you want to go parking with me?"

He could barely make out her features as she turned to him, cocking her head to the side, eyebrows up at her hairline.

"W-what?" she exhaled, feeling the blood rush to her cheeks and ears.

"You said you waited for someone to ask you. I'm asking you now. Do you want to?" Sheldon repeated, not believing he actually had the courage to ask her a second time.

"Do you even know what it is you're asking?" Amy whispered. 'Oh, be still my heart' she quietly begged.

"No" Sheldon admitted. "You'll have to tell me. Now, should we move to the backseat?" he asked, still awaiting her answer.

"…Okay" Amy husked, and they both made their way out of the car, none of them speaking as they climbed into the backseat. The windows were tinted, somewhat relaxing Sheldon. At least no one could see them. The only light was from a streetlamp further down the parking lot, and the silence was almost deafening. Both of them were still, not sure how to proceed. Sheldon had his back pressed into the left corner, and he could feel the cold window glass against his cheek. Amy was on the other side, watching him as her eyes slowly adjusted to the poor lighting.

Suddenly, Sheldon felt Amy move closer, her hips and thighs making contact with his.

"I think we're supposed to kiss now" she whispered, putting her hand on his arm.

Sheldon swallowed, feeling his stomach tighten so hard it was painful.

"Okay" he exhaled, bracing himself for the contact he knew would soon follow. He had kissed Amy many times, but he was always nervous the seconds before. He licked his lips, and then something, or someone, softly bumped into his nose. He felt eager lips search his own and he leaned in to the kiss, feeling her hot breath mix with his own. It was very soft, closed-mouth, and he found himself put her arms around her to draw her closer. This elicited a soft moan from Amy, and she pressed into him, until she was half-laying on top of him, his back pressed against the car door. He felt her breasts against his chest, and suddenly, that stomach ache turned into something completely different: something raw and greedy. He put his hand at the nape of her neck and tilted his head, opening his mouth to allow her access. There was something very youthful and inexperienced about their French-kissing, a delayed loss of innocence that finally came to these odd souls. There they were, like two teenagers, making out in the backseat of a car, and it was the sweetest thing.

Sheldon felt as if his hands had a life of their own. One was clutching Amy's shoulder, and the other was tentatively caressing her breast, as if he was afraid he would hurt her if he pressed harder. Amy groaned and pushed into him, and he felt a jolt of electricity shoot straight through him. Oh dear.

"Don't… don't push into me so hard" Sheldon gasped as they were kissing, trying to steer away from her. "I'm sorry" Amy panted, never taking her lips off his. The space was terribly cramped and she shifted position, trying to make him more comfortable, but her movements just sent another jolt through him. Oh dear indeed.

"Oooh!" he groaned involuntarily, causing Amy to break away from him, the sound of her heavy breathing echoing against the car windows. His breathing was equally ragged, and his hands were trembling violently. They were still close: he could feel the tip of her nose against his own, and her breath was warm against his swollen lips.

"I-I can't help it" Sheldon stammered, feeling a sudden need to explain.

"Neither can I" Amy replied, her voice slightly shaky. She remained close, careful not to push or make any sudden movements. Her breasts were still firmly pressed into his chest, causing his thoughts to jumble and that damn problem to remain…problematic.

Slowly, she shifted position, resting her head in the crook of his neck. He tentatively wrapped his arms around her, suddenly recalling an evening several years ago when they had cuddled on her couch. She had been sad that day too.

"There is a part of me that wants you to help me with my… ailment" Sheldon admitted. What 'part'? Every inch of his body ached for her to touch him, push him over the edge, grant him that release he had refused himself for such a long time. It was just his mind that wouldn't let him have it. He wanted to ask her to do it so badly, but he _couldn't. _Just admitting to her that he thought of it was enough to make him shiver.

Her hair was tickling his nose, the scent of her shampoo teasing him. He usually imagined her hair smelling of cherries but in reality it smelled of pink roses. Fascinating.

"There is a part of me that wants to help you" Amy replied, his heart beats ringing in her ears.

Oh dear. Oh, oh dear.

"There is also a part of me that wants _you _to help _me_" she added softly.

Sweet Jesus in Heaven, I don't believe in you but DEAR LORD.

He hadn't even considered that. He had been so busy trying to get over his fear of having someone else touch him he hadn't even started to think of what would happen if Amy wanted him to reciprocate. Of course she would want that, he should have known better. He tried to picture what that would be like but it almost caused his head to explode.

She felt him freeze against her, and there was a pang of regret at the pit of her stomach. Why did she have to say that? But it was as if she had lost control of her own voice.

"It's alright if you don't want to. I know I'm not as pretty as Bernadette or as well-shaped as Penny" she mumbled, feeling that familiar lump in her throat again. Her mind knew that Sheldon's issues with physical contact had more to do with himself than anything else. But a tiny corner of her heart couldn't help but think that maybe, just maybe, he just wasn't attracted to her.

Sheldon was confused. What had he said? He was truly convinced women had their own version of the English language – he had been completely _silent _and he had still managed to say something hurtful.

"Why would you say that? I fail to see what Penny or Bernadette have to do with this. I'm not in a relationship with them, I'm in a relationship with you."

Amy smiled, suddenly feeling much better. "Yes, you are" she agreed, immensely content at that thought.

Sheldon shook his head, and tightened his grip around her. Women.


	9. Chapter 9

**A/N: Since I love you guys, I've been working on this chapter the entire evening. I hope you will enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed writing it! This is another double update so before you read this you should read the revised version of chapter 8. Once again, thank you all for your love and support, I feel so lucky having such great readers. I am thoroughly satisfied with this chapter, and so happy with where this story is headed. Thank you for sharing this experience with me. - YlvaBorealis**

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Dr. Edelstein looked at the clock on the wall, realizing it was already 3 p.m. She sighed, putting away the reports she had been working on. She would have to finish them after work. Assembling her folders, she drew out one of the drawers beneath the large Edwardian desk and put them away with the others. He drawer was filled to the brim, reminding her of all the work she had to catch up with. Her father would never have postponed the paperwork for weeks like this. Every morning as she stepped into her office she was reminded of him: the heavy furniture, the dark wood, the leather, the smell of the books and this…this _monstrosity _of a desk… It was all his. She had meant to have it refurnished but she couldn't bring herself to it. He had been king and this had been his halls. She was heiress apparent to his throne simply because there was no one else to carry on his legacy.

She scurried across the room, adjusting the pins in her hair as she made her way to the door. She flung it open only to stand face to face with a dumfounded Sheldon Cooper, whose fist was raised as if knocking on an invisible door.

"Sheldon! Right on time as usual" Janet exhaled, coercing a smile.

"Uhhh" Sheldon replied confusedly, not sure what to do with his hand. He slowly let it down, waiting for the good doctor to invite him in. His skin immediately began crawling, but he tried his best to ignore it.

Dr. Edelstein watched him amusedly.

"Does it bother you that you didn't get to perform your ritual?" she asked, watching him as he twitched nervously.

"No, no…" Sheldon mumbled, still twitching. "It's not important… It's just a way for people to say 'hello, I'm here! You would be interested to know just how many different ways there are to announce your presence. For example, the Bandar Tribe in Lee Falk's famed comic book 'The Phantom' uses an intricate system of knocking and banging on drums to communicate with one another, and call for the Phantom's help. If I wanted to call for you it might sound something like this:"

_Knock, knock, knock! _"Dr. Edelstein!"

_Knock, knock, knock! _"Dr. Edelstein!"

_Knock, knock, knock!_ "Dr. Edelstein!"

Oh, that felt so much better.

Sheldon finished his knocking, trying to shoot off a laid back smile at the good doctor, and failing horribly.

"…That's very interesting Sheldon, but we really should have a talk about your compulsions" Dr. Edelstein replied, shaking her head as she stepped aside to let him in.

They took their respective seats, settling into a familiar rhythm. Just as when they had first met, they were accompanied by the smattering of raindrops against the windows.

"So, how are you feeling today Sheldon?" Dr. Edelstein asked as she finished filling out the mandatory form.

"Oh, here we go with the small talk again. Really doctor, I thought we had been over this already" Sheldon sighed.

"Yes, me and my hourly wage of 150 dollars. Got it. Is there anything you would like to discuss today?"

She watched him squirm in his seat as she finished her sentence. Having worked with him for nearly two months now, she had learned to pick up on his little cues and quirks. She knew there was something he wanted to talk about, but he was mentally wrestling with himself, she could tell.

"Amy and I got together this weekend… she was teaching me how to drive" Sheldon began, swallowing nervously. "She told me a story from her youth, possibly something from high school… she said that she had 'never gone parking with a boy before'. She said it was a euphemism for…for kissing in the backseat of a car" he finished weakly, trying to muster up the courage to tell her what was really troubling him. It was so awkward though: he knew that he shouldn't feel embarrassed about it but it was just so _degrading. _

"Did this story upset you somehow?" Dr. Edelstein inquired.

"No… well, yes. She said that she had been waiting for someone to ask her to go parking with her but no one ever did. She seemed… sad about it. At least I think so, I'm still working on this whole reading-facial-expressions thing… And I didn't want her to be sad so I asked her if she wanted to go parking with me" Sheldon replied, sighing internally at how juvenile this whole 'parking' deal must sound.

The good doctor kept a straight face though, scribbling in her notebook as was her habit.

"Where you aware of the implications of asking such a thing?" she asked, looking up as she was speaking.

"I wasn't exactly sure how to carry out the mission so to speak, but to be perfectly honest, neither was she. The fact of the matter is she had missed out on the experience, at least that's how she perceived it, and I offered to give it to her" Sheldon stated.

"I understand. What happened next?"

"Well, we… kissed… and there was possibly some… fondling" Sheldon nervously babbled. He shivered at the memory of it. He had touched her breasts, with his hands, by his own accord, and she had pressed into him, her hip brushing his… Oh dear.

"And was this something you enjoyed?"

Oh yes, he had enjoyed that indeed.

"I… yes, I would say I enjoyed it" he mumbled, feeling those pangs of shame hitting his stomach, right on cue. He closed his eyes, trying to will it away.

"Sheldon?" the brunette therapist asked, watching the lanky physicist zone out. He opened his eyes when he heard her calling his name.

"Did something happen? Tell me what's bothering you" she coaxed, shooting him one of those reassuring smiles he had come to expect and appreciate.

It wasn't the first time it had happened. It wasn't even the first time it had happened in Amy's presence. But he despised how it made him feel – out of control, juvenile, _simple. _Like he was nothing but a bag of raging hormones.

"I… I find it difficult to engage in these… sessions with Amy. I want to try to ease into this… intimacy business… and I enjoy kissing her… but along comes this _problem _and suddenly my thoughts just wander… elsewhere" Sheldon explained, feeling his cheeks glow bright red. There were times when he wished Dr. Edelstein had been a man. This would have been easier to discuss with a man.

"Problem?" Dr. Edelstein asked confusedly. "Am I right in assuming that you are talking about you getting an erection when you and Amy engage in these sessions?"

Sheldon shuddered. Did she really have to say it? God, when she said it like that it sounded so _clinical. _One thing he knew was that it was not how he felt when it happened. There was nothing clinical about it.

"I suppose that is one way of saying it" Sheldon mumbled, wishing she would stop staring at his flushed cheeks.

"Well, you just described it as a 'problem'. Could you elaborate? What is it that is so problematic about it?"

Really? She couldn't figure that one out for herself?

"Why of course it's a problem!" he spat out angrily. "I try to remain in control and that… thing just _fails _me! It doesn't matter how hard I try, it won't follow my commands" Sheldon ranted, working up steam. He had always had a working relationship with his body: it stayed on its side of the room and he stayed on his. There were let downs though: colds, stomach aches, sweating… Arousal. Jesus Christ.

"I think you are approaching the problem from the wrong angle here Sheldon" Dr. Edelstein told him, ignoring his outburst. "You view erections as signs of your body failing you, when in reality, they are signs that everything is working just as it should. All healthy adult males have erections, it's nothing to be ashamed of. I highly doubt Amy takes offense if you get sexually aroused when you kiss" she analyzed, watching him cringe each time she said the word 'erection'.

"I _know _that my genitals are fully functional, I just don't need them to prove they're working when Amy is around" Sheldon muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

"I do understand that it can be problematic Sheldon. I am not trying to diminish your experience of discomfort: as a man, you have no choice in the matter, your sexual arousal will be apparent. It's impossible to hide should you wish to. I am sorry to say that there isn't much I can do to help you, other than to try to ease your embarrassment. I honestly believe you have nothing to worry about" the good doctor informed him, her glance soft and comforting, as per usual. Sheldon was surprised to find he didn't even have to guess: he knew what her facial expression meant. These weeks had flown by quicker than he first realized.

"It's not just that. When it happens, I feel something… come over me. I want to….do things…with her. Before you and I began our sessions, these feelings weren't as… strong. But now that Amy and I are making progress, physically, I find myself… wanting things I have never even thought of before. I am… That is, I had never… I never knew." The rain accompanied him during his entire confession. Somehow, concentrating on the sound of the droplets helped him find the words to describe how he felt, what he wanted, what was happening to him.

"Well, you had no previous experience. It's only natural that exploring your sexuality opens you up to new feelings and thoughts" Janet softly declared.

"She wants me to touch her. I can't even imagine what that would be like. I don't know anything about women" Sheldon whispered, wishing the ground would just open up beneath him and swallow him whole.

Dr. Edelstein always tried to keep a distance between her and her clients, but she couldn't help but feel a slight stab in her heart when Sheldon told her of his conflicting feelings. Something that came so easily to others was astronomically difficult for him. She wanted so badly to help him get comfortable with himself and his body. How brave he was, to put himself through such misery for the sake of growing as a human being, and give himself and his girlfriend what they both deserved.

"We're all clueless in the beginning Sheldon. We learn about these things gradually" she told him, softening her demeanor.

"What if I ruin everything? What if I don't know how to do this and I ruin everything?" he cried out desperately, voicing that fear that gnawed at his heart.

"Why would you 'ruin it' Sheldon? What are you so afraid of? Does it have something to do with what we talked about last week?" Dr. Edelstein queried, returning to territory he'd prefer not to tread, even less than that of his secret longings for intimacy and rampant anatomy that exposed him, revealed him, failed him.

He didn't want to go there. But the images were so clear, as if it were a movie. He could feel the fibers of the oak table in his grandmother's kitchen beneath his fingers. There were his grandfather's fishing boots and coat to the left of the backdoor, there was the smell of roses coming in from the garden through the open windows, there were the green eyes of Meemaw's cat Jackie staring at him from her position on the chair next to him, and he could even taste the sweet tea as he took a large swig from the impossibly big glass in front of him. There was Meemaw's tea pitcher at the center of the table, and there was Meemaw herself, dancing to the music playing on Pop pop's old radio.

Sheldon was sitting on his knees, leaning over the table as he followed her movements through the kitchen. Her long, auburn braid fell down over her shoulder, and the sleeves of her flannel shirt were rolled up over her sleeves. She was slender, just like his mother, and her arms were long as she swayed them in time to the music. She kept flicking her head to keep a few greying strands of hair out of her eyes, causing Sheldon to laugh.

"What are you doing Meemaw?"

She turned to look at him, still dancing, a wicked smile adorning her lips.

"Well, ain't it obvious Moon Pie? I'm creatin' a thing here. It's gonna be big, I tell ya. You'll get to say you were there when the magic happened, ya know, when I'm famous" she twanged, humming along with the tune. It was a 60's song, 'Somebody to love' by Jefferson Airplane. Sheldon giggled, mimicking her each time she flicked her head, earning him an air-kiss which he returned.

"Meemaw, tell me about when you knew I was your Moon Pie?" Sheldon begged as his grandmother came to sit down by the table to catch her breath. He admired her features and her strong, slender hands as she opened the buttons on her shirt, revealing a white tank top. Her chest kept rising and falling as her breathing slowly returned to normal. His beautiful, wonderful Meemaw.

Meemaw smiled as she grabbed the pitcher to pour herself a glass of sweet tea.

"Oh I knew that as soon as your Mama took you home from the hospital. I took one look at you and I told your Pop pop I had never seen such tubby little cheeks in my life. You were the sweetest thing, I tell ya. So nummy-nummy I could have just… eaten you up. How could you not be my Moon Pie?" she declared, reaching over the table to lovingly pinch one of his cheeks.

"I'll say that sealed the deal" Sheldon agreed, and Meemaw barked out a laugh at his choice of words.

"You sounded just like your Daddy there" she chuckled when he raised his eyebrow in confusion.

He felt his stomach sink at that. He had tried not to think of his father ever since that incident at the bar. Daddy had told him not to worry, that it was okay but he couldn't tell anyone, and Sheldon was almost completely worn out from trying to keep it secret. The images kept haunting him at night, and what made it worse was that he wasn't sure just what he had seen. His father had avoided him ever since, which was even more disturbing.

"What's wrong baby?" Meemaw asked, sensing that what she had said had made him sad somehow.

For a brief second, Sheldon went through a mental crisis. Daddy had told him to keep it secret. But Meemaw had asked him out loud and he just didn't know if he could lie anymore.

"I'm not supposed to tell" he mumbled, feeling his ears turn red with shame.

Meemaw frowned. She wasn't sure she liked where this was heading.

She gently stretched her arm out across the table to grab his hand. He looked up into her blue eyes, virtually identical to his own, finding an entire universe of love and promises there.

"Listen to me Sheldon" she said. "There ain't no place on God's green Earth where you are not my Moon Pie. No matter what you have done, no matter what you choose to do in life, no matter who you love, and no matter who you are… Nothing can change that" she declared, and he felt hot tears trickle down his cheeks. He couldn't keep this in any longer.

"Daddy took me out driving… W-we went to a bar. I was supposed to wait outside but I needed to go and I couldn't hold it in because he was gone for so long, so long... And… And I saw him in the bathroom with his lady friend… Bobbie Jean. I don't know what…what they were doing. I think Daddy was hurting Bobbie Jean. Why would Daddy hurt her Meemaw?" he sobbed, desperately trying to make sense of what he had seen. His Daddy, his Daddy who tucked him in at night and checked the closet for monsters, his Daddy who taught him how to lift your hat to a lady, Daddy with his strong arms… Why would he hurt a woman? Did this mean he could hurt Mama too?

His grandmother felt her mouth go dry. She knew exactly what it was her grandson had seen. There was a part of her that just wanted to stomp out of her kitchen and show that man just how girls from Oklahoma took care of problems… But she had tears to dry and thoughts to collect. Right now she had a heart broken grandson to take care of.

Sheldon looked up, expecting to see his Meemaw, only to find Dr. Janet Edelstein.

"I have already 'ruined it' once" he confided. "I told my grandmother about my father and the blonde bartender. That was the beginning of the end of my parents' marriage".

Janet opened her mouth to reply but was interrupted by the sound of the alarm chirping, announcing the end of their session.

She looked at him, and he looked back, left for the first time with the feeling that one hour just wasn't enough.

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**A/N: Ah, I just couldn't help it, I needed to have Meemaw dance to that song! I based Meemaw partly on a slightly aged dr. Michaela Quinn (with Jane Seymour's looks sans the green eyes) with her braided hair and tough-as-nails attitude (come on, Meemaw DID kill a prairie dog with a gravyboat after all), partly on Sheldon's mother and sister who are both slender and beautiful so it made sense that Meemaw should be, and partly on my own Meemaw who was a skinny little thing with a passion for nature and rock n' roll =D**


	10. Chapter 10

**A/N: Here it is my little ducklings, the latest installment in the great tale of Sheldon's self-discovery. I know I'm sounding like a broken record here but I really, truly, deeply appreciate the positive reviews for last chapter, and it really touched me that you all responded so well to the chapter and my take on Meemaw and George Cooper. As you all know by now, I live in Sweden and it's 2.44 am here as I'm posting this, but I just can't help it. This story just needs to come out of me, and I just need to share it with you. I hope you enjoy and as always - long live the Shamy!**

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"Sheldon, I know that your brain is busy solving the mysteries of the universe, but I'm pretty sure your arms are not. Do you think they could get themselves over here and, oh, I don't know… _try _to do some lifting?" Leonard Hofstadter groaned as he half-carried, half-dragged a large cardboard container into their joint living room. He leered at Sheldon, who was sitting in his spot sorting through the content of another moving box, handing over items to Amy who, in honor of the day, had been trusted with Sheldon's label maker. Penny had proclaimed herself supervisor of the project, shouting out various commands such as "hell no!" and "there is no way I'm letting that thing into my apartment" in between taking swigs of her bottle of beer.

"Oh, you are just impossible to please" Sheldon sighed despondently, shooting a disappointed look at his bespectacled roommate. "I try to be supportive of your upcoming relocation by allowing you to clear your things out of our collective closet, and all you do is complain about it" he lectured, motioning with his hand at the cardboard containers to emphasize his point. "I haven't even pointed out the complete absurdity of the fact that you started by taking out the boxes at the _back _of the closet!" he added, raising his voice as he felt himself grow more and more agitated.

"Sheldon, most of these boxes are _yours_!" Leonard exclaimed as he put the box he was carrying down to wipe the sweat off of his forehead.

"Well, if I'm compromising by doing something for _you_, exempli gratia agreeing to not run away for 45 days every time you express the desire to leave me and move in with Penny, I feel it's only fair that you assist me in clearing out the closet to make room for my comic book collection" Sheldon argued, and then turned to Amy to reprimand her for putting his Batman figures into a plastic box labeled "Toys". Amy muttered something unintelligible under her breath and then began the painstaking process of labeling each figure individually.

"Can't you keep your comic books in my old room?" Leonard asked confusedly, putting his hands on his hips.

"I can't. That room will be occupied" Sheldon informed him, which elicited a gasp from Amy and very nearly caused Penny to choke on her beer.

Leonard raised his eyebrows, the corners of his mouth curling upwards in a knowing grin.

"Oh, I see. So Amy's finally moving in huh?"

Sheldon frowned.

"No, that's where I'm building my Star Wars-themed Legoland" he replied, to which Penny rolled her eyes and Amy gulped down a lump of disappointment, busying herself with the Batman figures so the others wouldn't notice the sad look grazing her features.

"Of course it is" Leonard muttered, and bent over to pick up the box, putting it down in front of the coffee table as he had been previously instructed. Panting heavily, he took out a light blue inhaler from his back pocket, shaking it before pulling in a lungful of Salbutamol.

"What do you keep in there anyways? Bricks?" he croaked and pointed to the box with his foot, feeling the swelling in his airways slowly mitigating.

"I don't know. I've never opened that box" Sheldon answered truthfully.

"Wait, it's your box, how can you not know what's in it?" Amy frowned, putting down the label maker as she turned to look at her boyfriend.

"Yeah, I thought you had that super-memory thingy so you can't forget things?" Penny said, earning her a condescending sigh from Sheldon.

"For the hundredth time Penny, I have an _eidetic _memory, not a 'super-memory thingy', and it doesn't mean I can't forget things. Of course, I never do, but that's beside the point. The reason why I don't know what's in the box is that I wasn't there at the time of its assemblage" he enlightened his blonde friend, shaking his head as if wondering why he was even bothering.

"Oh…" Penny said flatly, finding herself unable to come up with a good comeback. "Well… if you don't know what's in it, how come you've never opened it? That doesn't sound like you at all."

Sheldon opened his mouth to tell her to mind her own business, only to close it as he realized her question was legitimate. Why hadn't he opened it? It wasn't the _complete _truth that he didn't know what was in it: his mother had informed him when she handed it over to him all those years ago. He had accepted the box, promising his mother to take good care of it, only to banish it to the back of his closet, never to open it. Of course he had thought of it: there were times when curiosity almost got the better of him, but it was always defeated by fear. Fear of what kind of ghosts he would summon should he dare open it, fear of finding out its exact content and its implications, fear of disappointment…

He shuddered, trying to will the anxiety away, but it was so hard. There it was, beckoning him like Pandora's Box, threatening to release all kinds of pain and misery.

'But within Pandora's box was also Hope" a voice whispered in the back of his head, and suddenly he heard himself open up to his friends, unable to control the flow of words from his mouth, as if he was a bystander at the back of the room.

"My mother left it to me after my father passed away. She told me he had left her specific instructions as to what to put in it before he was rolled into the operating room after having suffered a heart attack. He died later that day during surgery… My mother gave it to me after the funeral, and I took it with me back to California… And I… Never opened it" he confessed, feeling completely drained of energy. He found himself swimming in that sea of emotions again, the one that constantly threatened to pull him down beneath the surface. Suddenly, something grazed his fingers, stroking the back of his hand soothingly.

Amy.

He turned to look at her, searching for warmth and comfort, and finding it in those forest green eyes of hers.

"Why don't we open it together?" she suggested softly, gently squeezing his hand.

"Yeah buddy, we'll open it together" Leonard agreed, shooting off an encouraging smile. He turned to Penny, who nodded in agreement. "We'll open it with you sweetie" she said, standing up to put her arm around Leonard's shoulder.

"…Alright. I guess I can't postpone this any longer" Sheldon let out, getting up from his spot and walking up to the large cardboard box, his friends joining him around it. They got down on their knees, all of them slightly nervous. Penny, Amy, and Leonard because they had no idea how Sheldon would react once he opened the box, and Sheldon because of reasons he wasn't ready to deal with yet.

Slowly, he pulled off the tape off the lid, his heart thumping loudly in his chest. Thinking it was better to just get it over with, he tore it open, leaning over to peek into it, as did his friends. His eyes caught sight of something that looked like blue fabric, and some type of brown leather. Curiously, he reached down and grabbed the leathery item, instantly recognizing it as he held it out in front of him. Gently folding it and putting it down on the floor next to him, he reached down to pick up the rest of the garments. A blue denim shirt. A baseball cap. Two pair of jeans, and a belt with a large silvery buckle.

"Clothes? Your father left you clothes?" Penny asked disbelievingly, earning her an elbow in the side from Amy.

"They were his clothes. He used to wear that leather jacket every winter…" Sheldon replied absent-mindedly, his eyes glazed over.

"There are other things in there Sheldon" Amy said, pulling out a small wooden box, knowing Sheldon wouldn't mind. She held it out to him and he accepted it, nearly dropping it once he saw what was hidden inside.

"They're… they're letters from my mother. Love letters. I don't believe this…" he whispered, unable to make sense of what was happening to him. He didn't know how to process this information: whatever he had imagined was in that box, he would never have guessed his father would leave him love letters from his mother. That went against everything he knew about George Cooper Sr.

"Hey, what's that wooden thing at the bottom?" Penny asked, peeking into the box, ignoring the force ten death glare from Sheldon.

"That explains the weight" Leonard realized, reaching back to massage his shoulder. He would be sore in the morning for sure.

"I haven't the slightest" Sheldon confessed. "Amy, would you assist me? It's quite heavy" he asked his girlfriend, who helped supporting the weight of the wooden item as he picked it up from the bottom of the box. There were 5 pieces altogether, along with a small plastic can filled with wooden plugs, metal screws, plates, and screw nuts.

"Is that what I think it is?" Penny asked, having been raised on a farm and having some basic knowledge of carpentry.

"It's a cradle. When my mother told him she was pregnant with my older brother, he spent three days in the shed making one, giving it to her as a gift. He made one especially for Missy when she and I were born… I slept in George's cradle. He must… He must have made this for me, for my… I mean… He must have made it but never assembled the pieces…" Sheldon told her, feeling lightheaded.

There was an awkward silence. Leonard kept waiting for Sheldon to snap and start yelling, Penny wanted to 'ooh' and 'aww' at the sweetness of it all but wisely kept her mouth shut, and Amy was scared to death that what she wanted to say would scare Sheldon away forever. She kept quiet, allowing it all to sink in. She turned to look at Sheldon, who was quietly stroking the leather jacket next to him, and like so many times before, she wished she knew what was going on in that beautiful mind of his.

Penny looked around, feeling the need to ease the mood.

"Well Tex, that looks like quite the outfit. Why dontch'a try it on? Model for us?" She twanged, cocking her head to the side flirtatiously.

"Don't be silly Penny, there is no way these are my size. My father was much bigger than I" Sheldon scoffed, forgetting about the cradle and the letters for a second. Women and their hippy-dippy notions. 'Model' for them? He had never 'modeled' in his life. Well, not counting the times Missy made him wear her dresses and shoes, forcing him to put on pretend Runway shows with her. But that was a secret he'd take to his grave.

"Come on Sheldon, I modeled for you that time when Penny and Bernadette and I were going out for drinks!" Amy reminded him, she too desperate to ease the tension.

"That's true Sheldon, they did model for us" Leonard smirked, joining in with the girls.

Sheldon raised his eyebrow.

"Et tu, Leonard? I am willing to forgive the women, the poor things can't really help it after all, but you? I expected more from you" he sighed disappointingly.

"What can I say? I guess there really must have been something in the soy milk" Leonard shrugged, still grinning.

"Alright, alright…" Sheldon succumbed, picking up the garments and carried them with him to his bedroom. He softly shut the door behind him, and put the clothes on the bed before he proceeded with taking off his t-shirts and pants. He picked up one of the pairs of jeans, holding them out in front of him. 'This is silly' he thought as he stepped into them, pulling up the zipper and buttoning them at the top. He went on with the shirt and the belt, and finished off by slipping into the leather jacket. Finally, he grabbed the baseball cap and put it on, slightly surprised that he didn't have to adjust it. Sighing heavily, he opened the closet door to look himself in the mirror, suppressing a shriek at the sight that met him.

There was his father, staring back at him. 'I'm going insane' Sheldon thought, beginning to hyperventilate. He angrily reached out his hand to wipe at the glass, thinking it would somehow make the ghost disappear, only to realize that whoever was in that mirror was mimicking his movements. Oh. Oh dear. How did he not realize…?

'It's my reflection' Sheldon thought, suddenly ashamed that he had let himself believe that the image had been that of his father.

He had been 14 at the time of his death. Scrawny, still awaiting his growth spurt, with slender shoulders and narrow hips. His father had been middle-aged, his figure reminiscent of all the heart-combusting meals his mother would cook for him despite the fact that they no longer shared a bedroom, and Sheldon had always thought of them as virtually different.

And here he was, 35 years old, and his father's clothes fit perfectly. Had it really been that long?

He had no idea how long he had been standing there when he suddenly heard someone softly knocking on the door.

"Sheldon? Is everything okay?" he heard Amy call from the other side.

No. No he was definitely not okay.

"I… I don't know" he stammered, unable to tear himself away from his reflection. "I think… I think I may be having a panic attack".

"Can I come in?" she asked, reminding him of that night when they had re-enacted Prom. That night when he'd told her he loved her.

"…Okay" he said, and heard the door softly swing open, hearing her softly close it behind her.

"Sheldon?" she asked again and he turned around, the blood drained from his face.

"I saw him" he said, his voice shaking.

"Saw who?" Amy queried as she walked up to him, stopping at arm's length. She quietly eyed him, a curious expression grazing her dark features. He looked so different.

"My father" Sheldon whispered. "Or….or at least I thought it was. I looked in the mirror and there he was, staring at me… And then… then I realized… It was me. I look just like him. I can't… I can't believe I never saw it before."

Amy didn't say anything. Slowly she reached out, grabbing the baseball cap and taking it off. She let it hang by her side as she kept looking at him, a soft smile grazing her lips.

"There's my Sheldon" she mumbled, reaching out again to comb his hair with her fingers.

Oh, Amy. His wonderful, beautiful, breathtaking Amy. How was it that she always knew what to do?

He stretched out his hands and grabbed her by the hips, swiftly pulling her to him, and pressed his lips against hers in a searing kiss. 'Heal me' he quietly begged. 'Hold on to me and never let go'.

They were both breathing heavily when they broke away from each other. Sheldon still kept his hands on Amy's hips, keeping her close to him.

"Were you sad… when I said that you weren't moving in?" he asked, leaning his forehead against hers.

"A little" Amy said, her arms clutching his shoulders.

"It doesn't mean I don't want you to" he whispered.

"I know" she whispered back, turning to rest her head on his shoulder.

He put his arms around her, feeling her body press into his, knowing that she could sense that problem of his and finding that for the first time in his life… he was okay with it.


	11. Chapter 11

**A/N: You guys need to stop being so fricken' sweet, it's interfering with my sleep :-D When you leave such wonderful reviews, I just have to write you another chapter. This part of the story could be considered climactic: lots of realizations and facing the music and blah blah, and it's also a little angstier than the other chapters. I think this might be when the 'drama' part of my fic morph into the 'romance' part. We'll see! Either way, I hope you enjoy this! It was much more difficult to write than any of the other chapters, I have to admit that... Ah, I should stop babbling. Let me hear it now: Shamy, Shamy Shamy! :-D**

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He wasn't sure when it had happened, but somewhere along the line, Sheldon Cooper had stopped thinking of Janet Edelstein as a stranger.

As he sat down in his spot on the leather couch, he drank in the familiar sight of her: her large, brown eyes, the curly dark hair that was pulled back in an austere bun, her charcoal pant suit, the clipboard, the golden Star of David that hung just below her clavicle… All things he had come to rely on. He found himself thinking that if things had been different, he and Dr. Edelstein could have been friends.

Unbeknownst to him, Janet Edelstein had found herself thinking the exact same thing the other day. There was a part of her that desperately longed for someone to talk to, someone she could identify with, and so many things about Sheldon Cooper hit close to home, despite him being fifteen years her junior. She was on dangerous ground nurturing these thoughts, she knew that. She could never allow herself to befriend a client: she would lose her job, her reputation, her everything… and she would prove her father right. No, she would simply have to shove these thoughts deep into the darkest corner of her mind, and focus on helping him instead. If she truly wanted to be his friend, that was the best thing she could do for him.

Crossing her legs, she settled into professional mode, browsing through her notes to see where they last left off.

"Is it alright if I decide what we should talk about today?" she asked, looking up from her notes.

"I don't see why not" Sheldon shrugged, not in the mood to argue. Last night had been emotionally draining, and he had stayed up for hours after Amy and the others had left, unable to make sense of the content in the cardboard box. He had read the letters over and over, until he finally fell asleep on the couch at 3 in the morning, still wearing his father's clothes.

"I was thinking we could discuss the matter of your father's infidelity" Dr. Edelstein continued, quietly studying the bags underneath Sheldon's eyes, wondering if perhaps he'd had trouble sleeping lately.

"There isn't much to discuss" Sheldon said. "Besides, it has nothing to do with me. I was not the one cheating on my mother."

"Oh, but I think it does have something to do with you Sheldon. Last time, you said that you 'ruined' your parents' marriage by telling your grandmother about your father's extra-marital affairs. How old were you when you caught him with his lover?"

"Six. I was six years old" Sheldon mumbled, once again finding himself overwhelmed with the images of his father and the blonde barkeep. He felt his stomach turn at the memory of their rapid movements, and Bobbie Jean's whimpers and moans. He swallowed hard, fearing his lunch would end up on Dr. Edelstein's expensive carpet.

"You must have been terribly confused" the brunette therapist softly remarked.

Sheldon nodded. Things had never been particularly good, but from that day on it was nothing short of Hell. After Sheldon broke down and told Meemaw about what Daddy and Bobbie Jean had been doing, Meemaw had taken him home to his mother. After drying his tears and tucking him into bed, she sat her daughter down by the kitchen table and told her everything. Mary had cried and Meemaw had cradled her in her arms, rocking her as if she were a baby, softly singing to her until she fell asleep against her mother's shoulder.

"My father asked me to keep it secret but I couldn't. I knew that they were fighting because of me… If I hadn't told Meemaw, my mother wouldn't have had her nervous breakdown" Sheldon whispered, the pangs of shame hitting him full force. There had been no end to the yelling and the accusations and the bottles of K-Mart bourbon… Everything had fallen apart.

"As you said yourself: you were not the one cheating on your mother. You were a child. Your father shouldn't have taken you to that bar in the first place, let alone asked you to keep the whole thing secret" Dr. Edelstein firmly told him.

"I know."

"It wasn't your fault Sheldon. Your mother would have found out sooner or later".

"There is an argument for that. Seeing as my father was particularly fond of the drink, logic dictates he would have, as it's colloquially known, 'slipped up' sooner or later during one of his drunken rants. But there was also the chance that no one would ever have found out" Sheldon mused, not yet willing to let it go.

"That's true. But fact remains that you were not to blame. You were let down by the adult world, forced to see something no child should have to see. It's understandable that something like that should leave a mark on you".

Sheldon didn't reply immediately. Logically, he knew Dr. Edelstein was right. Emotionally… he was conflicted. These therapy sessions had forced him to deal with memories and emotions that he had suppressed for almost three decades. He wasn't sure what would come out of this. What if he couldn't be fixed? What if there just wasn't a cure for what ailed him?

"When I saw it, I didn't know what to make of it".

"I'm sorry?" the good doctor inquired, raising one of those perfectly plucked eyebrows.

"Seeing them together. That was the first time I saw something like that. I didn't even know what it was, I thought my father was trying to harm that… that woman. Somehow… it doesn't seem fair" Sheldon admitted, feeling nauseous once again. Uttering those words out loud was deeply disturbing, and he felt his skin crawl. Oh, why couldn't the images just go away?

"Do you feel this may have put you off as you grew older?" Janet asked, sensing a breakthrough. This may be it. This may be the key.

"I…I don't know….I think…Yes. I think maybe I may have been more… sensitive than most children" Sheldon said, feeling the realization dawn on him. He had not been like the others: fiercely intelligent, head filled to the brim with numbers and equations, his thoughts constantly swirling as he tried to make sense of all the impressions and the flow of information that he was unable to control. He had needed for his family to go slow on him, to offer him peace and quiet, but the constant fighting and yelling had made that impossible.

"I don't think the act itself was what put you off Sheldon. Catching your parents in the throes of passion alone isn't harmful, just confusing and possibly embarrassing. But the betrayal could have been enough to leave you vulnerable, scared of your own sexuality. In essence, allowing yourself to give in to your urges and lose control would mean that you were no better than your father."

"My father was not a bad man!" Sheldon protested.

"I didn't say he was Sheldon. You don't need to be a bad person to make mistakes."

Sheldon was quiet, remembering how he had stared at his reflection thinking it was his father's. He missed him terribly, and the content of the box had made him question if he had ever really known George Cooper in the first place.

"Last night, I opened a box that was left to me at the time of my father's death" Sheldon began, knowing that somehow, this was important. "I had kept it at the back of the closet, refusing to open it. And when I finally did… I mean… What was in there... I couldn't believe my own eyes. He left me a box filled with love letters from my mother, and… and a cradle he had built himself" he stammered, feeling the emotions from last night well up in his chest.

"A cradle?" Dr. Edelstein repeated.

"Yes… my brother and sister each had their own but I didn't. He must have made it for me to… You know… for my future children. Why would he do that? He knew I was… That I wasn't like others. Why make me a cradle if he didn't have any hope of me ever having any children?" Sheldon whispered, still unable to process what he had seen last night.

He hadn't been able to put the love letters down. He hardly recognized the people in them as his parents. They had been so young, so innocent. He had never heard his mother express such passion. He had to admit to himself that he had always assumed romantic passion was nothing but girly nonsense, but what he had read in those letters was so much more than that.

"Your father made poor decisions Sheldon. That doesn't mean he didn't love you. Maybe he meant to show you that he didn't think of you as any different from your brother and sister", Janet offered, her voice soft and mellow.

Could that be true? He thought of all the times his father had tried to bond with him, taking him out fishing and camping. He had always had the feeling that his father was disappointed with him for being different. He never took any interest in the things Sheldon liked, never listened when Sheldon begged him to let him do his homework instead of watching football or shooting cans in the backyard.

But there were also the times when his father had bragged about his son who went to college at the age of 11. Times when he had helped him wash his hair at bath time when he was very small, tenderly telling him to close his eyes as he rinsed out the shampoo. He had taught him how to shave when the first strands of hair started growing on his chin, showing him how to cut with the hair instead of against it. When his mother had returned with him from the doctor's office, sad and frustrated because they couldn't tell her why her son was so different, he had softly stroked Sheldon's cheek, telling him he knew it was just a matter of taking your time with him.

"'You have to take your time with Sheldon, he used to say. Maybe he meant that in time, I could have what others have" Sheldon mused.

"Most of us grow up thinking we know our parents, when in reality, we know just as little about them as they know about us. You saw something your father didn't intend for you to see, and you've spent your life blaming yourself for the negative consequences of his actions. It is possible that he blamed himself for hurting you, and that he tried to redeem himself by leaving you that box" the therapist analyzed, hoping that he would finally be able to start making sense of his conflicted relationship with his father.

Sheldon was quiet, contemplating her words. He had spent his entire life thinking he was nothing like his father, desperately fighting to remain in control. His father had lost it and it had torn their family apart. Seeing his reflection in the mirror had very nearly scared him to death. It was so unfair that he'd spent so much time avoiding becoming his father, only to end up looking just like him. But Amy had seen through it. She knew that he was there, underneath that cap. She had known just what to do and he had been filled with such love, such desperate need. It was becoming more and more difficult not to give himself to her, to allow himself the pleasure of slowly discovering each other's bodies, and give her what she had been craving for so long. What he too had been craving. But he had been so afraid of the implications, of what it might mean. He was beginning to realize that it didn't mean he would become someone else. Amy had seen he was still Sheldon.

And his father had not been a bad man.

"Do you remember when you told me that… that I should do exercises by…by myself at home?" Sheldon began, his voice slightly trembling.

"I do" Dr. Edelstein nodded.

"You said… you said that Amy could help mastu… That she could help me…. Self-gratify" he continued, not quite believing what he was about to say.

"If you're both willing" the good doctor softly said.

"I think… I think I might be ready for that now."


	12. Chapter 12

**A/N: I trust it you have all had a good weekend? I haven't, ducklings, I really haven't... My finals are killing me! But they haven't killed my inspiration yet, so here it is: chapter 12! I am pleased to inform you that I have finished writing the final chapter in this tale of self-discovery, and thus there is an end to it... But don't worry, there are still lots of chapters left before we get to that! Also, I haven't written the chapters in between (writing the ending is part of my writing process as it helps me finish my stories) so right now I have lots of fun ideas to play around with =) I hope you enjoy this, and as always: Power to the Shamy! *woot woot* - Love you guys! **

**-YlvaB**

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If coitus was anything like in the book Leonard and Penny had given him, Sheldon Cooper would remain a virgin forever.

"Nope!" he exclaimed to himself, slamming the book shut, tossing it onto the coffee table. It was not going to happen. Not on his life. Not in this universe or in any of the infinite number of universes in existence.

Oh well, he had given it his best shot, he had to give himself that. As soon as he arrived home from his latest therapy session, he had dug out the book from underneath his bed, thinking that maybe he would look at it differently now that he had deemed himself ready to explore this new-found side of himself. He had been wrong. The book was just as nightmare-inducing as the last time he'd browsed through it.

Sheldon groaned internally, burying his head in his hands where he was sitting in his spot. This was impossible! His attempts to research the matter had failed miserably: the book focused mainly on reproduction and childbirth, the graphic pictures being enough for him to start dry-heaving, and didn't offer much advice in terms on how to… broach the subject to a potential partner.

He knew better than to Google it. A few years ago when he had been feeling adventurous during one of his… private sessions… he had searched for videos, thinking it might enhance the experience, only to end up screaming hysterically and very nearly getting caught by Leonard who stormed into his room light saber first. Boy had he had a hard time trying to explain himself out of that one.

Of course, there was the most obvious option of just asking Leonard or Penny for help but that was not going to happen for so many reasons. One, the prospect of asking Leonard about something like that while simultaneously having to come up with a plausible lie as to why he had suddenly decided he wanted to engage in that sort of activity was positively _exhausting_, and two – Penny was the biggest blabbermouth this side of the Mississippi and would tell Amy before he could say 'knock, knock, knock, Penny!' thrice.

No, the only viable option was to just admit defeat and pray to the deity he didn't believe in that Amy would miraculously forget that he'd told her part of him could imagine her…_ assisting _him. He made a rough calculation in his head on the odds of _that _ever happening, finding that they were 876523203⁶ to one.

"Drat" Sheldon cursed, feeling miserable. He didn't know what he had been thinking when he told her that. Sure, there was always the possibility of her never bringing that up ever again but _those _odds were nothing short of astronomical. He didn't even have enough whiteboards at home to fit that equation.

He was just about to pull an afghan over his head to wallow in self-pity when someone knocked on the door. 'Oh dear, the book' he thought, looking around for somewhere to hide it.

"Uhh, just a second" he called out, running up to the kitchen and tearing out one of the drawers, tossing it in and slamming it shut. He casually walked across the room to open the door, trying to look unconcerned, only to find himself face to face with Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Hi" Amy greeted, balancing a large cardboard box on her hip.

"Amy" Sheldon nodded, thinking it was odd that she had shown up at that very moment. Speak of the devil…

"Can I come in?" she asked, curiously eyeing her boyfriend who looked oddly flushed.

"Well, technically you are not scheduled to visit tonight but I don't see why not… Do come in, please" Sheldon invited her, stepping aside to let her in. Amy shot him a smile, and made a beeline for her usual spot on the couch, putting down the box on the coffee table.

"May I ask what brings you here? You know that Hamburger night at the Cheesecake Factory is currently on hiatus" Sheldon inquired as he shut the door behind him and crossed the distance between the door and the couch to take a seat next to her.

Amy smiled smugly, patting the cardboard box.

"I brought something for you" she said, looking oddly pleased with herself.

Sheldon cocked his head to the side suspiciously, sensing that he was soon to be forced to engage in some sort of sentimental girly nonsense, and he just knew he was going to hate every second of it.

"You 'brought something' for me? Forgive me Amy but you will have to be more specific" he told her, bracing himself for what was soon to come.

Amy's smile dropped ever so slightly, but one simply couldn't spend four years in a relationship with Sheldon Cooper without learning a thing or two about him. She ignored his lack of enthusiasm, pushing the box closer to him, urging him to open it.

"Come on Sheldon, if I told you it wouldn't be a surprise. Just open it!" she insisted, her eyes glimmering behind her dark rimmed glasses.

"Fine…" Sheldon sighed, grabbing the box to pull it onto his lap. "It's heavy" he remarked, hearing something rattle against the cardboard. What in fresh hell had she brought over?

Tearing the box open, he leaned over to peek into it, gasping at the sight that met him.

"Lego!" he exclaimed happily, turning to Amy who had a beaming smile across her face.

"Do you like it?" she grinned, feeling her heart swell at the sight of her giddy boyfriend.

"Boy do I like it!" Sheldon gasped, putting his hands down the box to scoop up a handful of grey Lego bricks. "Can we put it together right now? What's it supposed to be?" he asked enthusiastically, diving into the box once again to dig for the instructions.

Amy bit her lip coyly, reaching into her purse to pull out a handful of square paper slips, handing it over to a confused Sheldon who accepted them, twisting and turning them in his hands.

"But… they're cut up in sections" he stammered, his bottom lip trembling slightly.

"I don't want you to know what it is just yet. Let's assemble it in sections first – you will figure out what it is after a while" Amy let out smugly, enjoying this little game she was playing.

"Oh no little lady, that is _not _how we do it. Hand over the instructions now!" Sheldon demanded, his face scrunched and his lips pursed.

"…Nope" Amy smirked, determined not to let him have his way.

Sheldon glared at her, trying to work out just what she was up to, but she simply kept smiling, looking at him expectantly.

"Fine!" he gave in, tearing himself away from her. Well, she did bring Lego after all. The least he could do was to assemble the model.

"Come on, let's just get this over with" he muttered, motioning for her to follow him as he sat down on the rug in front of the coffee table.

Sheldon wanted to begin by dividing all the pieces into sections which took a good twenty minutes, and then insisted on making sub-sections based on color which almost caused Amy to storm out of the apartment. "They're all GREY Sheldon, just put the damn thing together!" she shouted, effectively putting an end to his manic orchestration.

Once they got to work, the atmosphere was pleasant, both of them busy tinkering with the different bricks and plates, occasionally asking the other for a missing piece or a new section of the cut up instructions.

Sheldon regarded his girlfriend out of the corner of his eye, watching her carefully match pieces together, checking the instructions every now and then to make sure she got it right. He found himself wondering what could have possessed her to bring him a box of Legos: she had made it very clear on several occasions that she found most of his interests childish and boring. And yet here she was, with him, as if she'd been doing this all her life. Fascinating.

"Are you bored?" he asked, remembering that Amy had told him it was polite to ask a person of their well-being.

"No" she replied, not looking up from her set of Legos. "It's actually quite relaxing. I've always enjoyed working with my hands."

Sheldon swallowed, trying to push away the disturbing thoughts that eased their way into his head at the sound of that. Dear lord.

He cleared his throat, trying to concentrate on his bricks. There was something very familiar about the structure that was slowly forming in front of him, something about the shape of the bricks that hit home.

They hadn't called him a progeny for nothing. Closing his eyes for a second to get himself in the zone, that magnificent brain of his performed one of its neatest tricks: memorizing each of the over 3000 bricks, mentally lifting them up until they were hovering in front of his eyes. The bricks were twirling as if performing a ballet, each seeking a companion to join with. Suddenly it was there, clear as a picture, and he felt his breath get stuck in his chest.

"It's the Millennium Falcon!" he exhaled, his blue eyes beaming.

"I knew you would figure it out" Amy said lovingly, her eyes soft as she admired the lanky physicist and that wonderful mind of his. How she enjoyed seeing it at work, even when he was just playing with children's toys.

"Oh thank you so much Amy, thank you!" Sheldon exclaimed, unable to contain his _excitement._

"I thought you could use one. You know, for your Star Wars Trek-themed Legoland" Amy told him, nudging her head in the direction of Leonard's room.

What? But didn't she want to…wasn't she…what?

"Legoland?" Sheldon asked, putting down his bricks and turning his attention to her. "But I thought… I thought you were sad about that… You said so yourself." Damn his social ineptitude! He though he had finally started figuring it out and now she told him he had misunderstood her telling him _out loud _that she was sad. Oh well… back to the drawing board.

Amy shot him a comforting smile, sensing what was troubling him.

"Like you said: just because you told Leonard and Penny I wasn't moving in, it doesn't mean you don't want me to. Just because I told you I was sad because you said you were building your…plaything instead of letting me move in with you, it doesn't mean I don't want you to. If it's what you need, I want you to do it. We can discuss living arrangements when you're ready" she replied, her voice soft and low.

Sheldon looked at her, feeling all of the thoughts from before she arrived wash over him. His breathing became ragged, and the hair at the nape of his neck was standing up. He licked his lips, finding himself at a loss of words. Every time he was close to sinking beneath the surface, she was there to hold him up, cradling him in her arms as she swam to shore. Maybe there was no need for him to tread water… not when he had her.

Suddenly, he realized there was one option he hadn't considered when he had done his research. It should have been obvious but he hadn't been able to come up with anything to say that wouldn't make him sound like a complete fool.

But maybe all he needed to do was… ask.

"Amy… there's been something I've been meaning…. T-to ask you" he began, fiddling nervously with his hands. Alright, so maybe it was a little more to it than just asking.

"…Yes?" she asked, quirking her eyebrow, a curious expression on her face.

Oh boy. Here goes.

"Do you remember when…when I told you that there is a part of me that wants you to… aid me… you know, when…?" he stuttered, sensing he wasn't exactly swift, nor suave.

Amy let out a soft gasp, nodding in response.

"Well, I'd… I'd like to… try that. Some time. In the nearby future" he finally let out, feeling a huge weight lift off his shoulders.

"…Really?" Amy whispered, not quite believing what she was hearing.

Sheldon nodded, once again licking his lips, his mouth having gone strangely dry.

"I want you to touch me Amy. I can't stop thinking about it. I thought I could get if off my mind but I just... I'm not sure I want to anymore. I think I'm ready for us to… to work on taking our relationship to the next level" he admitted hotly, trying to get the words out before he had second thoughts, his hands shaking like leaves. His gaze was clear and strong though, locking it onto hers, searching for clues as to what she might be thinking. Those green eyes were an enigma to him though. They were so deep, so rich, and so vibrant. It was impossible for him to tell.

"I want so much for us to take this step Sheldon… I want to touch you too, so badly, and I want you to touch me" Amy exhaled, her shaking hands reflecting his.

Sheldon let out a sigh of relief.

"Good. Let's do it then" he declared, causing Amy to snap to attention.

"What, you mean right now?" she blurted out, her eyes the size of saucers.

Sheldon's mouth flung open, but no response came out. He shot her a funny look, looking at her, then looking down at the grey Lego bricks, then back at her again.

Amy didn't know whether to laugh or roll her eyes. She opted for neither.

"Do you want to play with your Lego Millennium Falcon first?" she asked amusedly, thinking that you could take the man out of Sheldon Cooper but you couldn't take Sheldon Cooper out of the man. Or…whatever.

His eyes lit up, the hope shining through his soft features.

"Oh please please please Amy can I play with my new Millennium Falcon?" he pleaded with her, jumping up and down from his seat on the floor.

"Go ahead, you know you want to" Amy smiled, watching her boyfriend leap off his feet, grabbing the box and shuffling the Legos into it, shooting off with the box in his arms.

"Thank you Amy!" he called out as he ran off to his room.

Amy shook her head, thinking she'd need to get a clear definition on just how 'near' the 'nearby future' was.


	13. Chapter 13

**A/N: I don't know if this counts as a double update, but you should read chapter 12 if you already haven't.**

**My darlings, I must thank you all for your wonderful reviews! I try to answer as many of you as possible, but if I haven't sent you a pm, it doesn't mean I didn't read or appreciate your comment. I just never imagined I would get so many of them! Now, I know that I should probably post these chapters weekly instead of semi-daily, to build up as much tension as possible, but I just can't bring myself to it. I don't get paid to do this anyway so there's no need to draw this out for months and months *laugh*. If I have something finished, I will update it, and that's final :D **

**As always: S to the H to the A to the M to the Y! Now what's that? Shamy! I can't hear you? Shamy!... once more, with feeling! - SHAAAMYYYY! **

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Sheldon didn't know whether to laugh, cry or vomit. In theory, it was possible to do all three at the same time: his bout with the stomach flu two years prior was solid proof of that.

"You seem tense today Sheldon. Would you like to tell me what's going on?" Dr. Edelstein inquired, eyeing the tall, lanky physicist where he was sitting to the far left on the leather couch. He seemed to prefer that spot. She found herself wondering if this was another compulsion of his or if that corner simply was more comfortable than the other.

"I'm not tense" Sheldon drawled, rolling his eyes ever so slightly at her concern. "I'm just thinking. It's what I do."

"I'll rephrase the question then. What are you thinking about?"

"Would you mind? I'm trying to determine the best way address the issue" Sheldon snapped, slightly annoyed with the dark-haired therapist. He didn't pay her 150 dollars an hour to rush him through these sessions.

Dr. Edelstein held her hands up in a yielding gesture.

"Take your time" she relented, returning to her clipboard to fill out some forms while she waited for him to gather his thoughts.

Sheldon leaned back, thinking through the events of last Tuesday. It certainly had been an eventful day: first, he and Dr. Edelstein had made some significant progress, finally beginning to work out the underlying cause of his fear of intimacy. Second, he had finally found the courage to tell Amy he wished to take their relationship to the next level. Or well, at least he'd reconciled with the idea of them actively working towards that goal together.

To begin with he had been happy. After all, Dr. Edelstein's hourly wage was eating a serious hole in his wallet, not to mention seriously diminishing the possibility of him ever acquiring enough money to buy himself a cybernetic body, and he felt it was only right that they were finally (colloquially speaking) 'getting somewhere' with this therapy mumbo jumbo.

After a while he started experiencing some slight discomfort, which grew to inter-galactic proportions when he finally went to bed that night, and it had been gnawing at him ever since. He had quickly arrived at the conclusion that he hadn't exactly thought the whole 'telling Amy I want us to get physical'-thing through.

He cleared his throat, and Dr. Edelstein immediately snapped to attention.

"I'm done thinking now" Sheldon explained, as if it weren't obvious.

"That's very good Sheldon. Should we get on with the session?" Janet asked, ever so patient and professional.

Sheldon found himself staring at her, for a moment unable to formulate a coherent sentence. How was it possible? He had just thought the entire thing through! All of a sudden, he became painfully aware of just how little he knew. For once, he was actually grateful he had her to ask for advice and guidance.

"…Very well" he exhaled, feeling his ears turn hot and red. "Last week, after our session, Amy paid me an unscheduled visit to hand over a gift. At first I thought she was going to force me into some romantic whatnot but it turned out she had bought me a Lego Millennium Falcon" he continued, feeling his heart warm at the memory.

"And that made you…happy?" Dr. Edelstein asked, not sure which answer was correct.

Sheldon raised his eyebrows curiously.

"…Yes?" he replied, not sure if she was joking or not. He had been getting better at reading facial expressions, especially since Amy had helped him work out the basics. She had drawn cards with smiley faces on them, patiently explaining each one of them to him, giving him tips on what cues he should look out for and which response was appropriate. But darn it, he had no idea how to work with vocals only!

"Just checking" the good doctor nodded, easing his confusion. "What happened next?"

"I found myself… overwhelmed with this sensation of… comfort and joy. I decided to tell her that I have decided I'm ready to begin exploring a physical relationship".

From the way Dr. Edelstein's lips curled upwards he would say she was glad to hear that.

"I'm glad to hear that Sheldon!" she praised. Oh, yeah, nailed it.

"…Thank you", he sighed heavily.

Dr. Edelstein's scrunched eyebrows indicated she was bewildered, or possibly confused.

"Aren't you glad you told her?" the therapist asked. Well, that wasn't much help at all. He might have to take a look at those cards again.

"I'm not sure" Sheldon admitted, fidgeting in his seat.

"It's alright to feel conflicted Sheldon. You put yourself in a very vulnerable position by telling her how you felt. Perhaps we can work this through together? Tell me what's bothering you" she urged him, trying to get him to relax. She had worked with him long enough to know how uncomfortable he was discussing these matters.

"I'm just… not sure I thought this through… practically" Sheldon admitted, realizing how ridiculous he sounded. He, one of the greatest minds of the 21st century, hadn't 'thought things through'? Well that's an oxymoron if there ever was one. Or just a moron, plain and simple.

Dr. Edelstein opened her mouth in a silent "oh". She suddenly understood what was troubling him.

"I think most people have found themselves in similar positions at one point or another in their lives Sheldon. It's not uncommon to reach the conclusion that it was 'easier said than done'" she told him, once again trying to ease his discomfort. She sensed he was feeling rather foolish, and she also knew he wasn't the kind of man who admitted he was wrong very often, if at all.

"I did research the matter" Sheldon continued, speaking of the book, not the…videos. That was something he wouldn't even tell his therapist about.

"Did it help?" said therapist asked.

"Not at all!" Sheldon cried out desperately. "All this touching and rubbing and…probing… It's like the Director's Cut of my therapy group! Frankly, I find it off-putting."

"And yet you told Amy you wished to explore a physical relationship with her?"

"I told you I didn't think it through" Sheldon muttered, crossing his arms over his chest.

Janet cocked her head to the side, studying him where he was sitting. Had they been friends, she would have sat down next to him on the couch, putting her arm over his shoulder for comfort. She would have told him that he didn't have anything to worry about, that he would be alright. But as his therapist it was her job to guide him through his emotions, help him figure out for himself which path to take. Sometimes people fared better if the answers weren't just handed to them.

"Try not to think of the reasons why you doubt this was the right thing to do. Think about the reasons why you want this instead. Tell me why you were so sure you were ready?" she said, encouraging him to search within himself for the answer.

Sheldon blinked. He hadn't really thought of it that way.

"I just…knew. I feel scared when I think of us together like that. I can't picture myself… doing all those things I read about… And yet I want to, so badly" he whispered, thinking about how Amy was more like him than anyone he knew: possibly more like him than anyone in the world. Their friendship was one of the great joys in his life: they may not be together in body but they sure were together in mind. But the more he thought of it, the more he found himself wondering what it would be like if they were together in every way imaginable.

"You have told me before that you are afraid of the implications of entering into a physical relationship with Amy. I don't think you're necessarily afraid of the act itself: I think you're afraid that you won't be able to go through with it, or perform well, thus creating a rift between the two of you" Dr. Edelstein analyzed.

"You have already informed me of your theories on a previous occasion doctor" Sheldon scoffed.

"Well, there's nothing wrong with a little repetition".

"I don't need repetition. I need you to tell me how to go through with this."

"Have you considered just asking Amy what she likes? And tell her what _you _like?" Dr. Edelstein offered.

Oh. Well that was surprisingly uncomplicated.

"You mean I just ask her? And she'll tell me?" Sheldon asked, not quite believing it could be that simple.

"I can't say for sure but I would think so, yes".

"And I just… do as she says and that's enough?"

"Sheldon, has anyone ever told you that you tend to overcomplicate things?" the brunette therapist smiled.

"Oh yes, on multiple occasions. Frankly, it's becoming repetitive. Just like these therapy sessions…" Sheldon mumbled, earning him a funny look from Dr. Edelstein.

"Anyway. It doesn't need to be more complicated than that" she continued, resisting the urge to shake her head at him. Working with Sheldon Cooper was certainly a challenge.

"Oh no, that doesn't cut it. You have to help me" Sheldon demanded, determined to get the most out of his 150 dollars.

"Excuse me?"

"Well, you don't expect me to just tell her to put her hand down my pants, do you? You're a woman, you should be able to help me come up with a plan" Sheldon reasoned, crossing his leg over the other.

Dr. Janet Edelstein knew for sure she had heard it all now.

"…A plan? What plan? I thought you had already told Amy about your intentions?" she stuttered, briefly slipping out of professional mode. Sheldon Cooper was known to have that effect on even the strongest of minds.

Sheldon rolled his eyes. He respected the good doctor, really, but she was only human after all. Unfortunately.

"Of course I have told her of my intentions, but that still leaves me with the problem of how to carry it out, as I have already mentioned. It's been a week since I told her and nothing has happened so far. I need to come up with a plan as to how to proceed" he said matter-of-factly.

'Well that escalated quickly' Dr. Edelstein thought to herself, finally finding her equilibrium.

"Ah, well Sheldon" she coughed, wondering if this really was the sort of thing she should be helping him with, "it would probably help if you were in a position where you were… alone, with time on your hands." No pun intended.

Sheldon cocked his head to the side.

"Well, that does seem logical. Seeing as all our regular interactions this week haven't led up to anything more than kissing, I might have to come up with an alternative suggestion. Something we haven't done before" he mused, starting to get into the thing. He did like the concept of a master plan, he had to admit that to himself. The images from the book were still as clear as ever, but his curiosity and his growing need were quickly winning over his fear.

"Perhaps I could invite her over for a sleepover?" he suggested, deciding to run the idea by the good doctor.

"I don't see any problem with that. It would definitely give you the time and the opportunity" Dr. Edelstein agreed, thinking that there was probably nothing wrong with her giving him a few hints. After all, this was the reason he had sought her help in the first place.

Sheldon smiled, feeling proud of himself.

"You know Dr. Edelstein, when I first came here I was sure therapy was nothing but child's play, but I'm beginning to think there's more than that to it. Perhaps there is hope that psychology might one day develop into something worth studying" he commended the dark haired woman.

"Stop it, you're embarrassing me…" Janet Edelstein mumbled, well aware that the great Sheldon Cooper did not understand the concept of sarcasm.


	14. Chapter 14

**A/N: Hey guys, here comes chapter 14 :D I'll let you in on a secret: things are gonna heat up a little in this chapter... Just a little :) I should probably inform you guys that I never write super-graphic stuff (don't care for it much) so you don't need to worry about it. The M-rating is mostly because I'm paranoid *laugh* Anyway, I hope you like it, and let me just say I'm so grateful for all your kind words, I spent the entire busride to work answering comments yesterday =) I hope I didn't forget anyone! Live long and dig the Shamy =)**

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It was a fantastic thing, this eidetic memory of his. Sheldon liked to think of it as a grand library, with spiraling stairs and painted ceilings, where he could stroll for hours, searching for titles, gently caressing the spines of the books as he moved along the length of the shelves.

Nowhere in this hall of memories could he find one of him having a friend spending the night at his home as a child.

It wasn't because he hadn't been allowed to have friends over. His mother had often asked if he didn't want to invite any of the boys he went to school with over to play, and his answer had always been the same.

"They are not my friends".

They certainly hadn't been. Oh, the cruelties they had subjected him to: stealing his lunch, his homework, his action figures… Pulling his hair, mocking his speech, beating him up on the way home from school. By the time he turned fifteen, he had finally grown tall enough to look down at the vast majority of his peers, even the students and teachers at the university, and it had felt so _good – _as if the Universe had finally decided to let him catch a break.

As an adult he had finally found friends, even inviting a few of them over to spend the night. He had always gone out of his way to be the perfect host, preparing for all eventualities.

And now Amy was coming over and he was breaking up into atoms.

He couldn't stop thinking of the implications of him inviting his girlfriend over for the night, feeling the pressure weighing on his slender shoulders as he manically picked, primped, dusted, and vacuumed the already immaculate apartment. Ever since he had told her he wished to begin exploring the possibility of them changing the paradigm of their relationship to that of a physical one, things had been…different between them. It was as if they were both waiting for something to happen, but were too scared and nervous to mention the elephant in the room.

"Good Lord, what if something _does _happen?" Sheldon mumbled to himself as he finished polishing the coffee table, tossing the dish cloth in the trash can as he made his way to his room to change clothes. Pulling out a small plastic bottle of hand sanitizer from his pocket, he squirted a healthy amount of cold gel into his palm, rubbing his hands together.

Ah, that felt so good. He could practically see the germs running for their lives.

He found himself drifting off as he showered and changed. Yes, he was terrified that something might happen between them, but he couldn't ignore that voice at the back of his head that kept whispering that it was exactly why he had invited her over in the first place. He had even sent Leonard off to Penny's, despite the fact that it wasn't 'her' turn to have him. Leonard had been confused but thankfully didn't ask why it was so important that he wasn't there, grateful for the chance to spend the night at his fiancée's.

If he didn't reclaim control of his sweat glands he would have to take another shower. God, this was just pure agony! What had he been thinking inviting her over for the night? He had never had a woman over before, at least not a woman he was in relationship with. Things were just bound to go wrong.

Just as he had convinced himself this sleep over thing was a huge mistake, he heard someone knocking on the door, and he felt himself freeze. He briefly considered hiding in his room, pretending he couldn't hear her, but a second series of knocks soon followed and he felt his compulsive need of closure win him over. He quickly crossed the distance between the kitchen and the front door, hesitating for a brief second before he decided to give in to that infernal itch in his brain, opening the door only to reveal a glowing Amy Farrah Fowler.

"Good evening Sheldon" she smiled nervously, her cheeks a little flushed and her breathing still heavy from climbing the stairs.

"Good evening Amy" he replied, eyeing the overnight bag that was slung over her shoulder. Oh dear.

He found himself staring at her. She looked different somehow. He didn't recall seeing her wearing that blouse before, and there was something else… a sweet, heady scent. Was she wearing perfume?

"Sheldon? Aren't you gonna invite me in?" Amy asked, regarding her boyfriend curiously. What had gone into him?

"What? Oh. Of course. Come in Amy" he said absent-mindedly, stepping aside to let her in, noticing the bewildered look she shot him as she entered the apartment. Oh dear indeed.

"Where can I put my things?" Amy asked, gesturing at her overnight bag.

"You'll be staying in my room. I regret to inform you that I haven't purchased any feminine hygiene products nor made the bed with floral bed sheets, as no one was home to drive me to the store. That was poor planning on my part: I hope you will still be comfortable here" Sheldon excused himself, hoping she wouldn't think he hadn't gone out of his way to make her stay as pleasant as possible.

"It's quite alright Sheldon, I brought everything I need with me. I'm sure I will be perfectly comfortable in your bed without floral sheets" Amy excused him, trying not squeal out loud at the thought of spending the night in Sheldon Cooper's bed. His bed. She couldn't believe he had actually asked her to sleep at his apartment.

"Good" Sheldon said, stretching his hand out to offer to take her bag, and went to put it away in his room. When he returned he found Amy seated on the couch in her usual spot, her hands neatly clasped in her lap. Something was indeed different, he just couldn't figure out what.

"What activities did you have planned for the evening?" Amy inquired, looking up at him where he was standing[SA1] .

He swallowed, trying not to think about the…activities he had imagined taking place here earlier that evening. His entire body had been shaking as he stepped into the shower, the sensation of the water trickling down his back almost being enough to tip him over the edge. He couldn't stop thinking of what she had said that night when she came over to bring him a gift: that she wanted to touch him. That she wanted him to touch her. He had almost torn off the shower curtain rod, clasping it so tightly his knuckles went white, knowing for sure that his cries and moans must have travelled all the way to the top floor of the building.

"I thought we might watch a movie" Sheldon replied, tugging at the collar of his t-shirt. God, was it supposed to be that tight?

"Anything in particular?" Amy queried, silently repeating 'not Indiana Jones, not Indiana Jones, not Indiana Jones' as a mantra in her head.

"Seeing as I failed to provide you with floral sheets and feminine hygiene products, I suggest we watch a film _you _might enjoy" Sheldon said, walking up to his DVD-shelf to pull out a movie he had purchased especially for this occasion.

"You have previously informed me that the classic romantic comedy 'While you were sleeping' is one of your favorite movies" he continued, waving the DVD in her direction as he made his way to the DVD-player to slip it into the slot.

Amy scrunched her eyebrows, not really believing what she just heard.

"…It is" she nodded, once again wondering what on Earth had gotten into her boyfriend.

"You know, you can always get me those floral sheets next time. I'm sure you'll have your driver's license by then" Amy smiled as he sat down next to her, and she gently patted his back before re-clasping her hands.

Next time? They had hardly set up the movie and already she had decided there would be a 'next time'? Oh boy.

"I'll… make sure to pick some up" Sheldon stammered, trying to focus on the DVD-settings.

After almost losing his mind over trying to figure out how to carry out this sleep over deal, he finally decided to Google the matter. Navigating through dozens of forum threads and online magazines with columns that were all named "Dear Gertrude", he had arrived at the conclusion that this was immensely more complicated than he could have ever imagined. There seemed to be no end to the stream of questions flowing through the World Wide Web, and the only thing he could conclude with all certainty was that men and women truly were from different planets. No one had any idea what they were doing.

He had picked up some things along the way though. The vast majority of the male forum-members seemed to agree that offering to watch your girlfriend's favorite movie with her was a good starting point for initiating amorous activities, hence why he had purchased the silly Sandra Bullock-film.

As the movie started rolling and he prepared to endure 103 minutes of rom com Hell, he felt Amy scooching closer to him, the heat from her thigh burning into his leg. Knowing what was expected of him he held out his hand for her to grab it. He had to admit he wasn't particularly fond of this activity: it was hot and sticky, and someone always had to keep their hand on top, which was just uncomfortable. But Amy liked it, and therefore he put up with it.

While he had been struggling with his conflicting feelings about this whole intimacy-business, he had reconciled with his need to take things to the next level. His major problem now was that he had no idea how to do so in a practical sense. Sure, he had kissed her and hugged her, but it had taken him years to reach that level of comfort, and now that he had let her know that he might be interested in doing more than just that, he was wary of touching her. He didn't want to come off as awkward or clumsy, and he knew that he was neither graceful nor particularly experienced in these matters.

He looked at Amy, who was completely engrossed with the film, mumbling lines to herself as her eyes followed the characters' movements on the screen. Every now and then she laughed at something that was supposedly meant to be funny, although he really couldn't see it, and he found himself thinking that her smile was the only one he had always been able to read effortlessly.

Suddenly she turned to him, still retaining that smile.

"What?" he asked bewilderedly.

"Nothing, just happy to be here" Amy let out, returning her attention to the movie.

Oh. Well, he couldn't say for sure but he thought that meant that this was going well.

When the end credits began rolling he wasn't so sure anymore. He didn't know what he had expected or what he was supposed to do now. Should he kiss her? Embrace her? Tell her to take him to the bedroom and have her wicked way with him? He shuddered at that thought. He knew he wanted _something_, but he also knew he definitely wasn't ready for…that…. Yet.

"Sheldon? Is everything okay?" Amy asked, having seen him fidget in his seat, noticing how he'd licked his bottom lip, the way he always did when he was nervous.

"I'm fine" he assured her, feeling everything but fine. How did one address these things? It was one thing to tell her he thought about it: another to actually have her do it. And the thought of her asking him to reciprocate still terrified him.

"…Okay" Amy exhaled, not sure what to say. She sensed that something was bothering him, but she didn't want to push him too hard.

"Perhaps we should brush our teeth and go to bed? It's getting late" she suggested, thinking that perhaps he was tired. He tended to get cranky if he didn't get his nine hours of sleep.

"Yes… yes let's go to bed" Sheldon agreed, feeling his stomach drop. Drat! And Dr. Edelstein had told him it 'wasn't that complicated' – what a load of poppycock!

'This is pointless' he thought as he brushed his teeth, studying himself in the mirror. His skin was just as smooth as it had been on his 20th birthday, aside from a few tiny creases around his eyes that served to remind him that he was quickly approaching his 40's. He would rather die than admit it to anyone, not even Leonard, but he was terrified of losing his hair. How his friends would mock him, should they ever found out how vain he was.

He scratched the thick stubble on his chin. Another reminder than he was a grown man, not a young boy. But this… this situation made him feel like a teenager, insecure and filled with emotions that went in all different directions.

'She is just as inexperienced as you' that infernal voice whispered. 'She's never going to laugh at you or mock you. She loves you.'

He put the toothbrush back in the cabinet, and got out of the bathroom, padding across the hall to his bedroom door.

Knock, knock, knock "Amy?"

Knock, knock, knock "Amy?"

Knock, knock, knock "Amy?"

he gently knocked, opening the door to the darkened room as she answered with a "come in", stepping inside and softly closing the door behind him. Even in the dim light he could clearly see her sitting up in bed, wearing what appeared to be a white tank top. He slowly approached the bed, sitting down on the edge as he tried to figure out what he was doing there.

"Why aren't you wearing your nightgown?" he let out at last, realizing he'd never seen her in anything that revealing before.

"I haven't had the time to do the laundry" Amy replied, as if it were the simplest thing in the world. Which, come to think of it, it was.

"I didn't invite you over just to watch your favorite movie" Sheldon admitted, feeling his hands tremble in his lap.

Amy didn't say anything. She simply pulled away the covers, moving to the side to leave room for him, and he climbed in next to her, laying down on his side, watching her mimic his moves. He found himself face to face with her, her breath tickling his nose as they lay silent in bed, while their eyes slowly adjusted to the dark.

"Why don't you just tell me what it is you want?" Amy softly asked, her voice barely above a whisper.

Why didn't he? After all, he'd been told it wasn't more complicated than that.

"I'm afraid that if I'll ask… I'll get it" he exhaled, his heart pounding so hard in his chest it hurt. "And… I feel ashamed".

"Why?" she wondered, moving even closer to him. He could hear the blood rush through his veins, causing his skin to tingle.

"I… I don't know. I'd feel so exposed" he admitted, thinking of everything she'd get to see and feel. Jesus Christ.

"What if we did it together? We'd both be exposed" Amy whispered against his lips, sending shivers down his spine.

"I wouldn't know what to do" he whispered back, unable to control his breathing now.

"I'll show you" she exhaled, closing the distance between them, pressing a soft kiss against his lips.

Sheldon couldn't stop trembling. He found himself raking his fingers through her hair as their kisses grew in intensity, tasting of mint and what he now finally realized was desire. Suddenly, he felt Amy grab his hand, pulling it towards her.

"Together" she panted against his lips, and he nodded between kisses, reaching for her hand and pulling it towards himself.

She was there, where he'd wanted her to be for so long, and he was where she wanted him, and it was so different, so intense. He felt his eyes roll back into his head, into that incredible mind of his, watching all the numbers and equations vaporize.

"Oh my god" he moaned as he heard her whimper in the background, and he urged her on, needing her to go faster, faster still, and oh how wonderful it was to hear her pant in his ear, to share this with her, expose himself to her. "Don't stop" he whispered, his breathing ragged and his movements frantic as she pressed into him, moving in rhythm with him, and suddenly everything went blank.

"I…I…I'm gonna…" he groaned, feeling himself move closer to that edge by the second, and suddenly she dug her nails into his shoulder, letting out the sweetest of cries and just like that was flying off that cliff, existing in everything and nothing at the same time.


	15. Chapter 15

**A/N: Ducklings, ducklings, ducklings, I'm sorry there was no update yesterday. I work evenings on Tusdays and Thursdays so I didn't have the time to write. But I hope that's alright =) Now, I know it's Friday so y'all are probably getting all dolled up to spend that hard earned money of yours on legal recreational drugs and entry fees to night clubs, (and possibly a burger and apple juice somewhere around...3 am) but I hope this will be a little treat before the weekend begins for real =) As always: thank you so much for all the reviews and keep on diggin' the Shamy!**

**\- YlvaBorealis **

* * *

Sheldon Cooper could not believe it was already 2.30 pm. Just what had he been doing all day? He briefly recalled arriving at work at 8 am, and his stomach felt full so that meant he must have had lunch at some point, but everything else was just blank. He looked around his office as he stood up to gather his things. The whiteboards were covered with equations so at least he had gotten some work done. It was all very strange.

He had just slung his messenger bag over his shoulder when someone knocked on the door.

"Come in!" he called out, anxiously checking his wristwatch. If he didn't leave now he would be late for his appointment with Dr. Edelstein. As the door flung open, he prepared to spit out a biting remark at the poor unfortunate soul who had dared come knocking at his door just as he prepared to leave for the day.

The poor unfortunate soul in question was Leonard.

"…uh. Leonard. What brings you here?" Sheldon stuttered, swallowing whatever venom he had prepared to spit at the unwanted visitor.

"You leaving early?" Leonard asked, ignoring Sheldon's question.

Sheldon quirked his eyebrow, studying his bespectacled friend who looked suspiciously uncomfortable. He knew he wasn't very proficient at reading facial expressions but they had lived together for almost 10 years, and Sheldon could tell that something wasn't quite right.

"…Yes" he replied slowly, wondering if that really was what Leonard had come to ask. He felt an icy chill spread from his stomach to his limbs, and he wrapped his arms around himself, as if that somehow would shield him from the cold.

Leonard nodded, looking down at his feet. Suddenly he looked up to meet Sheldon's gaze, a look of worry grazing his features.

"Sheldon…buddy" he began, nervously licking his lips. "Is there something you want to tell me?"

Oh dear. Oh dear. Think of something, _anything! _Other people lied constantly, why, oh why, was it so difficult for him to do the same? Curse this obsessive compulsive mind of his!

"…Not that I can think of. Now excuse me Leonard, I have an appointment and I'm running late" Sheldon excused himself, trying to move past Leonard who was blocking the door.

Sheldon was stunned to feel Leonard grabbing him by the shoulders to prevent him from running out of the office. Leonard looked surprised to, not quite believing he had actually man-handled Sheldon.

"Sheldon. Please don't run away. If there's anything wrong, please tell me so I can help you" Leonard pleaded with him, finally letting go of his shoulders.

"Nothing is wrong. Why would anything be wrong?" Sheldon asked, refusing to look down to meet Leonard's gaze.

"You leave early every Tuesday and Friday, and you never tell me where it is you're going. I know you haven't been to any lectures, and please don't give me that crap about 'not being at liberty' to tell. We both know you're not allowed to work on classified projects" Leonard confronted him, exposed him, opened him up and tore out his guts.

"I don't think it's any of your business where I choose to spend my evenings" Sheldon let out through gritted teeth.

The look of hurt on Leonard's face was evident, even to Sheldon. Why did he have to do this? Why couldn't he just leave him alone?

"I found the book in the kitchen drawer" Leonard told him, pulling his final card.

For a brief second, Sheldon considered just telling him everything. But that icy cold was still blazing his skin, and there was this threshold, this wall, this impenetrable membrane of fear that held him back, refusing to let him share his troubles with his best friend.

"Why do you care where I keep my things? You're moving out soon anyway. Now if you excuse me, I'm late for my appointment" he snapped, pushing himself past his friend who was left standing in his office, sick with worry that something bad had happened to this man that he'd come to consider his brother, more so than the one he actually shared blood with.

Sheldon tried to push the thought of this afternoon's confrontation away as he settled into his spot on Dr. Edelstein's couch. He had spent his week in a blissful daze, and he would not, _could not_ allow himself to think of what might happen should Leonard find out just where he'd spent his afternoons these past few months. If Leonard found out, Penny would find out, and if Penny found out… She would tell Amy.

Sheldon shuddered, refusing to acknowledge these thoughts. It was too much, too frightening, too difficult. He wasn't ready to deal with these feelings right now.

"Is something on your mind Sheldon?" Dr. Edelstein asked, noticing how he seemed to have drifted off.

He looked up, allowing the familiar sight of her to comfort him. She was his North Star, his Sun Stone during cloudy days, his guiding light in a world of darkness and confusion. Feeling himself relax somewhat, he decided to tell her the big news.

"I did it" he let out, feeling the corners of his mouth curl upwards in a sly smile.

Dr. Edelstein looked slightly taken aback. He remembered that card: round eyes, pursed lips, raised eyebrows. Yep, definitely taken aback.

"Forgive me Sheldon but I'll have to ask you to clarify. What exactly did you do?" the brunette therapist asked confusedly.

"I invited Amy over for a sleep over. I'm pleased to inform you that our plan turned out to be 'solid', as those street vandals on the MTV would say" Sheldon replied, still maintaining that smile. Dr. Edelstein couldn't recall ever seeing him smile genuinely like that.

"Oh. I suppose a 'congratulations!' is in order then. Would you be comfortable telling me what happened? How did it make you feel?" Janet queried, shooting off a smile of her own.

She had to refrain herself from laughing at how proud he looked. She was fully aware of how hard he had worked to get this far, and she didn't want to give off the impression that this wasn't a major milestone.

"She helped me with…you know" Sheldon told her, still having difficulties actually saying it out loud, "and I was able to… assist her as well".

"That's very good Sheldon, I know it hasn't been easy for you to overcome your mysophobia. Did you find the experience enjoyable?"

"It was somewhat…brief. But I would definitely say I… enjoyed it" Sheldon replied, knowing it was the truth.

Having Amy touch him had been the most mind-blowing experience of his life. He had expected it to be much like when he touched himself: after all, how different could it be?

But it had been so intensely pleasurable, so mind-numbingly _good _– he had never thought himself capable of feeling such joy, such raw, carnal desire. And touching her at the same time had only served to fuel his need, to intensify the experience, and those little moans and cries of hers… He still had marks on his shoulder from her fingernails, and he found himself touching the spot over and over, marveling over how delicious pain could feel.

They had fallen asleep together afterwards, wrapped in each other's arms like in those silly little movies of hers, waking up only to find themselves repeating the episode again before breakfast. Amy had asked him if it were to be a regular occurrence, and he had replied that he would work it into their Relationship Agreement.

Dr. Edelstein scribbled something in her notebook, and Sheldon found himself imagining her drawing a little star, like his teacher in elementary school had done when he had performed well on a quiz or test.

Finally, she looked up, her brown eyes as omniscient as ever behind those dark-rimmed glasses.

"I'm glad to hear this was a positive experience for you and your girlfriend Sheldon. While sex definitely doesn't equal a successful relationship, it does bring partners closer together. There are couples who spend their entire lives together without engaging in any sexual activity, and they are just as healthy and normal as couples who do engage in sex. But it's never a good thing if you find yourselves desiring something, only to deny yourself the experience. This was a huge step forward Sheldon, and you should be very proud of yourself" she praised, feeling happy that she had been able to help him overcome at least some of his fears.

"I'm very happy too doctor. I'm pleased to see you've turned out to be worth your ridiculously large hourly wage, despite the fact that I am still convinced that the field of psychology is nothing but hogwash invented by 19th century social scientists with too much time on their hands" Sheldon replied, noticing and ignoring Dr. Edelstein who rolled her eyes despondently.

"Have you given any thought as to where you would like to go from here?" she asked, deciding that there was no use trying to move mountains. The Earth alone had that power and she was not about to challenge it.

Sheldon cocked his head.

"What do you mean?" he inquired, thinking that there was no end to the demands from this woman. What could she possibly want from him now?

"I mean in terms of what you would like to continue to work on? Do you have any future goals as to what you would like to achieve, should we continue our sessions? If you want, you could bring Amy with you next Tuesday, and possibly work out some common goals" Dr. Edelstein suggested, watching Sheldon freeze on the spot.

All of a sudden, the memory of this afternoon's confrontation came back to him, hitting him full force. Bring Amy? No, no that was impossible.

"I… I still haven't told her I'm seeing you" he stammered, feeling the panic build up in his chest.

The good doctor put her pencil down, uncrossing her legs and clasping her hands in her lap.

"I don't want you to take this as an accusation Sheldon. I only want to know because I want to help you. How come you haven't told her? I suspected you haven't, but I'm still curious to know. What is holding you back?" she inquired, watching him where he was sitting looking pale and clammy.

Because he couldn't have her think he was weak. Because if she knew, she would know this wasn't all his doing. Because he had always claimed no to believe in this sort of thing. Because he had lied to her all winter, and if she found out, she might be sad…disappointed…hurt. It didn't matter that she already knew he was hiding something: if he pretended that this was all something that went on in some sort of alternative reality, maybe the problem would just go away of its own.

"I can't tell her. I just can't" he said, trying to swallow that lump that was stuck in his throat. He felt his breathing grow ragged, and sweat broke out on his forehead.

"Sheldon, Sheldon… listen to me. Okay? Breathe in through your nose, and out of your mouth" Janet instructed him, and he followed her command, feeling himself slowly return to normal again.

"Do you feel better?" she asked him when he was breathing somewhat calmly again.

"I think so" he mumbled, feeling the after effects of the panic attack linger in his body and mind, and he closed his eyes to try to will it all away.

"Good" the therapist nodded, getting up to pour him a glass of water, which he thankfully accepted.

"I understand this is difficult Sheldon" she began as he took deep gulps of the ice cold liquid, "and I would like you to know that it is not essential that you tell anyone about our sessions. Not even Amy. Many people prefer to keep this sort of thing private, and it's entirely up to you if you wish to do so. But it's also important that you know that there is no shame in asking for help. Coming to see me does not change who you are as a person. It's merely a way for you to explore what you can become" she continued, gently encouraging him.

Sheldon thought of that morning after the sleep over. How he had woken up to the intoxicating scent of Amy's perfume. His arm had fallen asleep as she had been resting her head on it, and she had been making little sniffing noises which he found quite adorable. Not that he was into this whole romantic business. But the feel of her warm body next to his had felt so… right. Like mathematics. Just like everything about her. And her eager tugging at his pajama bottoms had been positively delightful. He didn't think he'd ever be able to go back from that.

"I will… try to think of what I want. Until next time" he mumbled, knowing that there were still many things he needed to work through with her.

Dr. Edelstein smiled, rising from her seat as the clock struck 4.

"I'll see you next Tuesday then."


	16. Chapter 16

**A/N: It's official... I have no life . Which is good for you guys because it means I'm updating on a Saturday (I know I updated yesterday too... please don't remind me...), and I'll most likely update tomorrow as well. I hope you guys have a nice evening!**

**\- YlvaBorealis **

* * *

He was turning into a werewolf.

There really couldn't be any other explanation: something wild and animalistic had possessed him, threatening to break out of his body when he least suspected it.

He was constantly hungry but no matter how much he ate he didn't feel full. No amount of Diet Coke or Chamomile tea or Strawberry Quik could quench his thirst. And those baser urges that he had kept under such close watch all these years… Well, let's just say he wasn't the master of his own nether regions any longer.

Sheldon couldn't recall having been bitten by a werewolf, which sort of rendered that theory moot, but that didn't exclude the fact that it could have happened in his sleep, or that the werewolf had beat him unconscious before delivering the coup de grace.

It couldn't just be that he was happy, right?

He speared a cherry tomato with his fork, watching the juices squirt out of it. Slowly, he brought it to his mouth, absent-mindedly chewing as he tried to figure out just what was going on. The hustle and bustle of the cafeteria went right past him.

Raj, Howard, and Leonard watched him bewilderedly, having never seen him in such a state before. Sure, everybody knew he was strange (none of them bought that 'not being crazy'-crap. After all, Mary Cooper _did _regret not following up with that specialist in Houston) and he often drifted off into his own private zone which no one had access to, but this was different. In fact, there were a lot of things that seemed to have changed about Sheldon Cooper. Not big things, but things nonetheless.

"What is wrong with him?" Howard Wolowitz asked through pursed lips, nudging his head in Sheldon's direction.

"I swear to cow, he's been like that for weeks now. It's creeping me out. Yesterday I snatched one of his onion rings from his plate, and he didn't even flinch" Raj commented, shivering through four layers of clothing.

Leonard sighed, picking at his food, refusing to look at his tall lanky friend who still had a dreamy expression on his face. Ever since he'd confronted Sheldon in his office three weeks prior, things had been tense between them. Part of him felt bad for backing Sheldon into a corner like that, but another part of him was terribly angry and worried that something wasn't quite right. Why would Sheldon disappear for two nights a week? Why wouldn't he tell Leonard what was going on? Was he ill? Had he gotten himself into trouble? Leonard wasn't really sure what kind of 'trouble' a man like Sheldon could get himself into, but something was off, he just knew it. And what had that book been doing in the kitchen drawer?

He gently nudged his friend with his elbow, effectively waking Sheldon out of his reverie.

"Everything alright buddy?" Leonard asked, deciding he would not be that friend who just kept his mouth shut.

Sheldon looked at the short, dark haired man next to him. He too had been feeling bad about telling Leonard off like that. He had looked so hurt and lost: it had been obvious even to him, even though he had quickly pulled out the 'sad face'-card afterwards just to make sure. Deep down he knew that Leonard wouldn't betray his trust, but his mind wouldn't let him have it. That just wasn't the way it worked. Every time he decided to come clean with Leonard, he began imagining all kinds of devastating scenarios and possible outcomes and it just…. choked him. If he opened his mouth, no sound would come out. It had been eating at him for weeks now.

No, he couldn't tell him, no matter how badly he wanted to. There was something he _could _do though.

Gently, he stretched out his hand and put it over Leonard's, giving it a little squeeze. He found himself thinking it was strange how soft and warm his friend's skin was, given that he was male. He had never touched anyone in this way before. Except for Amy.

He met his friend's hazel gaze, hoping that the look he was giving off was one of comfort.

"Yes Leonard, everything is alright. Thank you for worrying about me" he said, knowing for sure that he meant it. He softly patted the bespectacled physicist's hand before rising up to take away his food tray.

"Now if you excuse me gentlemen, I need to get back to work" he nodded at his three friends, whose large round eyes informed him they were all completely dumbstruck. He fished his little bundle of cards out of his pocket as he left the cafeteria, studying them as he made his way to his office. Oh yeah, he was definitely getting good at this.

"What the hell was that?" Howard let out, staring at Leonard who was twisting and turning his hand, lightly petting it as if expecting it to feel different somehow.

"I have absolutely no idea" Leonard replied, still looking at his hand.

Amy had offered to pick Sheldon up from work since it was the third Thursday of the month, which meant it was Date Night. She had suggested he drive, which would have given him some well-needed practice for his driver's test, and he had pulled out every argument in the book in order to get out of it. "But _Amy, _it's rush hour!" and "I still get the pedals mixed up" and "can't we go out this weekend and practice instead?"

Finally she gave in, tired of his complaints and eager to get home to make dinner. Her stomach was growling and she wasn't up for dealing with a cranky Sheldon anyway.

Sheldon smiled to himself as they got in the car, watching Amy buckle up and put the key in the ignition. He didn't really have a problem with driving them home: Amy was an excellent teacher and he felt quite confident driving in heavy traffic these days. Alright, he _did _get the pedals mixed up sometimes, but he had learned not to scream like a little girl every time the car stalled.

He just wanted an excuse to watch her.

Ever since that night when she had slept over and they had touched each other for the first time, he couldn't seem to get enough of her. He truly did feel like some sort of beast had taken over his body: it was as if he was noticing her for the first time.

They hadn't taken their explorations further. Not yet. He still couldn't stand the thought of her looking at him, and he still didn't feel ready to move on to… other activities, but they had made their sessions a part of their routine. They kissed and touched, always in the dark, always keeping their clothes on, clinging to each other afterwards as if afraid to let the other go. It was wonderful, wonderful indeed.

He watched her navigate the streets of Pasadena, keeping her eyes firmly locked on the road. 'Always the responsible driver' he thought to himself approvingly.

"So, how was work today?" Amy asked as they sat down to dinner, helping herself to a healthy portion of lasagna.

"It was delightful! I must say Amy, hiring Alex as my assistant is possibly the best decision I've ever made. Naturally, all my decisions are good, but I'm especially pleased with this one. I haven't been bothered by a single grad student since the 24th of January 2013" Sheldon replied, happily shoveling lasagna and green salad into his mouth.

Amy cocked her head.

"Isn't it part of your duties as junior professor? Assisting grad students?" she asked, taking a sip of her white wine.

Sheldon let out his characteristic little laugh, smugly looking up at his girlfriend.

"Yes."

Amy nodded, not returning his laugh.

"Do you think she's pretty?" she suddenly asked, putting down her knife and fork.

Sheldon had a blank expression on his face.

"I'm sorry, who?" he asked confusedly, grabbing his glass to take a sip of milk through the bendy straw Amy had provided him with.

"Alex" Amy let out.

Sheldon regarded her, sensing that there was something he should be able to pick up on here, but not really sure what that 'something' might be.

"I haven't really given her appearance much thought but I suppose she does have qualities the general public might perceive as 'attractive': proportional facial features, long lush hair, a slender figure…"

"Do _you _find her attractive?" Amy interrupted him, her voice low and firm.

"I-I don't know" Sheldon stammered, desperately searching for some clue as to what was going on. Clearly, Amy wanted something but he wasn't sure what, and he had the growing feeling of being in some sort of _trouble _but he couldn't for the life of him figure out why.

"Do you find _me _attractive?" Amy exhaled, her green eyes making contact with his blue orbs. Oh dear. What was this about? His hands were soaking wet and his thoughts were colliding. He couldn't remember Amy's facial expression being in the cards.

"I've told you I think you're pretty" he replied, hoping it was the right answer.

"Say it."

"W-what?"

"Tell me you're attracted to me."

He thought of these past few weeks, how his mind had been filled with images of her. He hadn't been able to stop thinking of their new-found intimacy, all those things he had learned about her since they'd added this new dimension to their relationship. How he had felt as if he was possessed by some kind of wild animal.

"I'm attracted to you" he exhaled, his chest heaving as he watched her from across the table.

She didn't reply: instead, she simply rose from her chair, and Sheldon was convinced he must have given her the wrong answer.

"Come" she said, extending her hand toward him.

He eyed it confusedly but did as he was told, grabbing her hand and letting her lead him to the couch. He swallowed as they sat down, waiting for whatever scolding he was about to receive.

It never came.

Instead, she pulled him to her, pressing a heartfelt kiss against his lips. He wasn't sure what to think when she broke away from him, feeling for sure that the female mind was the biggest mystery in the Universe.

"So, you are… glad?" he asked tentatively, still somewhat confused. She didn't reply: instead, she pulled him to her again, once again pressing her lips against his, tilting her head to pull him in deeper. She tugged at his shoulders as she lay down on the couch, urging him to follow her, and he had a sudden sense of déja vu. He had conjured this exact same image many weeks before, as he had imagined what being intimate with her would be like. They were in her apartment, not his, but other than that the scenario was close to identical.

He broke away from her, looking at her as she lay beneath him.

She saw the question in his eyes, finally deciding to answer it.

"I just need to know that… this is not something we're doing because you feel it's something you have to do… for me" Amy said, her voice barely above a whisper. "I need to know that… that you want me" she exhaled, looking more vulnerable than he'd ever seen her before.

That thing… that something that wanted to break out of him… it was clawing its way up from his pelvis, to his chest, his heart, his head, his breath.

"I want you" he whispered, bending down to kiss her, taste her, possess her.

Their breathing became ragged and their kissing frantic, both of them knowing what was about to follow.

"Do you… should we move to my bedroom?" Amy panted between kisses, knowing how uncomfortable he was if the room wasn't dark and they weren't under the covers.

"No…" he said, breaking away for a second, "I want to look at you".

Lips exchanged kisses and hands fumbled for belt buckles and zippers. Sheldon looked away as Amy removed her pantyhose and underwear, retaining her soft, black jersey skirt.

They resumed their kissing and he felt her reach for him, and he grabbed her hand, effectively stopping her.

"Do it to yourself. I want to watch" he demanded hotly, not recognizing his own voice. Now he knew for sure that there was something inside him that didn't belong. There was no way that he could have said that of his own accord.

He was shaking as a leaf as she did as she was told, softly writhing and moaning underneath him. He heard his own breathing echo against the walls, and he reached for himself, eyes firmly locked at her. She was still covered, the black skirt hiding her from him, and he grabbed the hem to hike it up, needing to see.

"Oh god" he panted, almost fainting from arousal.

_So beautiful, so strong, so wonderful, Amy, my Amy… Keep going, how come I haven't looked at you before, God… Amy…_


	17. Chapter 17

**A/N: Thank you so much for all the positive reviews, like... ah, you guys are so sweet. I just couldn't resist updating early today. Now, even I have school/work/other duties, so don't be alarmed if I don't update EVERY day. I promise you will get to see how this story ends =) Now, in this chapter, Sheldon comes to terms with some disturbing feelings, and also gets some sort of closure, at least on certain issues. I thought our boy deserved it =) I have been going hard on him, I know...**

**As always: Long Live the Shamy!**

**\- YlvaBorealis **

* * *

"You have to help me doctor."

Dr. Edelstein blinked.

"Why of course I will help you Sheldon. After all, it's what I do" she replied, winking coyly at the lanky physicist. She couldn't resist toying with him a little: he was her favorite client after all.

"I _know _that" Sheldon snorted, "there is no need to remind me, as circa 33 % of my monthly paycheck ends up in your pocket, thank you very much" he continued, muttering to himself under his breath. Dr. Edelstein thought she could make out something about 'no adamantium skeleton for me' and 'had to save for three weeks to buy the latest issue of Batman', but none of it made sense to her.

Deciding to ignore his irritated rant, she settled into professional mode, following up on his previous plea for help.

"I'm sorry Sheldon, I wasn't my intention to mock you. Please, tell me what you need me to help you with?" Janet Edelstein encouraged him, shooting off her best reassuring smile.

Sheldon looked at her, marveling at the comforting effect that smile had on him. He knew nothing of her: was she married? A mother? Alone with three cats? Did she spend her weekends catching up on work or did she take pottery classes or play bingo or some other silly nonsense women his mother's age enjoyed doing for recreation?

He knew nothing, and yet he told her things he hadn't even told his best friend, or his girlfriend, or his mother. Things he hadn't even told himself.

"I can't sleep" he said, once again opening up to her. "I can't eat. I can't work. I can't organize my thoughts" he let out, staring out into nothingness.

"Is something troubling you? Can you think of something that might have triggered this anxiety episode?" Dr. Edelstein inquired, rapidly writing in her notebook.

'Anxiety episode'? Was this really what this was? He had been worried sick about this whole ordeal with Leonard, even though things were almost back to normal again, and knowing that Amy was fully aware that he was keeping something from her was wearing on him. He had been making progress with his CBT-group, and Dr. Edelstein had helped him with exercises to help keep his OCD under control, but these past few days he had felt himself slip back into his regular routines, even growing slightly manic. He organized, counted, imagined all kinds of disasters befalling him, even going so far as to refusing to eat because no matter how much he reorganized the ingredients on his plate he couldn't get it right.

But he was happier than he'd ever been in his life. He was manic, starved, exhausted… and ridiculously happy.

"I… I can't seem to stop thinking… about… I mean" he stammered, feeling ashamed to admit this even to his psychiatrist.

"Take your time Sheldon, there's no rush" Dr. Edelstein eased him, as so many times before.

"It's just that I'm… so happy right now. Things between me and Amy are going… really well" Sheldon admitted, pushing off the thoughts that were lurking around inside that big brain of his, pleading with them to leave him alone.

The good doctor eyed him curiously.

"Is that a bad thing? Being happy?"

Sheldon rolled his eyes.

"Of course it's not a bad thing. But the consequences of it are! Really doctor, sometimes I do think I give you too much credit" he scoffed, lashing out at whoever happened to be in his way. In this case it was his therapist so it didn't really get him anywhere.

"That may very well be true Sheldon but remember: I'm not the client here. You need to tell just why this is causing you such trouble" she gently lectured him, effectively cutting off his rant.

He shuddered, knowing he had to tread into awkward territory. He still couldn't imagine himself losing control over something so… messy and off-putting. It just didn't fit with his image of himself.

"I can't get anything done. I try to work and I think of sex with Amy. I try to sleep and I think of sex with Amy. Eating, reading, watching TV, playing video games… It's impossible. I think… I think I might actually be going insane" he mumbled, thinking that maybe that doctor who had told his mother he was perfectly fine had been wrong. Maybe he'd just been in denial all these years.

The brunette therapist put down her notebook and pencil, looking at him firmly.

"Sheldon, listen to me: you are _not _crazy. Alright? I have diagnosed you with OCD and General Anxiety Disorder, that is true. But that doesn't mean you're insane: I assure you, you are nowhere near insane. I know that we've had a backlash with your manic episode last week, but in general, I'd say things are going very much in the right direction. You are just starting to come to terms with your sexuality. It's completely normal to feel a little overwhelmed in the beginning: to find yourself wanting more. You are perfectly healthy, I guarantee it" she told him, determined not to let him slip into that dark hole of anxiety.

"I… I feel okay. I think. Part of me feels… happy and content. But I just can't make sense of these images, this overwhelming… need. I can't stop thinking of… sleeping with her, and yet I'm still unable to actually… go through with it" Sheldon admitted, trying to imagine he was someone else. He was fine with his desire for her, but he still couldn't come to terms with not being in control of his thoughts and mind.

Janet Edelstein blinked.

"You've told me you've engaged in mutual masturbation. Mutual masturbation _is _sex Sheldon" she gently informed him, smiling a little as she continued scribbling in her notebook.

"I know that" Sheldon sulked, annoyed that she would think him completely clueless. "That's not what I was referring to" he continued, hoping she wouldn't ask him to state out loud what he meant.

"I understand Sheldon. You're talking about sexual intercourse, am I right?" the good doctor inquired, looking at him over those dark-rimmed glasses. She reminded him of Amy when she did that.

"…Yes" he mumbled, glad she didn't make him say it.

"First of all: many people perceive sexual intercourse as the 'final step' when it comes to physical intimacy. It's very easy to feel as if it has to be a perfect experience, and that your sex-life isn't complete without it, but fact is it's just one of many types of sexual activities. If you and your girlfriend are perfectly happy exploring other forms of physical intimacy, that doesn't mean you have 'failed' Sheldon. In fact, I think it has been good for you not to rush into this" Janet gently told him, needing to reassure him that he had indeed come very far.

"I know" he exhaled, knowing she was right. He was comfortable with the pace Amy and he were moving at. This way, he had time to process everything that was happening, all these new sensations, these things that were going on in his body and mind. But that thing within him, that entity that was clawing at his muscles and intestines… it wanted it all. And it wanted it now.

"I just can't stop thinking about it" he repeated, needing her to know that he wanted her to help him get to the bottom of this.

"Then tell me what's so frightening about it? Why do you feel you can't go through with it? What pops up in your mind when you think of sexual intercourse?" Dr. Edelstein asked, looking up from her notebook.

He froze. Just as he had done that night so many years ago in the men's room at that scruffy bar.

His father was grunting, pushing Bobbie Jean up against the wall, both of them completely unaware of Sheldon who could do nothing but stare at them. He almost lost control of his bladder, feeling an overwhelming need to relieve himself, and something else… a strange tingling. He began to hyperventilate, his bottom lip trembling as he heard himself ask his father if he was hurting the bottle-blonde bartender.

His father had grabbed him by the hand, dragging him out of the establishment, not looking back as Bobbie Jean called out after him.

"Daddy, where are we going?" Sheldon whimpered as George dragged him down the gravel path, barely able to keep up with his father's long strides.

"We're going home Shelly" his father let out through gritted teeth, feeling his heart pound in his chest, cursing to himself under his breath. Sheldon had often heard his father use colorful language but this was unusually vulgar, even for him.

"But _Daddy_" Sheldon sobbed, trying to get his father to stop but failing miserably. He was too big, too strong.

"_WHAT_?" his father bellowed, stopping dead in his tracks and turning to Sheldon, who was wailing out loud now, tears trickling down his cheeks.

"Shit…" George mumbled, getting down on his knees in front of his crying young son, awkwardly grabbing his shoulders.

"Hey, hey… Shelly. Daddy didn't mean to yell at you. Don't… don't cry son, please" he pleaded with Sheldon, rubbing his arms in what he hoped was a comforting gesture. He really didn't know how to do this: his own father had never told him anything but 'don't be such a sissy' and 'man up'.

"I have to go, Daddy" Sheldon hiccupped, looking down at his feet as the tears kept trickling down his cheeks.

"Go? Go where?" George asked confusedly.

"I have to _go_" Sheldon cried, clutching his hand over his crotch.

"Oh" George let out, suddenly realizing that Sheldon had probably gone inside the bar to relieve himself. "Of course… Uhm… Yeah, I think I need to go too. Come on" he said, rising up back on his feet, grabbing Sheldon's hand once again and leading him back to the truck, positioning them behind it where they were somewhat shielded from view.

"Okay son, you know the drill. Firm grip, feet wide apart" George instructed, standing beside Sheldon, fumbling with his own belt buckle.

Sheldon nodded, mimicking his father's moves, groaning with pleasure as he finally found relief. Oh, that poor bladder of his had been so full it hurt.

He looked at his father out of the corner of his eye, hat cocked coyly to the side, shirt slightly ruffled, his posture firm and masculine. His Daddy. He couldn't make sense of what he had seen in that bathroom, of the feelings it had evoked within him, and he felt so hurt, and so frightened… And yet he had never felt as close to his father as he did now, standing behind that car urinating together.

"I think of my father" Sheldon whispered, not looking his therapist in the eyes. "I think of him and his lover in that bathroom… I remember their movements, the noise, that… tingling within me. I know what it was I felt… I can't… That can't be normal."

Every time he thought of him and Amy together, that image came up. It was the only time he had seen something like that. Apart from that extremely brief view of the…video. It was incredibly disturbing.

"It is normal Sheldon. Trust me. You are not weird, or crazy, or abnormal. We have talked about this before: you saw something you weren't supposed to see, and you couldn't make sense of it. You were six years old. I know that you feel ashamed that you were excited, but trust me when I say this: there is nothing wrong with you. Alright? There is absolutely no reason to think that you can't have a healthy, normal sex-life. In fact, I recall you having enjoyed that part of yourself these past few weeks" Janet calmly told him, shooting off a smile at that last sentence.

He looked up at her, feeling those images slowly start to fade away.

"I have, haven't I?" Sheldon said, thinking of his and Amy's encounter during Date Night. How exquisite she had looked, how vulnerable she had been… She had trusted him completely, allowing him to look at her, crying out with excitement as he allowed her to look at him.

"I think you know the answer to that question Sheldon. It's time to start letting go of those memories. You're not six years old anymore. It can't hurt you anymore. You alone are the master of your own fate, your own future" Janet replied, casting an eye at the clock on the wall, noticing him doing the same.

"It's four o'clock" Sheldon mumbled, contemplating her words.

"So it is" she replied, remaining seated.

"I suppose we have to discuss the matter of my and Amy's living arrangements next week then."

* * *

**A/Nx2: Kudos if you catch the Queen reference =D And I know I suck, ending on a cliffhanger... hee hee.**


	18. Chapter 18

**A/N: I've always loved how Amy and Sheldon seem to have so much fun together, and I spend a lot of time trying to come up with activities they might engage in when they're alone (oh stop it, you know what I mean!), but this time I was short on inspiration. Then I remembered that time when Sheldon got drunk and played that song from Fiddler on the Roof and thought... hey. I can work with that =) (Y'all know this girl is a big ole' music nerd...) - I hope you enjoy reading this as much as I enjoyed writing it! As always: Shamy ftw!**

**\- YlvaBorealis**

* * *

First and foremost they were friends.

A couple of years prior, they had been watching one of Amy's French movies over a cup of tea, discussing Amy's love of the French language and the intricate plot of the film. The night had been unusually pleasant, and Amy had expressed her joy over Sheldon's unveiled enthusiasm, telling him it was nice to see him enjoying spending time with her.

"Of course I enjoy spending time with you. You're my best friend" Sheldon had blurted out accidentally, instantly realizing the implications of his words.

Amy had let out a soft gasp, putting down her cup of tea as she tried to gather her composure.

"You're my best friend too" she confessed, feeling her heart make little flips in her chest.

They had agreed not to tell anyone about their mutual admission. Sheldon didn't want Leonard to think he didn't still platonically love him, and Amy was fiercely loyal to her bestie Penny. The poor girl would be lost without her guidance and support.

It had been their little secret, something only they shared, something that differentiated them from the rest of the world. Even as they spent hours in the same room not talking, each working on his or hers own project, they sometimes threw each other a glance just to let the other know that they were thinking of them.

'You're the only person in this entire world who I don't have to explain myself to.'

Tonight was one of those nights that reminded Amy of that time all those years ago. Her boyfriend was busy setting up his digital piano, licking his lips in concentration as he turned knobs and pushed buttons, while she was sitting at Leonard's desk, working on a paper that was due in two weeks. She watched him bemusedly as he tried out sounds and settings, wearing his large, retro-style headphones.

His fingers danced over the keys, and she found herself wondering what he was playing. A theme song from one of his favorite TV-shows? Something by one of those girly pop-singers he liked (discovering that her stoic boyfriend was into Taylor Swift and Lene Marlin had her laughing so hard she started hyperventilating, and he had stormed out of the apartment, refusing to answer his phone for hours), or possibly something by one of the big classic composers?

Either way, she wasn't getting anywhere with this paper. Saving whatever work she had managed to get done, she turned off her laptop and rose from her chair, making her way over to Sheldon who was still sitting by his desk, playing the piano. She was just about to pat his shoulder, but changed her mind, opting instead for removing his headphones.

Sheldon turned to her, a confused expression on his face.

"Was there something you wanted?" he asked, placing his hands in his lap.

"I can't get any work done" she complained, craving entertainment.

"Well, that sounds an awful lot like _your _problem, not mine" Sheldon huffed, motioning for her to give back his headphones. She held on to them, determined to get her way.

"Come on Sheldon, let's do something together. Perhaps you could teach me how to play the piano?" Amy suggested, nudging her head in the direction of the keyboard.

Sheldon quirked one of his thick, dark eyebrows.

"I thought you already knew how to play?" he asked bewilderedly, recalling that day when she had attempted to reprogram his brain in order to satiate his compulsive need for closure. She had played The Star-Spangled Banner on his toy piano.

"I only know that song, and Twinkle twinkle little star" Amy confessed, twirling self-consciously while looking down at her feet.

"Again, not my problem" Sheldon pointed out, slightly irritated that she had interrupted him mid-solo. He'd been working on that for weeks, damnit.

"Come on Maestro. It's time I practice my scales and arpeggios" Amy coaxed flirtatiously, nudging his shoulder with her elbow.

Sheldon sighed dramatically, plugging out his headphones, once again motioning for Amy to hand them back to him. She happily did as she was told, and he gently put them back in their case, placing it in one of his drawers.

"Alright, go get a chair and come sit next to me" he instructed, moving his chair to the right to make room for her.

Amy squealed, much to her boyfriend's dismay, sauntering over to Leonard's desk to get the chair.

"What was that by the way? The whole 'scales and arpeggios'-nonsense?" Sheldon asked as she took her place next to him.

"Oh… It's a line from Disney's 'the Aristocats'" Amy smiled, enjoying their close proximity. "Duchess, the mother cat, fosters her kittens into little ladies and gentlemen, and during one of their piano classes she tells them it's time they 'practice their scales and arpeggios'."

"Huh" Sheldon let out, as if having learnt something new.

"You never saw 'the Aristocats'?" Amy inquired, cocking her head to the side curiously.

"I was busy uncovering the mysteries of the Universe" Sheldon scoffed pompously, scrunching his nose in distaste. "Besides, my mother wouldn't allow it. Something about the mother cat 'giving away the entire cookie' to Thomas O'Malley without being married" he added under his breath, silently recalling that time when he had asked if he and Missy could go to the movie theater in Houston to see it at the 20th anniversary of its release.

"Oh" Amy let out flatly, not sure what to say. In many ways, Mary Cooper reminded her of her own mother: over-protective, slightly manic, fanatical. Another thing they had in common. But Sheldon's mother loved him dearly, that she knew for sure. As for her own mother… Well, at least she was concerned for her daughter's well-being and that must count for something. Right?

"Okay, enough with the tittle-tattle" Sheldon said, waking her out of her reverie. "Now, since you play the harp you are already familiar with notation, so we'll work on posture and fingering" he continued, entirely oblivious of the double entendre he'd just made.

"Uh-huh" Amy nodded, trying not to let her mind wander at that. How adorable he was, this clueless, innocent boyfriend of hers.

"Sit up straight, and bend your wrists, like this" Sheldon instructed, holding out his hands to show her how it was done.

"Like this?" she asked, trying to mimic his moves, finding it was more complicated that she'd initially thought.

"No, no, not from below. You play from above. Try again" he corrected her, grabbing her hands to place them correctly onto the keys. He marveled at how petite they were, those hands of hers. His hands looked humongous next to them, with rough skin and thick hair, contrasting her smooth, white fingers. It was strange that he, who had never done any hard labor whatsoever in his life, had the hands of a working man. Another trait passed down from the long line of manly men he stemmed from: hard-working, blue-collared roughnecks who wouldn't have known what theoretical physics was if Steven Hawking fell down on their heads, wheelchair and all.

Sitting next to this tiny woman whom he held so close to his heart, he found himself grateful for those hands. He knew it was silly: he was a Homo Novus after all, above such petty notions… But there was a part of him that loved the thought of protecting her with those strong, masculine hands of his. Ugh, he rolled his eyes at himself just thinking of it. But still.

He cleared his throat, remembering he was supposed to teach her how to play the piano.

"Ahem. So, you mentioned scales and arpeggios. As you know, the musical alphabet runs from A to G. Let's play 'do re mi', starting off with 'do'" he mumbled, playing the scale for her to see and hear, singing along with her as she tentatively mimicked his moves.

"Not 'ti do'. '_Si _do'" he corrected her when she sang the scale incorrectly for the third time.

"I'm sorry, I haven't taken classes since I was a child" she excused herself, starting over.

"You're doing fine. Let's move on to the arpeggios" Sheldon told her after she finally got it right. "Again, as you know, an arpeggio is a chord whose notes are played in rapid succession rather than simultaneously. Like this" he continued, playing an arpeggio from F major to C major.

Once again she watched his fingers dance over the keys, his confident moves indicative of years of practice. Suddenly she wasn't in the mood to toy around with scales and arpeggios anymore.

"Play something for me Sheldon" she asked, looking at him admiringly.

"Oh, here we go…" Sheldon muttered, knowing for sure he'd been tricked into some sort of romance-nonsense again.

"Please?" Amy pleaded with him, feeling confident that his love of showing off would win over his aversion to what he called 'girly jabberwocky'. She had to admit, for a man who rarely, if ever, cursed, he had a surprisingly colorful vocabulary.

"Fine…" Sheldon relented, turning one of the knobs to find the setting he wanted, cracking his fingers before putting them back against the keys, closing his eyes for a second as he searched his memory for tunes. Gently he began playing, first one note, then another, then three. The melody was melancholic, but poignant, increasing in strength as he kept playing, hitting the keys faster, losing himself in the rhythm the way he always did when he played.

"That was beautiful Sheldon" Amy exhaled as he finished playing. "What was it?"

"The love theme from the first Terminator movie" Sheldon told her, turning to her after he flicked the off-switch on the piano.

Amy rolled her eyes. Once a nerd, always a nerd. Oh well, at least it was a love song, she had to give him that.

He didn't tell her it was the song that was played over the love scene where Kyle Reese and Sarah Connor conceived the future rebel leader John Connor, the hero of the franchise. That was his own little secret.

"Sheldon" Amy began, suddenly remembering something he'd said just before they began playing, "about your mother…"

"What about her?" Sheldon asked, confused as to why she was suddenly bringing her up.

"Well…" Amy continued, trying to find the right words. "I know that she is very religious (the word is 'nutcase' Amy, Sheldon corrected her, earning him a stern look) but I've always wondered… Was she always that way?" she inquired, hoping she didn't step on any toes.

Sheldon didn't answer at first. She noticed how he drifted off, possibly trying to sort his memories.

"No… no, she wasn't always 'that way'" he finally let out, a contemplative look grazing his features. "Meemaw… Meemaw is a free spirit, like me. And she is a woman of faith, that is true, but it didn't… it didn't control her entire existence. She told me my mother was much the same growing up."

"Then what happened?" Amy asked, her green eyes gently roaming his features.

"After she gave birth to my older brother, something… something went terribly wrong. She couldn't eat, couldn't sleep… refused to nurse the baby. She wouldn't let my father touch her: Meemaw helped her shower and dress every morning" Sheldon told her, feeling his heart ache at the thought of his mother in such an awful state.

"Post-partum depression" Amy realized, and Sheldon nodded in agreement.

"Yes. She finally got well after having turned to religion for comfort. After she found out that my father had… that he had been unfaithful… All hell broke loose" the lanky physicist confessed, shuddering at the thought of the endless lectures, the hours spent in church, the prayers, the Bible-quoting… And the accusations, oh, the accusations. There had been no end to it. She and his father had stayed together, despite his infidelity, and while he had spiraled into alcoholism, she had in turn fallen down the deep pit that was religious fanaticism. And Sheldon had been wedged between the two of them, suffering the consequences. His father would wander into his room at night after drinking too much, ranting on and on about his troubles with women in general, his mother in particular, resulting in him falling asleep during class the day after. His mother wouldn't let him lock the door when he showered, accusing him of engaging in 'self-abuse'. And none of them supported his choice to become a theoretical physicist.

"That must have been very difficult for you" Amy exhaled, suddenly realizing Sheldon had never actually told her much about his upbringing.

"I know that she was sad, and I know that my father… that he had problems with drinking. But it's no excuse! I would never do what they did to my own children" Sheldon declared hotly, his chest heaving and his heart racing.

Amy let out a soft gasp at his words, feeling her stomach clench. They had talked about it before, but that had been another life, another Universe. Things were different now.

It didn't matter. They were down the rabbit hole now.

"Do you… do you think we'll have children some day?" she let out, feeling an intense throbbing in her chest, her ears, between her legs.

He froze, suddenly realizing just what he had said. He thought of the cradle his father had made for him… for his future grandchildren. If George Cooper had been that sure of himself… then maybe there was a chance that Sheldon Cooper could be as well.

"I haven't ruled it out" he admitted, knowing that was all he could give her for now. "But right now I'm happy just having you" he continued, licking his lips as he studied her features, trying to decipher the look on her face.

Amy nodded, leaning in to rest her head on his shoulder.

Best friends indeed.


	19. Chapter 19

**A/N: I know I ended chapter 17 on a cliffhanger... And I know many of you have been very eager to find out what happens next. I had to stay up late yesterday and try to squeeze in two hours of writing after work today, and I almost thought I wouldn't make it on time but here it is - chapter 19!**

**Thank you so much again for all of your wonderful reviews, I could never write this quickly without all the amazing feedback I've been getting... You guys really are the best.**

**\- YlvaB **

* * *

'God, he really is tall' Janet Edelstein thought as she stepped aside to let Sheldon Cooper into her office.

She remembered thinking that the first time they had met. He had been waiting for her on the couch that day, and by the time he stood up to leave she had already categorized him as fragile, vulnerable even. It was strange to find that he towered over her: that he probably towered over the great majority of the population.

"You look well, Sheldon" she commented as he sat down on the couch, noticing how his cheeks seemed fuller and his eyes weren't bloodshot. She hoped it was the result of him sleeping and eating properly again.

"Thank you doctor, I have had a rather pleasant week" Sheldon thanked her, sounding unusually chipper.

"I'm glad to hear that. Are we eating and sleeping well?" Dr. Edelstein asked, making sure he knew she was watching him.

"I'm pleased to inform you I have been getting my nightly nine hours of sleep, as well as regular meals. I've even gotten some exercise" the lanky physicist informed her, referring to his climbing up and down the stairs of his apartment building every morning and afternoon on his way to and from work.

"Very good Sheldon" the brunette therapist praised, ticking off boxes in her notebook, smiling at how content he looked.

"So" she continued after she finished filling out the forms "What do you say we start working on some goals for your future sessions, given that you would like to continue seeing me? I know that we got a little side-tracked last week, but you did mention wanting to discuss yours and your girlfriend's living arrangements?"

"I did" Sheldon confirmed, clasping his hands in his lap, rolling his thumbs.

Dr. Edelstein looked at him, expecting him to elaborate, blinking awkwardly as he didn't.

"This is the part where you tell me what you wanted to discuss Sheldon" she gently teased, unable to resist smiling.

"I'm sorry, I thought it was obvious" Sheldon let out confusedly.

"Nothing is ever 'obvious' Sheldon."

"It should be when your hourly wage is 150 dollars."

"You never get tired of reminding me of that, do you?"

"I have been known to, colloquially speaking, 'hold grudges'."

Dr. Edelstein sighed.

"I'm sorry Sheldon, I realize I should know you well enough by now to guess what you're thinking but just for the sake of argument, let's say I don't. Would you be so kind and tell me why you want to discuss yours and Amy's living arrangements?" she asked, rubbing her temple with her left hand while writing with the other. While he _was _her favorite client, he was also the one responsible for all the new grey hairs she had discovered around her ears and hairline these past few months.

He didn't answer her right away, finding himself drifting off into his own thoughts. Ever since that first time, there had been many more sleep overs, sometimes at his place, sometimes at Amy's. He had sworn her to secrecy and she had obliged, for reasons he didn't know but well suspected. The last time she had suggested they move in together he had run away for 45 days, which he now understood must have made her somewhat… wary of asking him again.

"I would like to… discuss the possibility of her moving in with me… eventually" Sheldon finally let out.

"You're going to have to be more specific Sheldon. What about her moving in with you?"

He rolled his eyes, not realizing she sounded exactly like him.

"For goodness sake, do I have to do _all _the work around here?" he complained, starting to feel grumpy.

"That's the point of therapy Sheldon: _you _working out _your _problems."

"It's always me, isn't it?" Sheldon muttered, not willing to admit that she was right.

"I'm afraid it is."

"Hmmphh. Very well then. My best friend Leonard and I have shared an apartment for ten years. Now he's getting married and he wants to move in with his fiancée. His room will be empty and the logical course of action would be to ask my girlfriend to move in with me" Sheldon recited, expecting her to nod in agreement.

She didn't.

"Why is that the logical course of action Sheldon?"

He blinked.

"I beg your pardon?"

"Why do you think you're expected to ask her to move in with you just because your roommate is moving out? Has she told you that's what she's expecting?" Dr. Edelstein queried, watching him stare at her bewilderedly.

"Ah.. wha-… I don't…" he stuttered, not knowing what to say. He remembered Amy coming over to hand over the Lego Millennium Falcon. She had told him that they could discuss living arrangements when he was ready.

"Well… technically, no" Sheldon admitted, still somewhat confused. Everybody else had told him he ought to ask Amy to move in with him, so why didn't Dr. Edelstein?

The good doctor, true to her habit, scribbled something in her notebook before returning to meet his gaze.

"Correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't it true that you and Amy have never been what you call a 'conventional' couple? You have always done things your own way, moving at your own pace. I see no reason as to why you should feel obliged to ask Amy to move in with you just because that's what you think others expect of you. The real question is: do you _want _her to move in with you?" she asked, looking at him with those deep brown eyes of hers. He noticed the Star of David glimmering beneath her collarbone, suddenly realizing he had never seen her without it.

Did he want Amy to move in with him? He had never really given it much thought. Amy certainly wanted to live with him, she had made that perfectly clear over the years. But he had only spent time going over why he _didn't _want to live with her. If she moved in, Leonard would have to move out. Panic. If she moved in, he would have to have sex with her. Panic. If she moved in, she'd notice just how bad his compulsions really were. Panic. If she moved in, she'd expect them to get married. Double-super-mega-tothepowerof100-panic.

But Leonard _was _moving out, and so far Sheldon hadn't perished. He and Amy _had _begun exploring a physical relationship, and things between them were better than ever. He had slowly begun taking control of his compulsions, and while things were far from good, they were certainly _better. _And as for getting married… well, he wasn't planning on breaking up with her anytime soon.

"Yes. Yes, I want her to live with me. Not right now, but within the foreseeable future" Sheldon declared, feeling sure of himself.

Dr. Edelstein nodded, shifting in her seat to try to find a more comfortable position, pushing her glasses up on top of her head.

"I think it's a very good, realistic goal Sheldon. I just need to know that you are aware of how difficult it can be to suddenly share not only an apartment, but also responsibilities. It can put a strain on the relationship" she told him, her voice soft and low.

"Leonard and I have lived together for almost a decade: I'm well aware of the negative side-effects of sharing living quarters" Sheldon snorted, thinking about all the time and hard work he had invested in molding Leonard into the perfect roommate – and still, he hadn't been 100% successful!

"Is that why you haven't asked her before? Because of the negative side-effects?" the good doctor inquired.

"No… No, Amy and I share many habits and interests, and hold each other in high regard both personally and professionally. Also, she thinks I'm cute" Sheldon declared, somewhat smugly. She'd have to put a gun against his head before she got him to admit it, but he really did enjoy Amy's compliments and intense adoration of him. He huffed and puffed about 'romantic nonsense' but those sweet comments of hers made his heart flutter.

"Sounds like she'd make for a great roommate then" Dr. Edelstein smiled.

"Yes... Yes she would" Sheldon admitted, nodding to himself.

Janet watched him clasp and unclasp his hands, the way he did when there was something he wanted to say but couldn't express with words. The deep creases on his forehead informed her that something was troubling him, and she thought she knew what it was that had the lanky physicist so bothered.

"It's not about her, isn't it?" she said softly, watching him sigh heavily where he sat, as so many times before.

"As you said doctor: it's always about me" Sheldon mumbled, looking down at his hands.

"You're right Sheldon… I did say that. I'm sorry, I didn't mean…"

"No" he interrupted her, startling her somewhat. "Don't apologize. I may not be the best at reading facial expressions or interpret subtext, but I know that you didn't mean anything by it" Sheldon declared hotly, suddenly tired of always being the one who was clueless, who had to carry around a bunch of cards to understand what the hell people were actually saying, who couldn't even understand when others were making fun of him because he didn't pick up on sarcasm.

She watched him clench the armrest with his hand, breathing heavily. He had a wild expression on his face, something she'd never seen before. Maybe he had come further than even she had realized.

Janet was quiet. Sheldon knew that she waited for him to continue. He licked his lips, trying to calm himself down.

"Amy would indeed make a great roommate" he began, his voice trembling. "I, however… am very difficult to live with" he exhaled, feeling the admission weigh on his shoulders.

"Don't you believe Amy is aware of that?" Dr. Edelstein asked, her voice and features void of accusation.

"She doesn't… she doesn't know everything" Sheldon confessed, fully aware that the good doctor knew him inside out, and yet he knew he would have to own up to everything before this session was over. It was the way it worked, he knew that. He hadn't spent all winter in therapy for nothing.

"Then tell me everything" Dr. Edelstein simply said, ready to accept his confession.

He drew a deep breath.

"I do want her to move in with me. I want for us to be together, all the time. I want to give her everything she's ever wanted. I don't want her to stay in Leonard's old room, I want her to stay in mine. I don't want to deny her anything just because I'm… because I'm not like other men."

It just poured out of him. He couldn't have stopped it even if he wanted to.

"What if I ask her to move in with me" he continued, his hands shaking violently, "and she thinks it means she can have all that… and I… I'll never be able to give it to her?"

He finally exhaled, suddenly realizing that he was nearly empty. There wasn't that much in there left to confess. He had voiced his concerns, told her over and over about his troubles, worked them through until his heart and head ached, until his tongue was dry and his lungs were devoid of air. 'This is coming to an end' he thought. 'I will have to make it on my own soon'.

"We have worked together for many months now Sheldon, and I feel confident enough to say this: it's all in your head. I haven't met Amy but from what you have told me she is a highly intelligent, strong, independent woman, fully capable of making her own decisions. If she couldn't put up with your quirks and antics, she would have left you a long time ago. You need to have faith in her. The two of you will work it out together, I'm sure of it. But you need to start communicating with her" Dr. Edelstein lectured, finally letting him now that he couldn't postpone this any longer.

Sheldon blinked.

"'Communicating'?" he asked, not liking the sound of that word.

"Yes Sheldon. As in 'talking'" Janet gently informed him.

Sheldon groaned.

"Doctor, you know I'm not very good at this whole 'talking'-business…"

"Oh Sheldon, if it's one thing I've learned during these past few months, it's that _talking _is what you do best."


	20. Chapter 20

**A/N: I still can't believe I've gotten over 200 reviews for this story. I could never have hoped for so many wonderful readers and followers. It seems only right I should post chapter 20 tonight. Now, if your question for this chapter is 'Why now?', my answer is: 'I like even numbers'. =)**

**All hail the Shamy!**

**\- YlvaBorealis **

* * *

They had never gone this long without talking.

Not that Sheldon hadn't_ tried_ to train Leonard not to bring up all his petty little problems while they were working, but so far he had been unable to find a method that was 100 % effective.

But tonight as they were waiting for their guests and Chinese takeout the atmosphere in the room was pregnant with unspoken words and unaddressed issues. Leonard was busy typing on his laptop, ignoring Sheldon who was rubbing his temples in a fatal attempt to stop the thoughts that were swirling around in that big head of his from breaking out through his cranial wall. They hammered at it, laughing at him as he was softly groaning with pain, clawing their way out to play havoc with his carefully constructed white lies.

He stole a glance at Leonard out of the corner of his eye, mapping the familiar black curls and the slightly stubbly chin. The horizontally challenged experimental physicist was still typing away, pretending his lanky roommate wasn't there. Even though things between them were almost back to normal there was an awkward tension in the room: a sense of discomfort that hadn't been there before.

For once in his life Sheldon knew exactly what was wrong.

Leonard was the closest thing to a partner he had ever had. In his 35-year old life, this was the first truly intimate relationship he had ever been in. They shared an apartment, a brotherly bond, a sense of alienation from the rest of the world where none of them had managed to find their place no matter how hard they tried. Well, to be honest Sheldon hadn't been trying very hard, but Leonard certainly had.

They constantly butted heads, but in the end they always returned to each other for comfort, knowing that when all was said and done, all they had was each other. Leonard was always there to guide him through that viscous sea that was social interaction, much like Amy was nowadays.

This was his best friend. The one he always returned to when no one else could set things right. The first person outside of his family that he had ever loved. The first person who had ever loved him back.

And he was heartbroken because Sheldon had stopped sharing his troubles with him.

Sheldon sighed, deciding there was no point in trying to get any work done. He turned off his laptop, leaning back in his chair as the screen went black.

The problem was he didn't know where to begin. 'Hey Leonard…buddy… Guess what?' – 'Uhm, Leonard, here's the deal…' – 'Leonard, you were right all along. I am crazy'.

There really was no right way of doing this.

"Leonard" he started, thinking it was all he had for the moment. His dark-haired friend turned away from what he was doing, trying to look casual.

"Yes?" he said, raking his fingers through his hair.

Sheldon licked his lips, anxiously brushing his hands across the surface of his desk. Leonard noticed his discomfort, instantly realizing that Sheldon might finally be ready to talk. The look on his face softened, and he searched his mind for something to say, something that would break the awkward tension.

"Was there something you wanted to discuss?" Leonard finally let out, beating himself up internally for sounding so cold and clinical.

Sheldon opened his mouth, only to close it again. This was so incredibly difficult. There was no way to predict the outcome: would Leonard be angry? Hurt? Indifferent?

There was only one way of finding out.

"If I… tell you something…" he began, his voice quivering. "Would you… I mean, if it was something… something really big… would you still be my friend?" Sheldon finished, feeling his heart threaten to break out of his chest.

He wanted so badly to pull out his deck of cards right now. He had absolutely no idea what the look on Leonard's face meant.

"Sheldon… I'm really sorry if I have said something that would lead you to believe I wouldn't still be your friend. I mean, I've lived with you for ten years and I'm still around, right?" Leonard replied, trying to shoot off a comforting smile at Sheldon.

He expected a biting remark in return, something along the lines of '_You've _put up with _me_?', but it never came.

Sheldon fidgeted in his seat, not returning Leonard's smile. This was it. He had to tell Leonard the truth. For a second he thought he was going to throw up: the anxiety was that intense. But Leonard needed to know, _deserved _to know. He couldn't postpone this any longer.

"Leonard, I…" Sheldon began, his body jerking as someone pounded on the front door, effectively interrupting him. 'Why now?' he asked that deity he didn't believe in. 'You couldn't have waited one minute? One tiny minute?'

The look of exasperation (that one he had memorized) on Leonard's face told him he too cursed internally. It seemed none of them could catch a break.

"Come in!" Leonard called out, rising from his chair to greet their guests. Sheldon got up too, making his way over to the kitchen to get cutlery and bottles of water, wondering if perhaps he should just let this go.

The smell of moo shoo pork and Kung Pao chicken wafted through the apartment, and the pleasant chatter of friends and loved ones echoed against the walls.

Amy sat down next to Sheldon, smiling at him as she handed over his tangerine chicken, and he found himself smiling back. Their last sleep over had been nothing short of wonderful: they had spent half the night kissing and talking, sharing their dreams and fantasies. Sheldon had told her he imagined her slowly undressing in front of him, and Amy had explained to him just what she had meant all those years ago when she'd asked him to kiss her 'where she'd never been kissed before'. His voice had been shaking as he asked her to describe it to him over and over again, while they reached for each other in the dark, both of them shivering in each other's arms as they finished together. It was strange how their bond only seemed to deepen the more they learned about each other, the more they exposed themselves to one another.

"I had a great time last night" Amy said, biting her bottom lip coyly. Her voice was soft and mellow, barely audible over the noise that was their friends' chatter. Sheldon didn't reply, but he shot her that look that meant he had enjoyed himself too. That look that was just for her.

"Aww, look at the Shamy being all lovey-dovey!" Penny cooed, earning her an eye roll from Sheldon and an embarrassed smile from Amy.

"They have been kinda sweet with each other lately, haven't they?" Bernadette joined in, her shrill voice causing Sheldon to twitch.

"Excuse me, but I don't think it's polite to talk about people as if they're not there" Sheldon lectured, somewhat resentfully.

"What do you know about what's polite and not?" Penny giggled, taking a sip of her wine while simultaneously shoveling fried noodles into her mouth.

"That wasn't very nice Penny" Amy let out, a piqued expression on her face.

"Oh come on people, chill!" Raj, called out, effectively putting an end to the discussion. Not to say that his interference was particularly well received, but still.

"Guys, guys, there's something I need to ask you" he continued, finishing his last bite of Chop suey. "Since we kicked the Geology Department's _asses _in paintball last week they have asked for a rematch. I need to know that everyone is available this Friday".

Sheldon looked up, suddenly feeling cold, as if a wave of water had hit him. He could feel Amy tense up next to him, and Leonard squirmed in his seat. 'They both know' Sheldon thought. 'They know everything and yet they know nothing'.

"Count me in!" Howard called out happily, looking at Sheldon and Leonard.

_Oh dear. Whatever you do, remain calm. Just say no. I won't drown, it's impossible, there's no water in here…_

"I'm afraid I am… otherwise engaged on Friday" Sheldon declared, trying to focus on his tangerine chicken. It suddenly seemed thick and sticky, as if one bite would choke him.

_Keep your head above water, keep your head above water, I can't drown, it's impossible…_

"Oh, right, I forgot you're always 'busy' on Fridays" Raj let out sadly, doing quotation marks with his fingers.

"You know, I've been wondering for months now just what you're doing ever-ouuuwww!" Penny cried out as Leonard jabbed her in the side with his elbow.

"What was that for?" she whined, rubbing her tender ribs.

"Shut up, I'll tell you later" Leonard let out through gritted teeth.

"As I told you, I'm otherwise engaged" Sheldon repeated, trying to keep his voice steady.

_Oh God, I can't keep treading water, I can't keep my head up, please don't let me drown, please…_

"You know, I've wondered where it is you're going every Tuesday and Friday. If it were anyone else I'd say you were two-timing Amy but that's about as likely as a comet falling down on your head and putting us all out of our misery" Howard smirked, bumping Raj's fist.

_It's in my lungs now, oh God I can't breathe, please someone help me…_

"Howard, please" Leonard begged, watching his friend grow more and more agitated.

"Howie, that wasn't very nice, you should apologize to Sheldon" Bernadette told her husband, feeling the atmosphere grow tense, sensing all eyes were on Sheldon, who looked pale and clammy.

_I'm sinking… How strange that your emerald eyes seem sapphire blue from below…_

"Come on Bernie, it was all in good fun" Howard told his wife, not noticing how Sheldon had begun hyperventilating.

_I'm going to die here at the bottom of the ocean… I never imagined drowning being like this…_

"Please Howard, just let it go" Bernadette repeated, uncomfortable with how the mood had suddenly changed.

_Up, up, I need to find my way back up, please just let me break the surface…_

"What? I just asked what we've all been wondering these past few months? Where has he been?" Howard asked, looking around at his friends.

"IN THERAPY!" Sheldon yelled, slamming down his plate, causing everyone to jump in their seats.

Everything and everyone went completely quiet. Penny's eyes were the size of saucers, Raj and Emily were holding on to each other for dear life, Bernadette was looking down at her hands seemingly ashamed, and Howard's mouth hung open, as if he couldn't quite believe what had just happened.

"Sheldon…" Leonard began, reaching out for his friend.

"No!" Sheldon cried out, pushing himself up from his spot, pacing back and forth in front of his friends as he manically recited facts and numbers in his head, feeling his entire existence shatter into pieces.

"You wanted to know the truth… well, here's the truth: I've been seeing a psychiatrist. Yes I, the great Sheldon Cooper, have been seeing a shrink" he ranted, oblivious to the looks on his friends' faces, still pacing back and forth, still reciting facts.

"Sweetie, we're sorry…" Penny began, and Sheldon turned to her, his eyes bloodshot.

"You're 'sorry'? Sorry for WHAT? For making it so blatantly obvious that there's something wrong with me? Well, you were right, there really is… I'm manic. I have Obsessive Compulsive Disorder. It took me almost three months of therapy before I could even consider letting my girlfriend touch me without having a panic attack. When I was six years old I caught my father in the act with his mistress and I still think of it sometimes. I'm annoying, compulsive, immature, chronically anxiety-ridden, and I CAN'T SWIM!" he yelled, grabbing his messenger bag and windbreaker on his way out the apartment, slamming the door behind him.

His friends were completely dumb-struck, unable to process what had just happened. No one had the energy to blame the other for driving Sheldon to the point of breaking.

Sheldon flew down the stairs, not caring where he was going. He only knew he needed to get out, now, before the Universe vaporized.

It wasn't until he was out the door that he realized that Amy hadn't said anything.

* * *

**A/N2: Cliffhangeeeeeeeeer!**


	21. Chapter 21

**A/N: Ducklings... did you really think I'd leave you hanging for long? You know me better than that =) I admit, I had to work hard in order to finish this chapter today, but as us Swedes say: where there's will, there's hope! I was convinced I'd get mixed reviews for chapter 20 (I am so happy I managed to shock you though, I'd hate for this fic to be predictable) but you were soooo sweet... I hope you enjoy chapter 21! (don't be alarmed if I don't update daily, I do have to work like everybody else, haha!) You know what you want: SHAMY! Again, let me hear it: SHAMY!**

**\- YlvaB**

* * *

She hadn't said anything. Why hadn't she said anything?

The wind was whipping at his cheeks as he made his way down the streets of Pasadena, causing them to redden. It was spring in Southern California, and yet the temperature was still low, and the wind still relentless. He couldn't recall it ever being this cold since he'd moved here from Galveston.

He didn't know where he was going: he just knew he couldn't go back home. Nothing had gone according to plan. He wasn't sure he'd had a plan to begin with but he knew that whatever had just happened in his living room, it was NOT how he'd pictured telling Amy.

Sheldon felt angry tears burn behind his eyelids, and he wiped them off with the back of his hand. Normally he would have stopped to get a paper tissue from his messenger bag but at the moment he couldn't have cared less. What difference did an amalgamation of water, salt, and enzymes do anyway? It used to be a huge deal, but now it seemed so _trivial. _

She hadn't said anything. She hadn't cried, she hadn't yelled, she hadn't even _spoken. _

He whipped out his deck of cards from his back pocket, his hands trembling as he browsed through them, trying to find the right card to explain the look on Amy's face. No, that wasn't it. Not that either. It could have been that one but he wasn't sure. Which one was it? Which one? Which one, which one, WHICH ONE?!

"I can't do this!" Sheldon cried out, angrily throwing away the deck of cards, scattering them across the street.

"Oh dear" he mumbled to himself as he saw the red cards against the grey pavement. Some were turned upside down, others were looking at him with those little dots that Amy had drawn to represent eyes. Amy. Amy had made these cards for him.

"Oh…" he gasped, awkwardly bending down to pick up the cards. His brain was itching so bad he wanted to tear it out of his cranium, but the urge was too strong. He had to pick them up. Closing his eyes for a second, he thought of what he'd learned during his CBT-sessions.

"Nothing bad is going to happen, it's just dirt. Nothing bad is going to happen if I pick them up and brush them off. Nothing bad is going to happen if they're not in order. Oh dear" he recited to himself as he cautiously picked up each card, brushing off the dirt from the pavement with his fingers, cringing as he felt tiny grains of sand scratch his hands.

As he got back up on his feet and put the deck of cards back in his pocket, he looked around to see where he was. Curiously enough, his feet seemed to have taken him to the bus stop.

Back at Sheldon's and Leonard's apartment the atmosphere was chaotic, at best. Bernadette was chewing Howard's head off, Raj and Emily were awkwardly offering to help with whatever needed to be done, Leonard was trying to reach Sheldon on the phone, and Penny was trying to comfort an inconsolable Amy who had been crying non-stop ever since Sheldon had stormed out of the apartment.

"What were you thinking, asking him that?" Bernadette yelled at her husband, who was scratching his hair trying to come up with something to say that would slow down the hurricane that was his wife.

"I'm sorry, I didn't know he was gonna do that! I thought he was building some secret fortress or something, I didn't know he'd been in therapy" Howard cried out, the sound of Amy sobbing in the background cutting through his ears like a chainsaw. He really hadn't meant for this to happen.

"Everybody _please _be quiet, I'm trying to get a hold on Sheldon on the phone!" Leonard called out, motioning with his hand for everybody to shush.

"Amy, please don't cry…sweetie? Please. I'm sure it will be alright" Penny mumbled into Amy's ear, trying to ease her quirky friend who was still shaking in her arms, hot tears wetting Penny's shoulder.

"I'm sorry" Amy sobbed, wiping her nose with the back of her hand. "I just… it wasn't meant to happen like this. What if he runs away again?"

Penny rubbed her back, resting her cheek against the top of Amy's head.

"Nooo, no Ames… I don't think he'll run away again. Leonard has that tracking-thing on his phone, we'll find him for sure… Wait, what do you mean 'it wasn't meant to happen like this'?"

Amy hiccupped, and reached for one of the napkins that were scattered across the table.

"I know he was trying to find a way to tell me" she let out, making a loud, trumpeting sound as she blew her nose, "he just… he just wasn't ready yet".

"What, wait… you knew?" Leonard asked as he hung up the phone for the third time, unable to reach his lanky friend.

Amy cocked her head to the side, a confused look on her face.

"I'm sorry Leonard, you'll have to be more specific. Are you referring to the fact that Sheldon has been seeing a psychiatrist or the part where he's been diagnosed with Obsessive Compulsive Disorder?"

For the second time that night, the entire room went completely silent. Amy suddenly felt self-conscious: hadn't anyone put two and two together? Was she the only one?

Leonard shook his head, trying to collect his thoughts.

"Uh… let's assume I'm talking about the whole enchilada. How long have you known?" he stuttered, suddenly feeling silly for not having guessed the truth. He'd been living with the man for ten years damnit, he should have figured it out. He shouldn't just have figured it out: he should have helped him, not accused him of keeping secrets. It didn't matter that he had declared his love and support for Sheldon: he still felt guilty.

Amy looked around the room at her friends, uncomfortable with being the center of attention. Maybe it wasn't such a good idea to share her troubles with them… But she had carried this inside of her for so long, she didn't think she could keep it in any longer.

"I've known about his OCD since I first met him… I'm a neurobiologist after all, it was quite obvious from the beginning… As for his therapy sessions… I have to admit I was completely clueless in the beginning. I didn't know what to make of it. As Howard said: had it been anyone else I would have thought he was seeing someone else. But I noticed he'd started taking control of his compulsions, and then there was that… other thing…" she declared, her voice drifting off at that last sentence.

Penny's eyebrows flew up to her hairline.

"Wait, you're not saying…?"

Amy looked away, blushing furiously. "I shouldn't have said that… I promised Sheldon it would just be between him and me" she stammered, wishing she would have just kept her mouth shut.

"I'm sorry, I'm gonna need details: just what does 'that other thing' mean?" Penny asked, completely oblivious to Amy's discomfort.

"I…" Amy begun, her heart racing and her bottom lip trembling.

"Shhh, guys, he's picking up!" Leonard called out, effectively putting a stop to what would have been a very awkward interrogation.

'Saved by the bell' Amy thought, desperately hoping Sheldon was picking up because he was on his way back home.

"Hello? Sheldon?" Leonard said, making his way over to the kitchen as he once again motioned for his friends to be quiet.

'Please don't be scared' Amy thought. 'Just come home'.

He wrapped his arms around his body, trying to shield himself from the cold. Really, what was wrong with the climate? This was Southern California, he shouldn't have to be sitting here at the bus stop with numb fingers and a runny nose. His phone had been vibrating in his pocket for the past twenty minutes, but he couldn't bring himself to pick it up. If he picked it up, the entire ordeal in the living room would become reality, something he had to face at one point or another.

Amy had been quiet. His girlfriend: the woman he loved, had been completely silent.

He almost wished she would have yelled at him… Hell, she could have _hit _him and that would have felt better than what he felt at the moment. There just was no making sense of it.

Suddenly, his pant leg started vibrating again. Leonard. Sheldon sighed, knowing that sooner or later he would have to answer his calls. He couldn't run away for 45 days again, that he knew for sure. Amy had been furious the first time: he wasn't sure she would stick around should he repeat his stunt.

Reluctantly he picked up his phone, sliding his thumb across the screen.

"Yes?" he said, closing his eyes for a second, clutching his hand over his heart.

"Sheldon? It's Leonard" his friend said, his voice sounding agitated and relieved at the same time.

Sheldon rolled his eyes.

"I know it's you, your name pops up on the screen when you call" he snorted, shaking his head to himself.

"…Right. I should have thought of that" Leonard admitted, feeling silly.

Sheldon swallowed, drawing a deep breath.

"What do you want Leonard?" he asked, rubbing his temple, feeling a massive headache building up behind his left eye.

Leonard didn't reply right away and for a brief second, Sheldon thought he'd lost the connection.

At last, Leonard spoke, his voice reflecting the dull ache in his heart.

"Sheldon… we're really sorry. We didn't mean to back you into a corner: it wasn't our place to force you to tell us what you do with your spare time. Howard is devastated: he really didn't mean anything by it. Please… please don't run away again. Come home" Leonard pleaded with Sheldon.

Home? How could he ever return home? He would have to face all the people he had done wrong, explain why he had been lying all winter, tell Amy these changes wasn't his doing…

Amy.

"How is Amy?" Sheldon demanded to know, ignoring Leonard's plea.

"She's alright Sheldon. She's just scared that you'll disappear again" Leonard let out. "Do you want to talk to her?"

He wanted nothing more than to hear her voice. He wanted to hear her say it was alright, that she didn't blame him for not telling her, that she didn't care that he'd been forced to seek help. But right now it was just too difficult. He wasn't sure he'd stay intact should he talk to her… That sweet, deep, mellow voice of hers could turn him into a puddle of liquid even on a good day, and right now things were really, really bad. He was drowning in a sea of insecurity, desperately trying to fend off the compulsions that were eating at him, waiting for him to slowly perish so they could round up for the left-overs. His body and mind was disintegrating: he couldn't deal with her sadness, her disappointment, her love. Not right now.

"I can't Leonard… not right now" he stammered, biting at his lower lip to keep it from quivering.

"She really wants to talk to you Sheldon".

"I know… I… I really want to talk to her too. But there is something I need to do first".

"You're not running away again, are you? Please don't do that to her".

"I'm not running away again, I promise. There's just… I just can't make sense of anything".

"Then come home and let us help you make sense of it".

"There's nothing you can do. Please Leonard... I can't deal with this right now".

He heard his friend sigh at the other end of the line.

"Do you promise you will come back home?"

"I promise".

"Please hurry".

"I will".

He hung up, staring at the screen for a second before he began browsing through his phonebook, searching for that number he'd been given in case of emergency.

"Hello, Dr. Edelstein? I need to come see you right away. I've ruined everything".


	22. Chapter 22

**A/N: God, I kinda feel like Agatha Christie with this story! It's fun to see you guys speculate on what will happen next =) Now this chapter... God, it was so hard to write. Not because I didn't know what should happen because I did... But it was sooo important that I got it right. I hope I did. Happy Friday my little ducklings, I hope you like the 22nd installment in this great coming of age tale!**

**\- YlvaBorealis**

* * *

She would be 51 next year.

Turning 51 doesn't exactly differ from turning 50. Fewer people call to congratulate you. No one bothers to get you presents. To be fair, they don't really expect you to throw a party either so that kind of evens itself out.

No, Janet didn't expect any significant changes this year either. The changes had come gradually, sneaking up on her when she least suspected it.

Something she _had _noticed was that she didn't nearly have as much energy these days as she'd had when she was younger. It was 6 pm and she already felt like getting ready for bed: ten years ago, she would have looked forward to a few hours of reading, possibly some chardonnay, or an interesting documentary on Discovery World.

As it was now, she was waiting for Sheldon Cooper to arrive for an emergency session.

She didn't know what to expect when she opened the door to let him in, but from the look on his face she could tell it was something big.

"Sheldon" she let out, ushering him in as she saw the fire in his eyes and the pallor of his skin. The lanky physicist was trembling as she helped him sit down in his usual spot.

"Can I get you anything? Water? Tea? Coffee?" Dr. Edelstein asked, pointing to a trolley next to that titan of a desk that seemed to take up a third of the room.

"Tea. I'd like some tea" Sheldon mumbled, absent-mindedly removing his messenger bag and windbreaker, neatly folding the items next to him on the couch. Tea…Tea was good. He drew comfort from the fact that Dr. Edelstein was familiar with the custom of offering your guest a hot beverage in times of distress.

"Milk? Sugar?" the good doctor asked as she filled up the electric kettle, flicking the button and skimming through tea bags in search for a blend that might help calm his nerves.

"I'm a scientist, doctor, not a hippie" Sheldon replied, still staring out into nothingness.

Dr. Edelstein blinked.

"Sooooo… plain?" she asked tentatively.

"Yes of course plain" Sheldon told her, rubbing his temple for what seemed like the hundredth time that evening.

"Hmm" the brunette therapist hummed, making herself a black cup of coffee. She had a feeling she would need it.

Sheldon watched her as she finished preparing their drinks, his eyes following her every step as she sat down right opposed to him, taking a sip of her coffee. He wrapped his hands around his teacup, softly sighing as the warmth seeped through his fingers. It spread up through his arms, into his chest, finally finding its way to his heart. He instantly felt better.

Dr. Edelstein watched him as the color slowly returned to his cheeks. Her father had taught her everything she knew about the human psyche, but it was her mother who had revealed the secrets of the human heart. Sometimes something as simple as a hug or a mug of cocoa could be worth just as much as months of therapy.

"Do you feel like talking now?" she softly asked, picking up her pencil and notebook.

Sheldon nodded.

"Yes… yes I think I'd like to talk now".

"Then tell me what happened tonight. What was so bad that you felt the need to call me and ask for an emergency session?" Dr. Edelstein queried, telling him in voice and body that she was there, that she'd catch him should he fall.

Sheldon closed his eyes for a second, feeling empty inside. He had worked so hard only for it to end like this. He didn't know what he'd come home to. He didn't know what he'd had to face once he returned back to the apartment. All he knew was that he'd lost control and now everything was ruined.

"I… I lost it during dinner tonight. All… all of my friends and revered acquaintances were there, and… Amy. They were taunting me about my recurring absence from communal activities… They… They said if it were anyone else they'd think I was cheating on my girlfriend, and… I just blanked. I told them everything, right there and then" Sheldon confessed, feeling his words hitting him like a ton of bricks. Now it was out in the open. He really had said it.

"Was that a bad thing? Telling your friends?"

Sheldon stared at her, not believing what he'd just heard.

"How can you ask me that? Don't you see everything is smashed into pieces? I've been keeping my girlfriend and my best friend in the dark for _months _now and then I go and do this? It wasn't supposed to happen like this, it just came out of me… And Amy was quiet the whole time. What does that mean doctor? Why didn't she say anything? Oh God, I've ruined it, haven't I….?" he whimpered, burying his face in his hands. It was too much, too much change, too much pain, too much to handle. Why had he lost control? What would she think of him now? He never lied and yet he'd managed to keep this from her for days, weeks, months… Oh, it was a disaster!

"Sheldon… why would everything be ruined? What is it you believe awaits you when you return home?" Dr. Edelstein asked gently, feeling her heart ache as she witnessed his pain and distress.

Sheldon still kept his face hidden in his hands, pressing his palms against his eyes. Odd, geometrical figures began swirling in front of him, as if he was looking into a kaleidoscope. They were all shapes and colors: green, purple, red, yellow… He concentrated on those figures, finding the sight of them oddly soothing. It was almost as if they lulled him into a trance.

"I've let her down" he mumbled, still looking at those figures. "I couldn't even sit down and tell her. They had to pull it out of me. What will she think of me now?"

Janet took a large swig of coffee, putting the cup down on the pristine coffee table, sensing that there was no easy way out of this. He didn't need her gentle guidance anymore: he needed answers.

"Sheldon" she began, putting away her notebook and pencil, deciding it was time they had a talk just the two of them, without charts and notes and templates. "I need to ask you something, and I need an answer, straight from your heart".

Slowly, the lanky physicist pulled his hands away from his face. He gently cocked his head to the side, arching one of those thick, dark eyebrows of his, wondering just what she was up to now.

"Does Amy love you?" Janet asked, her brown eyes meeting his blue gaze.

He wasn't sure what he had expected her to say, but it certainly wasn't this. What was she getting at? Why did she need to know that? Of course Amy loved him, she had told him so.

"Yes, she loves me" he replied confusedly.

"How do you know?" the therapist pressed on.

"Because she told me so? Really doctor, I don't see the point of this…"

"Don't bother about the 'point' Sheldon, just answer the question: how do you know Amy loves you? What makes you so sure? And I don't just mean because she 'told you so': tell me why you know. What does your heart tell you?" Dr. Edelstein exhaled, still looking at him with those deep brown eyes.

'What did his heart tell him?'

He'd never heard anything quite so romantically silly in his entire life. It was so corny he felt like getting up and leave the premises, and tell her to keep the money, he didn't need it anyway.

And yet he couldn't resist thinking about it. How did he know Amy loved him?

"I know she loves me because… she never asks me for more than I can give… Even if it means she has to give up on something she wants. Everyone else makes fun of me for… for being different and for having difficulties… But she tries to help me. I never have to explain why I am the way I am to her, she just… knows. She wants to live with me even though everybody else think I'm annoying and… and she has stayed, even though I've done things that should have driven her away" Sheldon told her, his heart suddenly aching for the emerald-eyed neurobiologist. He desperately wished she'd been there, to hold him, comfort him, kiss away his pain and cradle him to her bosom, like a mother who rocked her infant to sleep against her breast.

"And do you love her?" the brunette therapist exhaled, holding her breath as something clicked within the tall, socially awkward man she'd come to consider not only her favorite client but also something akin to a friend… A pupil, a protégé… Someone she genuinely cared about.

Sheldon held his breath too. He thought of Amy's forest green eyes and her low, husky voice… He thought of the sharpness of her mind, of the times when she'd made him look like a fool… He thought of her refusal to bend to his will, her refusal to let him get his way when he was being thick-headed and obstinate… He thought of all the times she had proved him wrong. He thought of kisses that tasted of chocolate, and he thought of hands that brought him to heights he could only have dreamt of. She was there, she was everywhere: in his blood, on his tongue, in his heart, in that vast, everlasting continuum that was the Universe.

"More than anything" he whispered, knowing it was true.

"Then why would anything but acceptance await you once you return home?" Dr. Edelstein asked, taking off her glasses as she poured all of her care and compassion into her voice, her skin, her eyes.

"But none of this was my doing… I was weak, I couldn't do this on my own" he quivered, still not believing the answer was that simple.

"None of this was your doing? Sheldon, you need to stop and think of everything you have accomplished! When I met you all those weeks ago you were obsessed with the fact that I was 2.43 minutes late to our session. You couldn't even _imagine _being intimate with Amy without having a breakdown. Since we began working together you have successfully initiated a physical relationship with your girlfriend, you have taken control of a great portion of your compulsions, and you have come to terms with your ambivalent relationship with your father. You were brave enough to admit defeat and ask for help. Do you know just how many people there are out there who never take that step? They spend their entire lives dealing with their issues themselves, without ever finding a solution to their problems. You were prepared to do anything, even put your trust in the _humanities _in order to give yourself to Amy completely. How is that not your doing?" Janet cried out, desperate to make him understand just how much he had done, how incredibly brave he had been to put himself out there, to give himself over to a stranger. She wanted for him to understand, _needed _for him to understand.

"I did all that?" Sheldon stammered, shocked at her outburst.

"YES Sheldon. YOU! You did all that!" his therapist confirmed, spreading out her arms in a desperate gesture.

"Oh…" he stated flatly, finding himself at a loss of words.

"Sheldon… you need to go home and talk to Amy. All your worries, all these irrational fears… It's all in your head. Amy didn't say anything because you didn't let her. She was probably in shock, just as you were right afterwards. If you felt like you'd have a nervous breakdown, imagine what _she _felt like. Nothing bad will happen Sheldon. Just talk to her. Talk to Leonard. It will be alright" Dr. Edelstein insisted, needing him to know that everything would be alright.

Sheldon looked around, licking his lips as he tried to come up with something to say.

"This office… It doesn't suit you" he finally let out, voicing that thought that had been nagging at him ever since he'd first entered this relic of an office all those weeks ago.

"It was my father's" Janet softly replied.

"Was he a psychiatrist too?"

"The best".

"Was he proud that you followed in his footsteps?"

"I inherited his office and profession out of necessity. I was an only child".

"What happened?"

"He would have preferred a son but he was satisfied as long as I adhered to his wishes and demands".

"Did something go wrong?"

"Let's just say I wasn't who he thought I was".

Sheldon fidgeted in his seat, searching for something to say, realizing all had been said and done.

"I should go home and talk to Amy" he finally let out, his voice calm and his heart beating normally in his chest. It was all in his head. He had already overcome his fears.

"Yes you should" Dr. Edelstein agreed, rising from her seat to escort him out the door.

Just as he was about to leave, he remembered something. Slowly he turned around, stretching out his right hand.

"Thank you Janet" he let out softly, as he shook the psychiatrist's hand.

"Go home now Sheldon" Janet said, squeezing his hand before she let it go.

Sheldon nodded, and made his way out the door.


	23. Chapter 23

**A/N: I'm posting this chapter early today, as I'm going to a concert this evening and won't have time to update. Depending on where you live in the world this might seem as a double update - if you haven't yet read chapter 22, go back and do that before you read this! As always: thanks for all the wonderful reviews, and a special thanks to all you girls and boys over at the TBBT forum who welcomed me with open arms yesterday! I'm so glad to finally join your gang! Now, on to the story: Who do we love? SHAMY! Who do we want? SHAMY! **

**\- YlvaBorealis **

* * *

He had left his therapist's office feeling almost like a super hero: powerful, unstoppable, larger than life. But as he climbed the stairs to his apartment he felt himself grow more and more agitated with each step. The last time he ran away from confrontation he'd been gone for five weeks – this time he'd only been away for three hours. His friends might still be in the apartment, awaiting his arrival. Not that he'd called to announce his home-coming, but one had to be realistic. He had promised Leonard not to disappear after all.

What if they all ran up to embrace him? All those hands, touching his arms, his chest, his face… Those voices asking him questions he didn't know how to answer – 'Where have you been Sheldon?' and 'Why haven't you told us Sheldon?' and 'How come you ran away again Sheldon?' – and him, falling to the ground, curling into a ball as if that would protect him from the overwhelming weight that was their compassion, their pity, their care.

But he had already drowned, and somehow, he'd made it back up again. He was here after all: outside of his front door. The keys to the lock were in his hand. Whatever awaited him in there, it couldn't be worse than staring into Amy's sapphire blue eyes as he slowly sank through that relentless sea that was anxiety. It couldn't be worse than knowing those eyes appeared to be blue because she was above the surface and he was beneath it.

Sighing heavily, he put the key in the lock, smiling to himself as it clicked when he turned it around. That sound was still so satisfying.

'Here come the hugs and the questions' he thought as he opened the door and stepped inside his apartment, bracing himself for impact.

There were no hugs. There were no questions.

Curiously, he looked around, realizing the dim lit apartment was completely void of people. Except for a small, dark figure that was curled up in his spot on the couch.

"Amy" Sheldon gasped, feeling a cold, invisible hand clench his heart. She looked so small and fragile sitting there alone, her shoes neatly placed on the rug beneath the sofa, a cold cup of tea standing forgotten on the coffee table.

She turned to him, and he noticed her cheeks were slightly puffy, and in the blueish light from the TV he could make out a slight redness in her eyes. He was pretty sure she'd been crying but he refrained from pulling out his cards to double-check.

"You're sad" he let out, putting down his messenger bag and windbreaker on the floor, dropping his keys in the bowl.

"I was" Amy said, turning away to stare at the flicking images in front of her. Her voice was thin, more like a draw of breath, and he was unable to make out any layers that could have helped him determine what state of mind she was in.

Slowly, he approached her, taking a seat next to her. He held his breath as she turned to look at him again, still wearing that blank expression on her face.

'Yell at me' Sheldon begged internally. 'Slap me across the face. Tell me you hate me. Break up with me, kick me out of your life, tell me you never want to see me again… Just please don't cry…'

She did neither.

Gently, without a word, without asking for permission, she opened her arms and wrapped them around him, pulling him to her. He closed his eyes as she cradled him to her chest, resting her cheek against the top of his head.

At last he let out the breath he'd been holding, allowing himself to wallow in her softness and warmth. He didn't know what this meant but he knew it made him feel better. He could feel her hot breath against his hair, and hear her heartbeats, even through three layers of clothing. Her breast was pressed against his ear.

Sheldon didn't know if he was scared, or calm, or aroused. It was possible he was a little bit of everything.

"Where is everyone?" he asked, deciding to break the silence.

"I told them to go home. Leonard and Penny wanted to stay but I needed to be alone. Leonard said the two of you will talk after your therapy session tomorrow" Amy replied, softly stroking his hair as she held him to her.

Sheldon cringed at her words. Leonard. Therapy. It was so strange to hear her say it, after having kept the truth from her for so long. He had almost convinced himself his outburst had been nothing but a bad dream.

"It's okay Sheldon. He's not angry" Amy assured him, as if she had read his thoughts.

He burrowed his head into her soft bosom, needing to stay there for just one more minute. Amy's clothes smelled of laundry soap and that perfume of hers… and something else, something sweetly feminine that he'd noticed that time all those years ago, when he had comforted her much like she comforted him now. She had told him she was upset and craved human contact and he had given in, for reasons he hadn't yet understood at the time. That scent had enticed him, filling him with a sense of wonder. He remembered thinking that maybe she smelled that way because she was a woman. He had felt that burning knot at the small of his back at that thought, swallowing hard as he tightened his grip around her.

Slowly, he pulled away from her, quietly looking into her eyes as he licked his lips nervously.

"Are you?" he whispered, deciding that he couldn't postpone this conversation any longer. He just wanted to get it over with.

Amy cocked her head to the side, and the wave of emotions that rippled over her dark features was almost too much for him to bear. He blinked, trying to focus on a spot on the wall to the left of her ear.

"I have to confess I was completely baffled by your outburst earlier… I hadn't really expected it to come out quite like that… And for a brief second I was sad and hurt… But I knew you didn't mean for me to find out like this, and I just couldn't blame you for losing control… I know it must have been a heavy cross to bear alone" Amy told him, never taking her eyes off of him.

Sheldon looked down, trying to swallow that lump in his throat.

"So you knew?" he mumbled, feeling silly for thinking she wouldn't have figured it out eventually.

"Not at first. In the beginning I thought you were really working late… or that you just needed some time alone. But after I while I realized that while it was possible that you were avoiding me, it was highly unlikely that you weren't at liberty to speak of what you were working on. I know you're not allowed to work on classified projects".

Sheldon scrunched his nose.

"Does _everybody _know that?" he complained, miffed that he wasn't quite as enigmatic as he had thought he was.

"Every single person on this planet up to, and including, the Pope" Amy confirmed, unable to resist smiling.

"Hmmpphh" Sheldon huffed, not amused by her snidely remark.

Amy sighed, knowing there was no easy way to do this, but she wasn't about to let it go. No, she wasn't angry, and no she didn't blame him, but she had been nothing but patient and supportive. She deserved some answers.

"Sheldon, listen… I wasn't lying when I told you I'm not angry, but fact remains that you have been keeping this secret for months…. And I can't help but wonder why you didn't come to me for help if something was bothering you. You were obviously in such distress that you felt the need to seek professional help, but you never told me…your girlfriend… that you weren't well" Amy lectured, her chest heaving as she spoke. She wasn't angry but she was _hurt _damnit!

Sheldon recoiled at the harshness of her tone, his eyes large and round as she stared at his girlfriend. She was a force of nature, a typhoon, a crashing wave of destruction. How _exquisite _she was in her agitated state! He wasn't very good at picking up subtleties in speech patterns, but something within him told him that telling her he was terribly aroused was probably not a very good idea.

"I…I didn't seek help because I was unwell" he stammered, unable to tear his eyes from her.

Amy scrunched her eyebrows, the way she always did when she was confused, or surprised. Checking his cards was probably a bad idea too.

"Why did you then?" she asked, suddenly not so sure of herself.

He looked down at his hands, trying to find a way to explain to her just why he had done something that was so uncharacteristic, something so alien to him, but it was so difficult. It had taken him months to be able to put his feelings into words, and still there were some topics he couldn't even touch with a stick without his stomach clenching with shame.

All of a sudden, a soft, pale hand covered one of his, and he looked up to meet Amy's gaze.

"It's okay. Just start from the beginning" she said, squeezing his hand gently. She always knew what to say and do, this girlfriend of his. It was as baffling as ever: just how did she do it? Was it possible that she was some sort of piece of him that he had lost long ago, only to find it again?

He knew how it sounded, but it seemed like the most likely explanation, because with her… he felt complete.

"I tried everything… Meditation, denial, Star Trek Marathons… Anything to keep my mind off of… things. I drew charts, I did research, I spent days calculating the probability of my finding a solution to my problem myself but it was _impossible. _I didn't know what to do. I wanted… I wanted so badly… sooo, so badly… to initiate a physical relationship with you (here, Amy couldn't help but let out a soft gasp), but I just _couldn't. _I couldn't get over my… my compulsions. If I thought of it, I was completely… completely overwhelmed with these images, these thoughts of destruction and misery… And for a while I was alright just ignoring my… my need for you. But after Christmas it just became too hard. I couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, I couldn't think of anything but... but you. And still I just couldn't bring myself to it. I realized I… Well, after having done some research… That there was a possibility that I needed help. Professional help" Sheldon explained, feeling lighter and more relieved than he had in months. It was horrible to have to admit defeat but at the same time… So amazingly good to just get this off his shoulders.

He didn't wait for her reply – now that it was out in the open he wanted to tell her everything: how hard he had worked, how miserable he had been, how happy he had been once he realized it hadn't all been in vain.

"I began seeing a psychiatrist once a week, and she recommended cognitive behavioral therapy, along with one hour sessions with her every Tuesday. God, it was _horrible _Amy, just horrible… Strangers touching me, people with arachnophobia who had to touch spiders to get over their fears – they made us _watch, _Amy! Can you imagine? They said it was because we needed to offer each other 'moral support'. Ah, quelle horreur… This sort of unscientific hokum is actually governmentally funded… And she diagnosed me with… With obsessive compulsive disorder and general anxiety disorder. It was… It wasn't easy to hear. But part of me already knew… I know that most people don't throw away their food just because the meat and potatoes are touching on the plate" he continued, feeling his carefully constructed façade crumble. Now she knew. There was no going back from here.

Once again, Amy was silent. Why did people keep doing this to him? Everybody knew he needed for people to state their feelings and intentions out loud – how many times should he have to explain that?

Amy's eyes were shiny, and her bottom lip was quivering. 'Oh no' Sheldon thought. 'No, no, no, no, no, no, please don't start crying, I don't know how to handle that, please don't tell me I did this to you, I'm sorry Amy, I'm sorry…'

"You put yourself through all of that… for me?" Amy asked, her voice trembling.

Wait… what?

"…Yes?" Sheldon let out tentatively, sure that this was it: this was the moment when he finally cracked. Her face said one thing, her voice another, her body a third, _his _body said all kinds of things: that he was going insane, that he wanted to run out the door, that he wanted to simultaneously scream and curl into a ball and cover his ears with his hands, that he wanted to tear her clothes off and have his way with her… Yes. Leonard had been right all along. He was crazy.

"That's the most beautiful thing anyone has ever done for me!" Amy gasped, her mouth hanging open and her hand covering her heart.

"…It is?" Sheldon asked, feeling somewhat stupid. What in the… What?

"You put yourself through all these things you _hate… _for _months… _just because you wanted so badly to be with me… I can't believe how brave you are… you really are the best boyfriend" Amy called out, throwing herself around his neck, hugging him so tight the air was squeezed out of his lungs.

"Amy" he gasped, "I can't breathe!"

"Oh… I'm sorry" Amy apologized, letting go of him. "I was just… so overwhelmed" she explained, smiling at him. Oh, her smile. Once again he found himself thinking it was the only smile he had never had trouble deciphering.

"So… you're not sad?" Sheldon asked, needing to make sure.

"No… no, I'm very happy" Amy smiled, her eyes glimmering with adoration. His beautiful, wonderful Amy. Oh, that throbbing within him, that tight knot… It was so hard to ignore. He should be able to stay focused, but she was there… He was crazy, flawed, immature, annoying, compulsive… and she was there, adoring him, loving him… With hair that smelled of roses and a body that had offered him comfort when he had expected rejection. His missing piece. His Amy.

"I think I'd like to go to bed now" Sheldon exhaled, swallowing hard, realizing the lump in his throat wasn't there anymore.

"You're right, it's getting late… We should get to bed" Amy agreed, stifling a yawn. It had been a long day.

He shook his head, his heart beating violently in his chest.

"No… no that's not what I meant".

Amy gasped, suddenly realizing what he was saying.

"Okay" she whispered, taking his hand as he offered it to her.

* * *

**A/N2: Oh no he DI'UHHNT! Please don't kill me... I promise you'll get to know what happens next... =)**


	24. Chapter 24

**A/N:... I'm not saying you should listen to "Fire" by Bruce Springsteen while reading this... I'm simply recommending it. Honest.**

**\- YlvaB**

* * *

Amy felt oddly calm as she stepped into Sheldon's room. The neuroscientist in her knew that it was a stress reaction: the surge of adrenaline in her veins triggered a fight-or-flight response, which in this case led to her mind feeling crystal clear and her body strong and vivid. She felt like she could take on an army.

She was grinning as she softly shut the door behind her, but the sight that met her when she turned around caused her smile to fade and her stomach to drop.

Sheldon was standing by the foot of the bed, looking down at his feet. Even in the dim light, she could see his hands trembling ever so slightly. He was very pale, and the moonlight that had found its way in through the small window was reflecting off of tiny droplets of sweat on his forehead.

"Sheldon, what's wrong?" Amy asked, leaning against the door with her hands behind her back.

Yes, what was wrong with him? This had been his idea. All those hours in therapy had served to prepare him for this moment. He had worked so hard for this, going through fire and ice in order to find the courage to give in to his desire for her. And now he found himself having second thoughts. Well ain't that typical?

"I..I guess…t-this just became very real" Sheldon stammered, still looking at his feet.

Amy's felt her heart sink in her chest, and for a brief second she had an overwhelming urge to scream at the top of her lungs, out of anger, out of frustration, out of lust. But as she regarded her boyfriend, who still wasn't looking at her, she felt something else vanquish all other emotions – love. Deep, intense, mind-numbing love.

"We don't have to do this now" she let out softly. "We can watch a movie and eat the rest of the takeout instead."

He snapped to attention at that, meeting her gaze for the first time since they'd entered the room. She remained by the door, smiling softly as she admired him where he was standing in the pale moonlight.

"No… no, I want to. I just… this feels so… final. I suddenly find myself…crumbling under the pressure" the lanky physicist admitted, his voice slightly shaky.

"Sheldon, you're over-thinking this. It's not pivotal that this happens right here, right now" Amy told him, comforting him as she had comforted him so many times before when panic had threatened to consume him.

Of course it wasn't pivotal that it happened right now, he knew that. But somehow, Sheldon felt that it was, because he so desperately wanted to: because he was sure he would die if he didn't give in to those baser urges he had ignored for so long.

"I know it isn't" he mumbled, his eyes returning to stare at his feet. "But I really, really want to. I just…I just can't stop these irrational thoughts… I can't get them out of my head."

Amy didn't say anything. She wanted to tell him it was going to be alright, that he didn't need to be scared, but she sensed it wouldn't make much of a difference. If only there was a way to stop those thoughts from snaking into his head.

Suddenly, she had an idea.

"What if we pretend that we're doing something else? That we're doing something completely different. Perhaps that would distract you?" she suggested, once again watching him snap to attention.

"Pretend? You mean like role-playing?"

Amy had to suppress a laugh at his innocent remark. He had come so far, and yet he was still so clueless. But there was no need to tell him that now.

"Yes… you could say that" she nodded, deciding to just play along.

He nodded quietly to himself, and she could almost see the wheels turn inside that beautiful mind of his.

"What do you suggest we pretend that we're doing then?" he asked, sounding slightly intrigued.

"Well, I don't know… Maybe… maybe we could pretend that it's girlfriend/boyfriend sing-a-long night?" Amy said, going out on a limb.

"Sing-a-long night?" Sheldon asked disbelievingly, feeling those thoughts eat their way into his head again. No, this was definitely not happening tonight. Maybe it just wasn't meant to be.

But Amy was still high on adrenaline, and his disbelief just made her feel stronger, bolder, and unbelievably confident. Every inch of her ached for him, longed for them to finally unite. She could help him through this: she _would _help him through this.

"Just trust me Sheldon. Don't think about what may or may not happen here tonight… Just pretend that it's sing-a-long night. Just like every third Sunday of the month for the past 4 years… even though today is Monday" she insisted, her voice husky and low.

Sheldon looked up at his girlfriend, who was still leaning back against the door. She was less than 6 feet away from him. So close and yet so far. Part of him wanted to walk up to her and take her in his arms, like other men did so easily, and another part of him wanted to jump out the window. Perhaps he had done all that could be done and this was as far as he could go on his own. Maybe she was right: perhaps he should let her try her way. His way didn't seem to be working.

"…Alright. We'll…just pretend it's girlfriend/boyfriend sing-a-long night. Should I pick the song or should you?" he let out, deciding to give it a shot.

Amy smiled. "I'll pick the song. Just… stay where you are. I like the way you look in the moonlight" she husked, feeling that surge of adrenaline again. What a wonderful thing it was: she didn't even feel nervous. Or maybe she was just so nervous she had gone back to being calm. That was probably what was going on, but she decided to ignore that, and allow herself to wallow in this amazing feeling of strength and confidence. For the first time in her life, she felt immensely attractive.

Sheldon swallowed. Oh dear. It would be difficult to pretend. His heart was threatening to burst out of his chest, and he was soaked all the way through both of his t-shirts. Oh boy.

Amy was still smiling coyly, her green eyes glimmering in the dim light.

"Alright… how do you suggest we proceed?" Sheldon asked, determined not to continue crumbling under the pressure. He could walk away if he wanted to. This was just girlfriend/boyfriend sing-a-long night. Just sing-a-long night. Oooooh boy.

"I'll begin Sheldon. You just stay there" Amy instructed, surprised to find her confidence hadn't subsided. Maybe life had decided to give them both a break.

Slowly, she began moving her head from side to side, softly swaying her body to the tune of an invisible bass guitar. She reached up to take off her glasses, still swaying, and folded them and put them down on the chair next to the door. Her hands seemed to move of their own accord, unbuttoning her cardigan as she continued dancing to the tune in her head.

"_Late at night… I'm taking you home" _she began singing, still swaying as she folded her cardigan over the chair, keeping her eyes firmly locked on his blue orbs. Sheldon was sure he was going to faint but he was frozen on the spot, unable to move. Oh…dear…

"_I say I want to stay" _Amy sang as she moved closer to him, softly bending over to reach underneath her skirt, still looking him in the eyes. Suddenly, her pantyhose were on the floor… "_You say you want to be alone"_... as was her floral blouse.

She moved even closer to him, dressed only in her skirt and undershirt. "_You say you don't love me… boy, you can't hide your desire" _she hummed, lowering her voice as she reached up to put her arms around his neck, pulling him in so close he could feel her breath against his lips. "_Cause when we kiss…" _she whispered, her voice vibrating with anticipation.

"_…__Fire!" _Sheldon exhaled, capturing her lips with his own, putting his arms around her waist to pull her in even closer, until her body was firmly pressed against his.

He felt something awaken within him, something he had never felt before. They had kissed many times, touched many times, and yet this was different. This was…fire.

He pulled her with him, and they tumbled onto the bed, breaking away from each other for a brief second to hike themselves up onto the pillows. Finding a comfortable position, they resumed their kissing, with Amy laying half on top of Sheldon.

"Amy" Sheldon gasped in between kisses, "are we still pretending it's girlfriend/boyfriend sing-a-long night?"

"Nuh-uh" Amy panted against his lips, reaching down to grab the hem of his two shirts, pulling them up almost all the way to his chest.

"Good, because I'm kind of done with that" he sighed with relief, reaching down to help her pull off his shirts. He sought out her lips again, grabbing the back of her head to pull her in deeper. Suddenly, he felt petite fingers trail the skin covering his ribs and he broke away from her, giggling and squirming.

"That tickles!" he laughed, rubbing the skin that was still tingling.

"I'm sorry!" Amy half-giggled, half-groaned, burying her face into the crook of his neck. "I guess I'm not very good at this."

"How can you know? You've never done it before. You haven't done nearly enough research to draw such a conclusion" Sheldon lectured, raising on of his eyebrows.

Amy looked up, her hair slightly muzzed.

"I guess you're right" she mumbled.

"I'm always right" Sheldon said matter-of-factly, twirling a strand of her hair with his finger.

"Wait, let me just pull it back…" Amy said, grabbing one of the hair ties around her wrist, pulling her hair back in a messy bun.

"There…" she stated, leaning over to kiss him again, carefully avoiding to touch his torso this time.

Their kissing grew more frantic as the mood changed, the air in the room heady and saturated. Sheldon was sure he was going to pass out: his stomach was twisting and turning, and that knot at the small of his back was so tight it was painful. He was nervous bordering on nauseous, but at the same time… So excited he thought he was going to fly to the moon and back. Suddenly, he was overcome with the need to feel her skin against his, and he reached down and grabbed the hems of her white undershirt. Sensing what he wanted, she got up on her knees, pulling the shirt over her head, revealing a white cotton bra. Fighting the urge to cover her chest, she remained in position, allowing him to look at her in the pale, white moonlight.

Sheldon almost lost his breath. This was really happening. Dear lord.

He sat up, leaning against the headboard, unable to tear his eyes away from her.

"Come" he whispered, putting his arms around her waist to pull her to him, and she climbed onto his lap, effectively straddling him.

"I…I'm not really sure what to do now" Amy whispered, feeling her limbs tingle. She gazed into his eyes, breathing heavily.

"I'm not either" Sheldon admitted, still keeping his arms around her waist. He traced the outline of her bra with his index finger, feeling himself shudder as he thought of what was underneath the fabric. Amy felt goose bumps pop up on her arms, her heart pounding loudly in her chest. She reached behind her back, a shy look grazing her features, and unclasped her bra, slowly letting the straps slide off her shoulders. She let it down beside the bed, not caring where it ended up.

Sheldon felt just as shy as her. They had always kept their clothes on during their explorations, pleasuring each other with their hands only. This was unfamiliar territory.

He covered one of her softs mounds with his hand, hoping that was how he was supposed to do it, and brushed his lips against hers, softly kissing her.

Amy couldn't retain herself any longer. She whimpered into his mouth, grabbing him by the hip and shoulder to pull him closer, opening her mouth to deepen the kiss.

They clumsily began removing clothing, finding themselves in their underwear only, her skirt and his pants discarded on the floor. She was still straddling him, and they clung to each other desperately, overwhelmed with pent up need. Heated kisses met tentative fondling, both eager to map the other's body, both equally unsure of just what they were doing.

As during their previous sessions, they reached for each other, moaning as they felt that shot of electricity, Amy's breathing becoming ragged and Sheldon's thoughts jumbling together. Suddenly, Amy began letting out soft groans, moving against him with her eyes closed, triggering something primeval within him. Frantically, he tugged at the line of her underwear, forgetting that he was nervous, needing them to come off.

_I need you so bad Amy, I've been wanting this for so long now, I can't believe this is happening, I… Ohhhh… oh my god…_

"Oh god, oh god" Sheldon gasped as Amy moved above him, panting into his ear. She was warm and sweaty against him, and he dug his fingers into her hip, his shoulder blades pounding against the headboard.

_My head's gonna explode, oh my god, just don't stop, please don't stop, please just… oh..oh… _

She was there, in his heart, his head, his voice… Amy above him, Amy holding on to him, Amy healing him, Amy never letting go…

"Oooooh" he let out, watching the stars of a million galaxies flash in front of his eyes, that knot at the small of his back almost burning right through him.

"I love you" Sheldon gasped, pulling Amy in for a searing kiss. "I love you too" Amy exhaled, feeling certain that nothing would ever be the same again.


	25. Chapter 25

**A/N: DOUBLE UPDATE! READ CHAPTER 24 BEFORE READING THIS! **

**-YlvaBorealis**

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EPILOGUE

Amy had spent years imagining what this moment would be like.

She would wake up, with her hair flowing over the pillow, the sun kissing her eyelashes as it shone through the window. The scent of musk and after shave would tickle her nose, and strong arms would cradle her to a warm, masculine body, the sweet nakedness awakening her lust once more. Just like in those romance novels she liked to read in her bathtub after a long hard day at work.

Well, she _was _naked, so at least she got that part right, but she was also alone. Her hair, which she had tied up into a messy bun the night before, was tangled into her hair tie and she gritted her teeth in pain as she slowly pulled it out. She was in dire need of a shower and coffee. Coffee… What time was it? Where was Sheldon?

Amy looked at the alarm clock on the night stand. 6.20. She smiled to herself: he hadn't even made a sound when she sat in his spot last night, and still some things never changed. Her boyfriend was a creature of habit, there just was no changing that.

She got out of bed, feeling sweetly tender, debating with herself whether she'd put on her clothes (which were now neatly folded onto the chair, including her skirt and underwear that had previously been scattered on the floor) or search Sheldon's chest of drawers for something more comfortable. She opted for the latter, digging through the drawers and finding a pair of shorts, pulling them on along with one of Sheldon's t-shirts. She decided she'd wash up after breakfast.

Shorts, shirt, glasses… Sheldon.

Suddenly she felt insecure. She didn't know what awaited her in the living room. Sure, this wasn't the first time she had slept over, and it wasn't the first time they had been intimate, but they had never gone all the way before and Sheldon _had _been fragile last night. Maybe she shouldn't have been so quick to accept his invitation to spend the night with him.

'What if this was a bad idea? What if he thinks I took advantage of him? What if he never wants to do it again?' she thought as she made her way to the bathroom. As she turned the taps to wash her hands, she caught sight of herself in the mirror. She looked just like she always did in the mornings: messy hair, droopy eyes, dry lips. How strange, considering how different she felt. Of course she was happy that they had spent the night together, but she was even happier that he had finally opened up to her. The things he had put himself through for their sake, for their relationship, for their future… It was still difficult to process.

'He did all of that for me. Because he wants me' Amy thought as she dried her hands on one of the guest towels, making her way out of the bathroom.

The sight that met her when she entered the living room was identical to the one she'd pictured in her head.

There was Sheldon in his spot, his eyes glued to the TV, happily shoveling milk and cereal into his mouth. He was in his Monday pajamas even though it was Tuesday. Amy smiled to herself as she realized it was because he hadn't been wearing any last night but he couldn't wear his Tuesday jammies because they were for the night that was coming. Ah Sheldon, you wonderful, compulsive fool. How she loved him, this strange creature that was her boyfriend.

All of her insecurities washed away as she sat down next to him. Why would she doubt him? He had put himself on the line for her, enduring all kinds of misery in order to give himself to her. He obviously knew what he wanted.

"I took out a bowl and spoon for you"" Sheldon said, not taking his eyes off the TV.

"Thank you" Amy softly replied, watching him as he kept munching on his cereal.

"I would have loved waking up in your arms" she added, unable to resist sharing her fantasy with him.

Finally, Sheldon took his eyes off of the TV, turning to her where she was sitting next to him to explain himself to her.

"Every Saturday and Monday morning I wake up at 6.15, pour myself a bowl of cereal, add a –"

"…add a quarter cup of 2 % milk and watch Dr. Who on BBC America" Amy finished softly, smiling as she turned to watch the show.

Sheldon's mouth hung open, a baffled expression on his face. This woman… This wonderful creature… she was his.

Tentatively, as if fearing she was made of porcelain, he leaned into her, softly pressing his lips against her cheek.

She threw him a glance out of the corner of her eye as he pulled away, returning to his show and his bowl of cereal. Smiling to herself, she reached for the bowl and the bottle of milk, deciding it was time for breakfast.

"These are really good" she thought to herself as she munched along with her boyfriend, laughing along with him at the Doctor's shenanigans. Really good indeed.

THE END

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**TO MY READERS:**

**Alas, this story came to an end. I want to thank you all for your love and support: This would never have been possible without you guys. I have laughed, cried, derived myself of sleep, worked so hard I've gotten writer's cramp in both my elbows... And it's been nothing short of wonderful. This is the first serious piece of writing I've ever done in my entire life, and to be honest I wasn't sure where I'd end up with this. But now I know where to go from here and this has sort of awakened my love for creative writing, after a 10 year hiatus. I will continue publishing on this site, and I hope you guys will be there for my next big adventure. There are still many more Shamy stories to tell and for me... the fun has just begun.**

**\- YlvaBorealis**


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